DAVE ROSS

It’s as adorable as the Internet gets

Jun 13, 2014, 7:21 AM | Updated: 9:34 am

The Onion, the media satire website that people sometimes take seriously (because with media today it’s hard to tell the difference anymore) has a new site, focused on satirizing the Internet’s most time-wasting websites: the sites that are always tempting you with lists, trite headlines, and adorable must-see videos.

I figured I’d better alert you to it so that, if you’re among the 89 percent of workers who waste more than 30 minutes a day online, you don’t waste it on a site that’s making fun of all the time you’re wasting.

The new site is called ClickHole.com. I’m not sure what it refers to – somebody from Generation Y can probably tell you.

It features a video headlined, “What this adorable little girl says will melt your heart.” How could I not click on that?

“My name is Jessica,” says the adorable little girl in the video. “And I’m nothing more than a ploy to get you to watch an Internet video. The people who posted this video would stop at nothing to get you to click on this link and make the advertisers happy.”

She disclosed immediately that I was about to have my time wasted. But did I click away? Of course not. But now, I’m beginning to realize that the headline was shamelessly deceptive!

“Oh right! You want me to say something adorable. No matter how many videos you watch, you’re still going to feel all alone.”

You’re breaking my heart, Jessica.

“I guess that’s just the way it is,” she says.

And this is the amazing thing – even though you are being mocked, you are so desperate for adorable videos that your mouse finger freezes.

“Hopefully that’s cute enough to satisfy the all consuming vacuum of your soul,” says Jessica.

I even watched the ad for beef jerky hoping that’s a parody too. But it wasn’t.

That’s when you realize the Internet is just digital pot. One puff and suddenly it’s four hours later.

Anyway, you’ve been warned. The next time you’re tempted by the computer, turn on a radio. You never need to debug it, de-frag it, disinfect it. You don’t have to wait for it to boot, buffer, or reload. You don’t need to watch it, and we’re always reminding you what time it is.

Dave's Commentary

Dave Ross on KIRO Newsradio 97.3 FM
  • listen to dave rossTune in to KIRO Newsradio weekdays at 5am for Dave Ross on Seattle's Morning News.

Dave Ross

car culture...

Dave Ross

Ross: Are we killing car culture? Or is car culture killing the US?

I don’t think the question is whether we're going to "kill" our car culture. The real question is can we stop our car culture from killing the U.S.?

4 days ago

drivers data insurance...

Dave Ross

Ross: As cars release driving data to insurance, is your driving my business?

Every move you make, every swerve you take, every lane change you fake – someone’s watching you. Do drivers have a right to keep driving data private?

11 days ago

rent control...

Dave Ross

Ross: Rent control was never the answer in Wash.

The rent control bill died in the Washington State Legislature this week, even though Democrats control both houses.

1 month ago

end of democracy...

Dave Ross

Ross: Conservative activist earns applause for pledging an ‘end of Democracy’

The theme from Jack Posobiec's speech is that Jan. 6 was a righteous attack not on democracy, but on those who threaten democracy.

1 month ago

Image: Rep. Lauren Boebert, R-Colorado, is seen on Capitol Hill on Jan. 6, 2023. (Photo: Alex Brand...

Dave Ross

Ross: Voters can help cull bad politicians from the herd early

Let's remember that just about every occupant of a higher office once occupied a lower office, and was put there by us, Dave Ross says.

1 month ago

Super Bowl celebration...

Dave Ross

Ross: The NFL does it again

The NFL once again put on a show that was able to keep me tuned in for four hours even though I had no stake in either team.

2 months ago

It’s as adorable as the Internet gets