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UW Associate Professor Wendy Lustbader says you shouldn't be afraid to bring up a lost loved one in conversation, even if tears follow. Crying can be cathartic. (AP Photo/File)

Five tips for dealing with grief during the holidays

BY Kim Shepard  on December 19, 2012 @ 11:36 am (Updated: 5:30 am - 12/20/12 )

Parents of Sandy Hook children will probably have a very hard Christmas this year. Dealing with the loss of a loved one can be especially difficult around the holidays.

Even if the loss happened months, or even years ago, the grief can come right back to the surface this time of year.

Author and University of Washington Professor Wendy Lustbader specializes in end-of-life issues. She has five tips for helping a grieving family member through the holiday season.

First, she says, don't ignore it. It is important to find some time to honor the fact that there is grief in the air.

"If you can't be real, if you can't speak your feelings, I think that just amplifies the loneliness," says Lustbader.

Second, don't be afraid to approach someone who seems sad, even if they seem to be hiding in the corner. Lustbader says a grieving person often won't speak for fear of bringing everyone else's spirits down.

If you lend them an ear, you may find they're eager to share their feelings. But don't try to cheer them up, Lustbader says. Pretending to be jolly can be too exhausting for someone dealing with a loss.

Third, let the mourner lead when it comes to family traditions. They may want to skip them this year to mark this holiday as being different from all others.

"It doesn't mean the tradition is gone for next year," says Lustbader. "It's just that person saying I don't have the spirit for it this year."

Fourth, don't tell children not to bring up the person who has been lost, and don't be afraid to make someone cry. Tears can be cathartic.

Finally, don't try to hide your grief from your children. Lustbader says kids have really good radar. If you're trying to mask your pain it will just confuse them.

"I think it's a myth that holidays need to be merry. I think holidays need to be real," says Lustbader. "Being close to one another means nobody having to hide."

Wendy Lustbader is the author of "Counting on Kindness: The Dilemmas of Dependency."

Kim Shepard, KIRO Radio Reporter
Kim Shepard is a news anchor and reporter for KIRO Radio and the office optimist. She's energetic, quick to laugh and has a positive outlook on life.
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Comments (6)


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  • CH wrote...
    Parents of Sandy Hook children will probably have a very hard Christmas this year . . . .
    December 20, 2012 5:40 am
    I would think so.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • anotherfencewalker wrote...
    Kim..
    December 20, 2012 8:21 am
    You win the prize for the most understated sentence written by any journalistic this year.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Kim Shepard wrote...
    anotherfencewalker -
    December 20, 2012 8:45 am
    Yes, completely understated. I couldn't agree more. But I also would not want to assume I have any idea how those parents are feeling right now. I can only imagine.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Fuego wrote...
    Difficult times....
    December 20, 2012 1:36 pm
    but it seems odd that you could summarize handling this kind of grief to 5 bullet points.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • mawsdz wrote...
    Not responding to parents
    December 20, 2012 9:43 pm
    Be real Fuego, come on. With a little thought you can arrive at a decently well founded conclusion that this post wasn't about merely helping the parents in Newtown handle their loss. This was in response to Sandyhook in the way that brings to the forefront grief for many of us who have lost someone we love. This article was helpful for people who don't know how to engage grief, or how to make space for it in other's lives. It was not an article on dealing with the trauma of a murdered child.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Ye Olde Hagge wrote...
    My grandmother passed away in Jan. 2008
    December 20, 2012 9:11 pm
    But it's Thanksgiving that's the hardest for me. Thanksgiving 2007 was the first time I had dinner at my house and my grandmother came. This year was the first year I was able to have it again (we moved into a new house this year). It was still really difficult, but we talked about her and my grandfather (he passed in 2005) a lot on Thanksgiving this year and that really helped me get through the day. My heart really goes out to the parents and families of the Sandy Hook victims. Even the Columbine and Virginia Tech families, and others who are reliving the nightmare through this event.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }