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At the memorial in Newtown, Connecticut, President Obama the nation is failing to keep its children safe, pledging that change must come after an elementary-school massacre left 20 children dead. (AP Photo, Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012)

A mom, who could be raising a killer, urges discussion about mental illness

December 16, 2012 @ 6:02 pm (Updated: 8:55 pm - 12/16/12 )

The gruesome mass murder of young children in Connecticut will lead to more discussions about gun control. A mother, who laments that she might be raising a son she can't control, urges us instead to talk about mental illness.

"I am sharing this story because I am Adam Lanza's mother. I am Dylan Klebold's and Eric Harris's mother. I am James Holmes's mother. I am Jared Loughner's mother. I am Seung-Hui Cho's mother. And these boys, and their mothers, need help," the woman writes on her blog The Anarchist Soccer Mom.

"In the wake of another horrific national tragedy, it's easy to talk about guns. But it's time to talk about mental illness."

Read the full story on her blog. Here is an excerpt:

Three days before 20 year-old Adam Lanza killed his mother, then opened fire on a classroom full of Connecticut kindergartners, my 13-year old son Michael (name changed) missed his bus because he was wearing the wrong color pants.

"I can wear these pants," he said, his tone increasingly belligerent, the black-hole pupils of his eyes swallowing the blue irises.

"They are navy blue," I told him. "Your school's dress code says black or khaki pants only."

"They told me I could wear these," he insisted. "You're a stupid bitch. I can wear whatever pants I want to. This is America. I have rights!"

"You can't wear whatever pants you want to," I said, my tone affable, reasonable. "And you definitely cannot call me a stupid bitch. You're grounded from electronics for the rest of the day. Now get in the car, and I will take you to school."

I live with a son who is mentally ill. I love my son. But he terrifies me.

A few weeks ago, Michael pulled a knife and threatened to kill me and then himself after I asked him to return his overdue library books. His 7 and 9 year old siblings knew the safety plan—they ran to the car and locked the doors before I even asked them to. I managed to get the knife from Michael, then methodically collected all the sharp objects in the house into a single Tupperware container that now travels with me. Through it all, he continued to scream insults at me and threaten to kill or hurt me.

That conflict ended with three burly police officers and a paramedic wrestling my son onto a gurney for an expensive ambulance ride to the local emergency room. The mental hospital didn't have any beds that day, and Michael calmed down nicely in the ER, so they sent us home with a prescription for Zyprexa and a follow-up visit with a local pediatric psychiatrist.

We still don't know what's wrong with Michael. Autism spectrum, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant or Intermittent Explosive Disorder have all been tossed around at various meetings with probation officers and social workers and counselors and teachers and school administrators. He's been on a slew of antipsychotic and mood altering pharmaceuticals, a Russian novel of behavioral plans. Nothing seems to work.

At the start of seventh grade, Michael was accepted to an accelerated program for highly gifted math and science students. His IQ is off the charts. When he's in a good mood, he will gladly bend your ear on subjects ranging from Greek mythology to the differences between Einsteinian and Newtonian physics to Doctor Who. He's in a good mood most of the time. But when he's not, watch out. And it's impossible to predict what will set him off.

Several weeks into his new junior high school, Michael began exhibiting increasingly odd and threatening behaviors at school. We decided to transfer him to the district's most restrictive behavioral program, a contained school environment where children who can't function in normal classrooms can access their right to free public babysitting from 7:30-1:50 Monday through Friday until they turn 18.

The morning of the pants incident, Michael continued to argue with me on the drive. He would occasionally apologize and seem remorseful. Right before we turned into his school parking lot, he said, "Look, Mom, I'm really sorry. Can I have video games back today?"

"No way," I told him. "You cannot act the way you acted this morning and think you can get your electronic privileges back that quickly."

His face turned cold, and his eyes were full of calculated rage. "Then I'm going to kill myself," he said. "I'm going to jump out of this car right now and kill myself."

That was it. After the knife incident, I told him that if he ever said those words again, I would take him straight to the mental hospital, no ifs, ands, or buts. I did not respond, except to pull the car into the opposite lane, turning left instead of right.

"Where are you taking me?" he said, suddenly worried. "Where are we going?"

"You know where we are going," I replied.

"No! You can't do that to me! You're sending me to hell! You're sending me straight to hell!"

I pulled up in front of the hospital, frantically waiving for one of the clinicians who happened to be standing outside. "Call the police," I said. "Hurry."

Michael was in a full-blown fit by then, screaming and hitting. I hugged him close so he couldn't escape from the car. He bit me several times and repeatedly jabbed his elbows into my rib cage. I'm still stronger than he is, but I won't be for much longer.

The police came quickly and carried my son screaming and kicking into the bowels of the hospital. I started to shake, and tears filled my eyes as I filled out the paperwork—"Were there any difficulties with....at what age did your child....were there any problems with...has your child ever experienced...does your child have...."

At least we have health insurance now. I recently accepted a position with a local college, giving up my freelance career because when you have a kid like this, you need benefits. You'll do anything for benefits. No individual insurance plan will cover this kind of thing.

