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A look at former UW assistant Lupoi's 'new duties'

By Jim Moore

As you no doubt know, Tosh Lupoi is the UW assistant coach who allegedly paid for a recruit's tutoring classes.

The NCAA is investigating, and whenever the NCAA's investigating anything at the U Dub, I'm excited about it because I'm a Coug and I'm a small person who would welcome the return of Probation Nation to Montlake.

Sanctions would be a special belated Christmas gift for someone as shallow and petty as me.

The NCAA is checking out stories that include alleged Lupoi payments via covered coffee cups and brown paper bags in restroom stalls at the Ram in Northgate.

I'm expecting a wrist slap from the NCAA because the leader of that dysfunctional organization is Mark Emmert, former University of Washington president and the biggest success story from Fife since the opening of the Poodle Dog Restaurant in 1933.

Emmert's the guy who's in his 60s and is still waiting for his first good hair day.

While the NCAA is probing Lupoi's bank records and garbage cans, the U Dub has assigned the defensive line coach and recruiting coordinator to "other duties" in the athletic department.

It wasn't specified what these "other duties" will be, but I have a super-secret unreliable source who told me what they are, and they're listed in order of priority from athletic director Scott Woodward:

1) When asked questions about anything, just keep your damn mouth shut.

2) Call Coach Sark and make sure you're on the same page with your stories.

3) If you reference my name at all, it's "Mr. Woodward," not "Scotty," and tell everyone: "To my knowledge, Mr. Woodward had nothing to do with any of this."

4) Remind bank tellers that you want your cash in small bills, but not too small -- it's tough to stuff a bunch of ones in coffee cups, even if they're venti-sized.

5) When a bagger at QFC asks "paper or plastic," tell him: "Come on, dude, haven't you read about me? PAPER!"

6) Prepare resume in case I have to fire you in a couple weeks, and leave all this stuff out, and just hope that a prospective employer likes that Shaq Thompson came here when you did. You and I both know there was nothing fishy about that, wink-wink!

7) Brush up on Xbox One skills so you can better relate to five-star recruits on the really off chance we keep you.

8) Get teeth whitener for Coach Pete and suck up to him at all times like I do.

9) Ask Cal to forgive you for putting almighty dollars ahead of your alma mater, but I understand, Tosh, I would've sold mine out too.

10) Use Tully's cups next time! It'll confuse those pesky NCAA investigators.

The Go 2 Guy also writes for his website jimmoorethego2guy.com and kitsapsun.com. You can reach Jim at jimmoorethego2guy@yahoo.com and follow him on Twitter @cougsgo.

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