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Petraeus3.jpg
Although Holly Petraeus was reportedly "furious" about her husband's affair with Paula Broadwell, friends say the couple is determined to stand by their 38-year marriage. (AP photo)

Why do women stay with men accused of affairs or crimes? The Tammy Wynette Syndrome

November 15, 2012 @ 9:47 am (Updated: 1:38 pm - 11/15/12 )

It was 1968 when country music star Tammy Wynette told women everywhere they need to overlook their husband's shortcomings and faults if they truly love him.

"Stand by your man and show the world you love him. Keep giving all the love you can. Stand by your man."

After all, he's just a man.

Hillary Clinton did it. Holly Petraeus stands by her husband of 38 years after the former General's affair with Paula Broadwell.

Kari Bales does the same as her husband, Staff Sergeant Robert Bales, faces a possible court martial after her husband was accused of killing 16 civilians in Afghanistan.

"This is not him. It's not him," the Lake Tapps wife and mother told reporters soon after her husband was arrested in March. Nine months later she's still with him.

The wife of Danford Grant, the Seattle attorney accused of raping several women at massage businesses, has been in court supporting him.

Hours after Hope Solo's fiance Jerramy Stevens faced a judge following a domestic assault arrest, she married him.

We see this over, and over again.

"Wives choosing to stand in front of America and say, 'I'm gonna stick next to him and go through this' doesn't mean they're saying it's okay," says Renessa Rios, a Bellevue-based relationship expert.

She says there are three basic reasons for what's sometimes called "the Tammy Wynette syndrome."

"Number one is that women are forgiving. We come from a place that we want to make things work out, especially as mothers," she says.

Women also look at their investment in a relationship.

"We look at the person as a whole, not just the one interaction of cheating or a crime," says Rios. "Should we pull out, should we not? We really weigh out those pros and cons based on the entire relationship."

The third reason involves communication. Often after an affair, or crime, the man "all of a sudden" starts to talk to his partner in an emotional, vulnerable way.

"It's a big turn on for women when her partner communicates," Rios says.

The wife often feels victorious after a cheating situation too because even after an affair, the husband usually chooses to remain with his spouse.

We see this scenario played out in high-profile cases in the media, but it also happens every day in ordinary lives too.

Choosing to leave can be more than staying in a relationship after an affair or crime allegation.

"If several years of marriage and children are involved, many women will sacrifice her humiliation in order to keep the family together," Rios says.

Some women are more willing to accept abuse than others, and Rios says the affair General David Petreaus had was "clearly abusive" of his wife Holly.

"Her integrity has been affected, her emotional even her sexual safety have all been compromised," Rios explains. "Just because she wasn't hit with a bat or by a punch with his hand, her mind and her heart is all being completely abused and affected right now."

By LINDA THOMAS

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Comments (5)


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  • mnpat wrote...
    "Why do women stay with men accused of affairs or crimes?"....you say
    November 15, 2012 10:12 am
    As a woman I can only imagine this comment seems to make some sense......as a man I would make a similiar comment about why anyman would suffer through the constant and never ending humiliation and abuse they recieve in a marriage contract that puts us at the bottom of every pile of garbage. The answer men suffer through it really pretty simple........to get out means losing your partner, your children, your home, and a very large portion of their forseeable future.
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  • DJFavorite wrote...
    my 2 cents worth
    November 15, 2012 11:43 am
    First, for some of the stories that we have been hearing in the news are 'fresh'. As a wife, I'm not going to 'throw in the towel' initially. We don't know if these women will 'stay with their men' in the long term. The idea is to work through it; figure out if the relationship can survive before you walk away. I think those women who stay after multiple incidence, may have low self-esteem. But to stay after the initial incident, I would too and work through the issues.
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  • BocaBob1 wrote...
    Well
    November 15, 2012 11:49 am
    I guess the news chick passed the gay ball to Rachel. Good for you. Old A.J. has some points about the bad boy thing plus I think the internal mom I can fix anyone syndrome. I’ve seen it time and time again even with my own daughter (who finally met and will marry a good man) but some never due even if they are educated (Sandy Bullock comes to mind). Relationships are a navigational hazard I guess.
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  • roomtemp wrote...
    "It's a big turn on for women when her partner communicates,"
    November 15, 2012 8:04 pm
    Ahhh, so the various objects being hurled in my direction afterward are just a release of sexual tension then?

    I'll bear that in mind while ducking the contents of the silverware drawer. XD

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  • anotherfencewalker wrote...
    CH CH CH Changes....
    November 18, 2012 7:11 am
    Many/most women know full well that a relationship is going on outside of their personal domain. Women will hang on and hang on trying to change their man. If the situation is reversed, men wont bother with trying to change their woman. They just cut bait and leave. And by the way Linda, don't forget that not all fine young ladies in such a relationship are sweet delicate flowers. Women have always done one thing far better than men: Hide the evidence and keep a secret.
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