For days, my son insisted that I was lying—that I made the whole thing up so that I could get rid of him. The first day, when I called to check up on him, he said, "I hate you. And I'm going to get my revenge as soon as I get out of here."

By day three, he was my calm, sweet boy again, all apologies and promises to get better. I've heard those promises for years. I don't believe them anymore.

On the intake form, under the question, "What are your expectations for treatment?" I wrote, "I need help."

And I do. This problem is too big for me to handle on my own. Sometimes there are no good options. So you just pray for grace and trust that in hindsight, it will all make sense.

When I asked my son's social worker about my options, he said that the only thing I could do was to get Michael charged with a crime. "If he's back in the system, they'll create a paper trail," he said. "That's the only way you're ever going to get anything done. No one will pay attention to you unless you've got charges."

No one wants to send a 13-year old genius who loves Harry Potter and his snuggle animal collection to jail. But our society, with its stigma on mental illness and its broken healthcare system, does not provide us with other options. Then another tortured soul shoots up a fast food restaurant. A mall. A kindergarten classroom. And we wring our hands and say, "Something must be done."

I agree that something must be done. It's time for a meaningful, nation-wide conversation about mental health. That's the only way our nation can ever truly heal.

God help me. God help Michael. God help us all.

As compelling as her story is, the message might be lost because of the messenger.

A number of blogs have identified the author as Liza Long. Those who've read deep into her blog question her motives and parenting. Here's an example from a post about the original story.

By LINDA THOMAS

More from Linda Thomas

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Comments (27)


  • Add A Comment

  • Ron_Spins wrote...
    What makes a 20 something year old (male) lash out?
    December 16, 2012 6:23 pm
    A lot of these killings involve young people what are the risk factors that preclude violent behavior , the Conn shooter probably needed a Dad and friends along with a positive role model.Slapping new gun laws on the books wont solve the problem.
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  • messiah101 wrote...
    Ron spins
    December 16, 2012 8:11 pm
    Actually perhaps because the mother of the shooter had a son living under her roof with mental problems her access to firearms should have been looked at a bit differently.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Ron_Spins wrote...
    correction
    December 16, 2012 9:34 pm
    His access should have been looked at differently ...as in a gun safe. Are you suggesting new laws? Is the state now going to do a mental evaluation of a whole family unit?
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Mavila wrote...
    I Have Someone in My Family That I'm Concerned About
    December 16, 2012 7:24 pm
    He spent some time in the Army in Iraq, so he knows a thing or two about weapons. The Army wouldn't let him stay in probably because of his demeanor (don't know officially why). They made him a cook at one of the bases, so they didn't really trust him with weapons either. He can't keep a job and has anger management issues. I think he has potential to do something along these lines. I really do.
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  • messiah101 wrote...
    I suggest that this women
    December 16, 2012 8:05 pm
    Make up some phony charges of her son's conduct in order to get him locked up better to fabricate some charges then wait for a terrible event to happen and then make the call.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Ron_Spins wrote...
    I am saying fabricating phony charges is not ethical.
    December 16, 2012 9:40 pm
    Upon investigation they will discover the real problem ....YOU! People that has a mental problem needs a positive role model. A parent that can't even tell the truth is only adding to the problem.
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  • BeenThere wrote...
    Make up phony charges?
    December 16, 2012 9:49 pm
    Putting innocent people in jail for what they might do? I thought we were past that witch hunt mentality. Besides being illegal, bringing false charges against someone just might be the tipping point that DOES send them over the edge. Getting a VOLUNTARY health evaluation is the more just and humane approach. Abnormal brain chemistry can be a cause for many psych. disorders. It should at least be considered as a possible starting point for this young man. He needs help and locking him up when he hasn't done anything isn't helping him. Deal with the cause now and you may not have to deal with the symptoms later.
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  • messiah101 wrote...
    Been There
    December 17, 2012 9:59 am
    For crying out loud the son pulled a knife on his mother and threatened to kill her and the PD did not throw the son in jail.This ladys life IS IN DANGER and yes she needs to do whats needed to get her son off the streets. If you had a family and lived next door to this women and she told you the things her son was doing yet her son was not in some type of a facility (including jail)and you called the PD and they did nothing that you would NOT fabricate something in order to protect your family? Read the story and get back to us. This boy is dangerous
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  • BeenThere wrote...
    messiah101...I thought you were responding to Mavila's post. My post was in response to that.
    December 18, 2012 11:18 am
    If you were replying to the story, I agree with your comments.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • messiah101 wrote...
    Mavilla
    December 16, 2012 8:07 pm
    A dirty little secret that the US military isn't very vocal about is soldiers who are given bad discharges that prevent them from obtaining VA medical benefits.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Mavila wrote...
    "soldiers who are given bad discharges that prevent them from obtaining VA medical benefits"
    December 16, 2012 8:58 pm
    I have no doubt that that sort of thing happens. I think he was honorably discharged, but they wouldn't let him re-enlist if that makes any sense. I'm related by marriage, so I don't know all the details. We thought the military would be a good place for him to grow up and learn how to fit in somewhere. We thought it was the perfect place for him. He's pursuing a disability claim right now (PTSD), though he was troubled before he went in.
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  • rational wrote...
    All mentally ill should be incarerated now
    December 17, 2012 5:23 am
    why not, most of the mass killers are mentally ill, look at how many deaths you'd deter.

