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 Linda Thomas
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WindowDamage.jpg
This is the kind of damage done to a window after an 11-year-old boy, tired of being bullied by a neighbor woman, shot at her window. (M. Crandall photo)

What's a mom to do after son shoots a neighbor's window?

February 18, 2013 @ 6:06 pm (Updated: 10:33 am - 2/19/13 )

For a couple of years a mom has been telling her son to ignore their neighbor who gives him dirty looks. He did. Until recently.

The mom - I'm not using her name - wrote to me asking for advice. Here's her situation. Their neighbor is a 25-year-old woman who "has been bullying" the mom's 11-year-old boy for the past two years.

"She tells him he needs to stop making her dogs bark when they play outside," mom writes. "They don't purposely make them bark, they are just playing out in my back yard. She has told him our dog is ugly and she gives him dirty looks, just antagonizes him in so many ways."

The mom has told her son to ignore the neighbor and "don't stoop down to her level."

"There have been times where she told me that he is a bad kid while he is standing there. He's actually a good kid. He gets A's in school, plays sports, and plays with anybody and everybody," she writes.

Police were called to the otherwise quiet neighborhood after the son "shot at her window" with a BB gun, and he's in trouble. He will have to pay to repair the window. She doesn't have a problem with that.

The officer involved also told the 11-year-old he needs to apologize to the neighbor. But the mother thinks that's not right because she sees him as the victim of the neighbor's bullying.

"I want my son to be the bigger person and apologize. He is in trouble for what he did, but I don't want him to feel like it's okay to be bullied. Any advice would be helpful."

I don't know the neighbor's side of this. There are at least two sides to every story. I think her son needs to apologize. It's a simple thing to do and could head off a situation where the neighbor pursues the case legally to teach the boy a lesson she doesn't think he's learned.

Beyond that, what are your suggestions for this mom?

By LINDA THOMAS

More from Linda Thomas

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Comments (35)


  • Add A Comment

  • cdbtx wrote...
    Apologize
    February 19, 2013 4:05 am
    and further punishment. Wrong is wrong and to attempt to justify his actions in any way will do nothing more than validate his actions.

    Simply read the mothers words ""I want my son to be the bigger person and apologize" - Absolutely nothing about his actions simply being wrong.. it's about feeding his ego and self-esteem.

    Try this on for size - The son apologizes to the woman next door. "I'm sorry Mrs x for shooting your window, what I did was horribly wrong and there's absolutely no excuse for what I did". "I hope that I can make amends for my actions and that with time you can forgive me" "Mrs Smith, I can understand that I've caused you problems and ask you if you would be willing to tell me how I might make amends and find your forgiveness some day."

    Tough words to swallow - Any idea how difficult it is to offer a sincere apology and put the excuses aside? To sincerely give the person you've harmed the opportunity to say how they feel and to sit and listen and try and understand those feelings?

    A few sincere apologies instead of excuses goes a long way in changing someones life.

    It's troubling to read the mothers words.. yes he's wrong "BUT"..

    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Raymong wrote...
    Agree
    February 19, 2013 5:28 am
    A teaching moment. Teach this young man to be a real man, step up and right a wrong. Apologize sincerely by words and actions. Pay for the repair of the window and then do something nice for her just because you can.
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  • Ernie in the East wrote...
    Well said cdbtx
    February 19, 2013 9:47 am
    Well said. The poor example of this neighbor does not excuse or give reason for this boy to shoot her window. All those other "issues" are completely unrelated to this one. Deal honestly with this issue of the shot window and maybe, just maybe, the ice will break to deal with the other issues.
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  • SickofSeattleite wrote...
    how do you go from bullying to
    February 19, 2013 5:26 am
    it's okay to shoot at her house?
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  • It's me! Ha ha! wrote...
    This is nothing new. This sounds like a page out of my childhood.
    February 19, 2013 5:54 am
    I did not shoot the neighbors house with my air rifle. Nor did I even shoot the gun. I had been out shooting it in the woods. I pointed it in the general direction when he looked at me. This guy had issues. I never shot his house. (although I wanted to!) Came screaming out of the house croaking about how I shot his windows. I told him that I did not shoot at him and was sorry if he thought that I did. He just kept ranting and raving. I asked him where was the BB hit and which window? He started ranting and raving about how I was the worse kid in the hood and how my parents were terrible parents and how I should never have a gun, blaw blaw blaw and walked off. I shouted something back like, "Next time you accuse me of something, don't go running of half cocked!" BB gun half cocked? Ha ha! Not realizing that last bit. Seems to me he moved soon after.

    Don't even recall his name at the moment, just some doofus looking fool with poofy blond hair and glasses.

