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It’s as adorable as the Internet gets


The Onion, the media satire website that people sometimes take seriously (because with media today it’s hard to tell the difference anymore) has a new site, focused on satirizing the Internet’s most time-wasting websites: the sites that are always tempting you with lists, trite headlines, and adorable must-see videos.

I figured I’d better alert you to it so that, if you’re among the 89 percent of workers who waste more than 30 minutes a day online, you don’t waste it on a site that’s making fun of all the time you’re wasting.

The new site is called I’m not sure what it refers to – somebody from Generation Y can probably tell you.

It features a video headlined, “What this adorable little girl says will melt your heart.” How could I not click on that?

“My name is Jessica,” says the adorable little girl in the video. “And I’m nothing more than a ploy to get you to watch an Internet video. The people who posted this video would stop at nothing to get you to click on this link and make the advertisers happy.”

She disclosed immediately that I was about to have my time wasted. But did I click away? Of course not. But now, I’m beginning to realize that the headline was shamelessly deceptive!

“Oh right! You want me to say something adorable. No matter how many videos you watch, you’re still going to feel all alone.”

You’re breaking my heart, Jessica.

“I guess that’s just the way it is,” she says.

And this is the amazing thing – even though you are being mocked, you are so desperate for adorable videos that your mouse finger freezes.

“Hopefully that’s cute enough to satisfy the all consuming vacuum of your soul,” says Jessica.

I even watched the ad for beef jerky hoping that’s a parody too. But it wasn’t.

That’s when you realize the Internet is just digital pot. One puff and suddenly it’s four hours later.

Anyway, you’ve been warned. The next time you’re tempted by the computer, turn on a radio. You never need to debug it, de-frag it, disinfect it. You don’t have to wait for it to boot, buffer, or reload. You don’t need to watch it, and we’re always reminding you what time it is.

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