    Now you might argue that it's taking away the rights of mentally ill folks, but that shouldn't be an obstacle to liberals...they're in favor of taking rights away from people all the time. It was a progressive president who threw Japanese Americans into camps durring WW2 in direct violation of the constitution. This is no different than what liberals have done in the past, and it's only removing constitutional rights from a portion of society and not all Americans.

    Sound outlandish?

    So does banning rifles when, from the last account I read, the shooter didn't even use a rifle.

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  • messiah101 wrote...
    rational FYI
    December 17, 2012 9:46 am
    He shot everyone with a rifle he then killed himself with a pistol
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • rational wrote...
    messiah101
    December 17, 2012 5:31 pm
    The media stories keep changing. I've seen one that said he left the rifle in the car. Who knows...there is no such thing as journalism any longer, it's all propaganda.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Forrest wrote...
    You all missed the point of the story.
    December 17, 2012 6:27 am
    Our for profit healthcare system doesn't take care of the needs of mentally ill citizens.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • ron prevost wrote...
    I'll admit I'm totally at a loss for answers.
    December 17, 2012 7:22 am
    While we certainly should not wholesale warehouse the mentally ill (and just WHO determines the tipping point) as we did even into the 70s, there are too many people in society today needing help who are refusing or otherwise not getting it.

    While I like to think I know a little about addiction, this is a whole different and more complicated subject.

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  • ron prevost wrote...
    One thing, though.
    December 17, 2012 7:24 am
    The moment we start 'making up stuff' to incarcerate others is the moment we all come into danger.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • messiah101 wrote...
    ron p
    December 17, 2012 6:58 pm
    ITs called the LEsser of two evils Ron Use your imagination and think about the direction this womens son is moving.Do you believe he is going to get better on his own? Do you feel that he is a DANGER to his mom and perhaps other people. How would you feel if this boy lived next door and you knew he had threatened his mother and seemed to have violent tendancys?Do you ever have any ideas as to how to solve a problem?
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  • ron prevost wrote...
    I've no ideas how to solve virtually unsolvable problems.
    December 18, 2012 2:43 am
    Anyone who does have all the answers might as well call himself a 'messiah'.

    "The lesser of two evils?" - Are you to tell me that YOU would actually 'make up stuff' if YOU felt it was for the greater good??????? ........ Messiah, that sort of belief is far more dangerous. ..... For ALL of us. .....

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  • messiah101 wrote...
    ron p
    December 18, 2012 11:58 am
    Yep I would make up a story in a New York minute if I felt a person was a danger to myself or other.As I stated the story states this boy threatened to kill his mother and that was not enough to jail him,perhaps the PD would look at things differently when repeated calls of THREATs are made to the PD."Far more dangerous" for me to fabricate a story (LIE) then allowing this crazy kid to advance to killing someone,heck no!So your not for the GREATER GOOD?Whats the matter with you?
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  • ron prevost wrote...
    messiah, how do you arrest someone for a crime not commited?
    December 18, 2012 3:56 pm
    Unless you have the Minority Report.

    By the way, Napoleonic law - which does allow for incarceration upon accusation - would have YOU put away for at least some of your posts. ... And maybe me, and many others.

    Is that really the brave new world you want ???????

    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Chuck Gould wrote...
    There exists a sort of social cancer. We need to accept that truth.
    December 17, 2012 7:52 am
    The social order of the world is made up of cells, sort of like an organ in the body. Each of those cells is a person. The majority of those cells lead short,healthy lives and as they die off they are replaced by other healthy cells who will live their own short life in turn.

    Just like an organ in the human body, some of those cells are defective. Some are defective in ways that cannot be effectively treated or "fixed". We cannot assume the role of God or Adolph Hitler and begin killing off cells that we (sometimes subjectively) judge to be defective, but we can take steps to mitigate the damage that those defective cells can do. We can and should contain, in a merciful and humane way, the uncontrollably violent and unbalanced. Like sex offenders, we need to be very reluctant to ever consider such people entirely cured.

    Containing such people is a cost that goes well beyond what any individual family can afford. We have chosen not to pay that cost, financially, in the US. Most of the mentally ill were turned out onto the streets back in the Reagan era. So, we have saved the taxpayers a ton of money since- we're simply paying another kind of cost as a result.

    More money spent for containment would not entirely solve the problem. We would never be able to control all the radical cells, anyway. A few of these people go off without any real warning, and you can't lock somebody up for what you "think they might do". Where would that end? People being locked up because we think they might support the wrong political candidate?

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  • Forrest wrote...
    Chuck
    December 17, 2012 8:46 am
    Good analogy. Our healthcare system is broken. For the mentally ill, it's nonexistent.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • messiah101 wrote...
    Forrest
    December 17, 2012 7:05 pm
    In this case the mother HAS health insurance but the doctors don't have a clue as to what the boys problem is
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