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  • Hectic wrote...
    Been there, done that
    February 19, 2013 6:23 am
    I shot out a window or two in my day, and believe you me, the hardest part was apologizing. My parents even made me mow one "victims" lawn all summer as punishment, but that was nothing compared to the apology. Although in my defense, I never purposely shot at a window, but when you shoot hundreds of BB's everyday a couple are bound to miss the target, especially when the target is anything that moves,"if it flies, it dies".
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Seattle Dad wrote...
    Neither is OK
    February 19, 2013 6:45 am
    The bullying neighbor is not OK and neither is shooting at her house, or slashing her tires, or anything else like that. There is a point when ignoring a bully encourages the bully to continue or increase her attacks. I would have him look up the city regulations on barking dogs and stay JUST within the rules. If the police show up to discuss the issue with you, he can proudly and politely quote the regulation and how he was within the rules. In such an instance, the officers will usually smile and thank you, then turn on the bullying neighbor.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • jstumbo wrote...
    that would not encourage her.
    February 19, 2013 6:56 am
    That's it. Teach your child to be passive aggressive. You don't think the deliberate escalation of the problems might be a problem?
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • snikkers wrote...
    Apologize is a must!!
    February 19, 2013 6:50 am
    Absolutely an apology is needed!! I can’t think of any more to add to cdbtx’s version of an apology. It’s perfect. The young man doesn’t need to apologize just because he did wrong, although that’s enough of a reason. His mother needs to have him apologize for 2 reasons. FIRST, this experience will really make a huge impact on his life. Look at the comments to this article. My experience was well over 40 years ago and it still is a vivid memory and helps shape my choices today. SECOND, apologizing and having this boy make amends (I love the summer of lawn mowing as suggested by Hectic) will probably change the relationship. The neighbor will learn to appreciate the boy and all of is wonderful qualities that his mom already sees and the boy will learn to respect the neighbor and may even call her a friend one day. This is a win-win for the boy unless the mom screws it up and covers his arse. My fear is that is what will happen. Time for mom to put on her big girl panties and have her son man up. It’s absolutely the best thing for the situation.
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  • Bubba wrote...
    Something is odd...
    February 19, 2013 7:21 am
    ...about this story. Obviously the kid needs to apologize for what he did. Destroying other people's property is never right no matter how much they antagonize you. What I'm having trouble with is the mom. What steps has SHE taken to protect her kid from the "bullying". For TWO years? How about moving? If that's not an option, seems like she needs to put her big girl panties on and have a talk with the 25 year old neighbor if said neighbor is bullying her kid(s). Yep. Something is really odd about this story...
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  • sghouse wrote...
    This was my initial takeaway from this story also
    February 19, 2013 8:12 am
    Why is not the "adult" in your own home dealing with the "adult" neighbor? By not stepping up you have left your 11 year old child to manage a situation in which they have no leverage. Shooting a window was the solution the kid came up with due to his limited life experience dealing with difficult people.

    Since you have allowed the problem to get to this point, the only recourse is to have your son replace the window and sincerely apologize for his actions.

    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Chuck Gould wrote...
    First clue: "The officer involved told her the boy needs to apologize to the neighbor"
    February 19, 2013 7:39 am
    Wow.

    It occurs to this woman that an apology might play some role in this scenario only because the cops suggested it?

    "Hello, neighbor lady? I've been ordered by the cops to apologize to you. So, sorry."

    A 25 year old woman bullies and 11 year old kid? I suspect that only chronologically is she anywhere nearly as old as 25.

    The 11 year old kid is not an adult. The 25 year old neighbor does not behave like an adult. Still deciding whether the mother fails to be an adult, or if she simply has weird parenting skill.

    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Cbrew wrote...
    How is this even a hard question?
    February 19, 2013 7:43 am
    The mom is pretty pathetic for needing advice in this situation, If you don't know the right answer then you weren't raised right in the first place either... You make your child apologize, bullying is one thing, respoding by shooting out a window is going too far, The kid is 11, if he's really a "straight A" student then you should be able to sit down and talk to him about the right responses to a bully, obviously, shooting their window's out isn't the answer. So be an adult, if you're really stuck on this question of whether to have your son apologize for shooting out a window, regardless of how rude you believe your neighbor to be, then i am questioning whether you should be a mother. It's kind of insulting how stupid people are these days... and they just keep getting dumber because of mom's like this.
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  • froggy wrote...
    Mom needs to let the kid vent his frustrations, too.
    February 19, 2013 7:51 am
    The mom needs to have the kid write down what it was that made him shoot the window. Then she'll be able to see just how frustrated and angry the kid is and be able to deal with those issues. The kid will then also be able to identify those emotions clearly when they occur. Mom needs to also make the kid be more definitive if the kid says only "she made me mad". Okay, what did she do to make you mad? Part of our law for Disorderly Conduct: RCW 9A.84.030 Disorderly conduct. (1) A person is guilty of disorderly conduct if the person: (a) Uses abusive language and thereby intentionally creates a risk of assault; While it is still against the law to actually assault someone, their actions may be illegal too. So, perhaps the neighbor in saying the things she does has created the situation where-by the kid did what he did. Both are guilty of something and hopefully if some rookie police officer shows up, he/she knows the law well enough to recognize it. In having the kid write down precisely, if he can, what made him do what he did, there may be evidence to make the neighbor stop doing what she's doing.
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