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 Linda Thomas
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Marriage is sexless for one in five couples

August 8, 2012 @ 5:41 pm (Updated: 11:03 am - 8/9/12 )

Listen to Marriage is sexless for one in five couples

Kay and Arnold celebrate their 31st wedding anniversary with a nice dinner, idle conversation and a practical gift.

"We got each other the new cable subscription," Kay says. "A lot of channels."

MerylTommyWhat she really wants is to have an intimate connection with her husband again.

They haven't had sex for years.

The two end up with a marriage counselor who talks them through steps they can take to become close again, even though Arnold is reluctant, saying "we're not 22 years old."

"Tonight I would like you to spend a period of time with your arms around one another," Dr. Feld advises.

Dr. Feld is comedian Steve Carell, offering tips to Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones who are playing an over 50, sexless couple in the movie "Hope Springs."

The fictional story is real life, and not so funny, for an estimated 20 percent of married people, according to the most recent National Health and Social Life Survey by the University of Chicago.

By definition, "sexless" can mean not having intimate contact within the past six months to a year, though some couples have gone much longer than that.

"I don't know what happened. We don't even talk about it any more. We just stopped having any contact, not even kissing," says Maria, who's 66. "That was about 15 years ago."

A sexless marriage isn't the problem. It's a symptom of the problem. The deeper issue is a lack of intimacy, according to a Seattle marriage researcher.

"When libido dies, it's really because the relationship is not continuing to be romantic and they're not spending time getting close and working on sex that involves intimacy and a real connection," says Dr. John Gottman, director of the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle.

"You hear people say being in love is just something that happens in the beginning when you first meet somebody. You can't have that in a long term relationship. Well, I don't think that's true," he adds.

It is true that marriage, and having a good sex life, is work.

Couples get involved with their infinite to-do lists and stop being playful, having fun and going on adventures together, Gottman says. Most couples don't even know what their partner finds erotic.

People change, and marriages also change through the years. Spouses often think the person they're with is the same person they married 10, 20, or 30 years ago. They don't bother to learn about how their interests, likes and dislikes might have evolved.

"Every single person has multiple marriages in their life, it just depends on whether it's with one person or multiple people," says Seattle psychotherapist Julie Holt.

About half of the clients she counsels have marriage issues.

HopeSprings "If someone is coming into my office and they are tearing into each other that's a sign to me that this will probably work because there's so much passion between the two of them," Holt says.

"If somebody comes in and they just stare at me and say 'fix us' then it's a challenge."

For many couples it's difficult to get back on track because they've gone so long without an intimate connection, either through sex or a deep conversation.

Part of reason marriages might become sexless is rooted in the way each spouse interacted with their parents growing up.

"We want to find comfort, and we want to be safe, and we want to find a place where we can go and it's a sanctuary. Often times we create the patterns that we had when we were kids," Holt explains.

"If you had a lifestyle when you were a kid where you didn't talk to your mom or dad very often and there was not a lot of close, intimate conversation, then you're going to recreate that in your marriage."

Holt doesn't believe there are any "hopeless" cases, if the partners are willing to open up and talk about what they need and want. Easier said than done? Yes. Each partner might be afraid of hurt or rejection, or just entirely apathetic to their partner.

There are mixed opinions about how to rekindle marital sex. For some couples, it may be as simple as a weekend away from the kids, taking a vacation or cruise, or just having some time alone. Others may need help in re-establishing communication. Going to see a light-hearted movie about the subject might be a good way to start.

By LINDA THOMAS

Photos by Barry Wetcher for Sony Pictures Entertainment

More from Linda Thomas

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Comments (47)


  • Add A Comment

  • Cougsfan34 wrote...
    Movies
    August 8, 2012 5:35 pm
    They make couples only porn. They're kinda funny but they are entertaining to watch with your partner. Or swing.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Hayduke wrote...
    And the GOP says, "so what?"
    August 8, 2012 6:24 pm
    After all, for them, sex is allowed only for married heterosexual couples trying to conceive. Even contraception is not allowed in their little world.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • SickofSeattleite wrote...
    @hayduke
    August 9, 2012 5:33 am
    what do you mean contraception is not allowed in their little world? Last time i checked Republicans were against aborting unwanted babies not preventing conception.... perhaps your mixing GOP up with Catholics...
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Bman98121 wrote...
    I like a good troll as much as the other guy
    August 9, 2012 7:52 am
    but bringing politics into this story? Really?
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Seattle Dad wrote...
    Never cease to be surprised
    August 9, 2012 2:05 pm
    by stereotypes of the left. Not sure what hate sites you're visiting, but I've not seen that on a GOP platform. Oh wait. Must be watching the sewage spewing from MSNBC or Huff Post or one of those. Pretty sure all the Republicans I know don't care what consenting adults do. I think some religous folks have some strict rules, but Republicans don't want the government telling people what they can and can't do. That's Liberals who want to do that. Like no 32oz soda in NYC. And banning formula for babies. Forcing people to buy government prescribed insurance that they don't want or need.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Sean wrote...
    Hayduke!
    August 9, 2012 3:44 pm
    What planet do you live on?
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • LogicNReasonPlusScience wrote...
    It's difficult to believe LT can put a cogent thought together that doesn't involve sex...
    August 8, 2012 6:34 pm
    After listening to her mangle morning news with 'high school level' analysis, it's tough to take her opinions seriously, lol.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • TheNewsChick wrote...
    Logic
    August 8, 2012 6:55 pm
    Interesting you call me LT, gives me a clue about who you are. Seriously, lol.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • boeingmarcus wrote...
    Linda is the best
    August 8, 2012 7:03 pm
    Man there are a lot of haters on MyNW.I guess that's true of all of the web. That people are so bitter in their own lives that they have to lash out in judgment on others is sad. I feel sorry for them. Good thing is, I know you can handle it News Chick.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • LogicNReasonPlusScience wrote...
    Let it be known then, LT.
    August 8, 2012 7:14 pm
    I double dare you! Otherwise, you'll now be known as LC, with the 'C' meaning "coward" ;)
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • sportsguru wrote...
    LOL
    August 8, 2012 7:25 pm

    Linda uses her real name and face on her own blog and you are here lashing out with an fake name and you are calling someone a coward,lol.

    You must be in elementary school with the double dare BS,lol.

    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • TheNewsChick wrote...
    LC
    August 8, 2012 7:25 pm
    C is my middle initial so, LC works for me too. I've always had open, anonymous comments on this blog...and always will. I support your right to comment, even if it makes me cringe.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • LogicNReasonPlusScience wrote...
    You're a 'feeler' not a 'thinker' according to MBTI, for sure, and you can't be blamed for that.
    August 8, 2012 7:43 pm
    However, it's clear you need a 'Medved' or something similar to help guide your political compass/bearing before you opine over the airwaves -- you've got some difficulty creating logical 'opinion' off the fly. No offense.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • TheNewsChick wrote...
    Example?
    August 9, 2012 1:27 am
    Can you give me an example of what you're talking about? I don't opine about politics or topics on our show except when I'm forced to for a segment called "good news, bad news, no news." Bonus points if you do it through email, so the comments on this story can actually relate to the subject - it's an important one for a lot of people.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Bman98121 wrote...
    Newschick
    August 9, 2012 6:28 am
    227 AM? Do you sleep? Lady, life after the military is supposed to be a little more stress free. Go to bed!
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Bman98121 wrote...
    Newschick
    August 9, 2012 6:06 am
    ........I support your right to comment, even if it makes me cringe. Is that a dare? LOL!
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • TheNewsChick wrote...
    Bman
    August 9, 2012 7:07 am
    No dare. I need less stress in my life, not more! Part of that stress being my schedule, I get up at 2AM.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Bman98121 wrote...
    This is a good story News chick
    August 9, 2012 7:21 am
    How long have you been married? I know you have kids, but what ages?
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Sean wrote...
    Let WHAT be known, LogicNReason??
    August 9, 2012 3:46 pm
    Hello????
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Matt Lattanzi wrote...
    Don't get married
    August 8, 2012 8:32 pm
    and I will bet dollars to doughnuts that those people still have plenty of sex. What motivation do women have after they have gotten married? None. They will get half of your 401k, your assets, your house. Just stay in a relationship and if she stops putting out, find a replacement
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Bman98121 wrote...
    My wife and I have been married over 20 years
    August 9, 2012 6:09 am
    And yes there are lulls in the bedroom, of course having a 1 year old can do that, but something we have done for our entire time together is date night. I know, some people think it's BS, but it really seems to work for us. We take a few hours and forget about the kids, bills, doctors appointments etc. and act like we did when we met over 20 yearws ago. Good times! Give it a shot!
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Bman98121 wrote...
    OK
    August 9, 2012 7:53 am
    What about kids?
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Seattle Dad wrote...
    Because
    August 9, 2012 2:09 pm
    she still likes it :) Don't be boring. Keep the spark. Keep on dating.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • John wrote...
    Sexless marriages...
    August 8, 2012 8:47 pm
    Why do you think you find so many married guys on Craigslist? Their wives should just review the postings looking for their husband's body photos. I'm sure telltale tattoos and other marks will be able to rat them out.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Keitho wrote...
    Maybe wife swapping is in order
    August 8, 2012 10:28 pm
    I seem to hear about women craving sex and being ignored and men complaining the same. Maybe we should swap partners so that those apathetic to sex can be paired up.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Bman98121 wrote...
    Oh, I dunno about that
    August 9, 2012 6:10 am
    I ahve seen some of the wives here and.YUCKY!
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • CH wrote...
    Marriage is sexless for one in five couples . . . .
    August 9, 2012 2:56 am
    one in five couples are republicans.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • ALifeLongListener wrote...
    Just had to say...
    August 9, 2012 5:00 am
    That it is so much easier to make flippant remarks than to put some thought into making well thought out points to support your view. I find it refreshing when I occasionally run across thoughtful comments on this forum, I just wish it would happen more. Thank you, Linda, for the good job you do. I enjoy listening to you because you usually give me food for thought. As to the actual topic at hand, marriage is a lot of work. It starts with taking care when choosing your lifelong partner, then being willing to continually work together to make it through the good times and hard times. Sometimes life gets in the way of passion in the bedroom, but a strong couple can keep intimacy alive by doing the little things for each other and offering support through the rough times. The rewards of that kind of commitment are incredible.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • TheNewsChick wrote...
    Thanks...
    August 9, 2012 7:08 am
    For the support, BoeingMarcus, SportsGuru, and ALifeLongListner.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • anotherfencewalker wrote...
    Back to the sex thing though..
    August 9, 2012 7:26 am
    LogicNReasonPlusScience, sorry you cant land the morning gig. Their's a reason you are where you are and Linda is where she is. Linda and Tom T. drive that slot and Linda's contribution to MYNW is open forum. That means she doesnt hide behind the facebook curtain. So all I can suggest to you LogicNReasonPlusScience, is to take a shower in Purell, put your latex hospital gloves back on and go find a date for tonite.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • myopinion wrote...
    Linda
    August 9, 2012 7:31 am
    Ignore these losers that have nothing better to do with thier dismal failure of a life but try and berate you. They are the only ones that have the issues not you. God really get up at 2am.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
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