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Will You Get A Divorce? A Local Doc Knows!

April 9, 2012 @ 5:39 pm (Updated: 1:06 pm - 4/10/12 )

By Rachel Belle

heartbreak

Listen to Feature: The Man Who Can Predict Your Divorce

He's not a psychic, but within three hours of meeting you and your significant other, Dr. John Gottman can predict if you'll divorce or not.

"By watching them and coding their behavior and also looking at what is going on physiologically, in their bodies, we can predict, with up to 94 percent accuracy, whether they'll get a divorce or not."

He can even tell you when you'll be divorced. Orcas Island's Dr. Gottman is one of the country's most respected relationship experts, and he's been peering into the lives and bedrooms of couples for the past 40 years. He says there are two kinds of relationships: The Disasters and the Masters, and John says the way they argue is a big divorce predictor.

"The Disasters really point their finger at their partner and say 'You know, as far as I can tell, I'm pretty much perfect, but you are defective and here is what's wrong with you.' They're basically saying 'If you change, we'll have a happy relationship.' Their partner tends to respond to that criticism, most of the time, by being defensive, pointing their finger and saying 'Well, you're not so perfect!' The Masters are really different. They present the problem as 'our problem.' They talk about it in a gentle way that doesn't make their partner defensive."

I plucked out a few Masters from our newsroom to see how they compare. This year, news anchor Tony miner is celebrating 35 years with his high school sweetheart.

"You need to learn how to have a fair fight. No yelling. You can't be yelling and screaming and throwing stuff. You have to be very mellow about it, sit down and analyze it and say 'What are you upset about? What did I do? What's going on here?' Each person has to be able to have a say, and then hopefully you can come to some kind of resolution."

Fair fighting has gotten MyNorthwest.com's Stephanie Klein to her 7th year of marriage.

"There's a lot of humor that gets injected to diffuse the tension and I think that goes a long way. It never has ever escalated to a point of screaming. We try to keep it at a level that's constructive."

As far as when a couple might split up, Dr. Gottman says the fiery relationships usually end at around 6 years and the couples who slowly disengage, who have lost interest in each other, last about 16.

"If it's really hot, if it has a lot of attack, then the marriage burns out real quickly. But if it's low level disappointment, and withdrawal from the other person, then they can raise kids up to the teenage years. Then, all of a sudden, they seem to say 'This relationship is pretty empty.' Then they break up."

Dr. Gottman, and his wife Julie, now train therapists in Turkey, Korea, Iceland and other countries, and they have learned that people all want basically the same thing.

"You need to feel loved and respected in your relationship. There's that sense of justice and fairness and respect, as well as affection and attraction and sexuality. That romance stays alive, that playfulness and fun stay alive. That adventure stays alive. That seems to be pretty universal."

My coworker, Josh Kerns, shares one thing that works for him and his wife of 22 years.

"It's leaving little notes, 'I love you.' It's texting, checking in. I think the little things add up to a lot of big things."

"Find out the things that she really likes. Really likes. Then do a lot more of that," guru Tony Miner says. "I happen to know that a foot rub, just a spontaneous foot rub, gets me miles and miles and miles ahead! Gets me a huge stack of chips. Also, figure out the things that she really hates, that you do, and don't do them. Now that may sound simple, but it's true."

More Rachel Belle

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Comments (14)


  • Add A Comment

  • Moondoggie wrote...
    Advice
    April 9, 2012 7:35 pm
    30+ years and going strong here: If you don’t both occasionally burst out laughing while having sex, you are not doing it right.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Nickatnyt wrote...
    Give me 30 minutes.
    April 9, 2012 8:36 pm
    For only the cost of a juicy burger and cold 22oz draft beer, the couple can get my marriage diagnosis as well, and I bet I am 80-90% right, which is much higher odds than the casino would be.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • maplefish wrote...
    Can He Tell
    April 9, 2012 9:30 pm
    If the judge is going to give the ex-wife the house? All the money? Custody of the Kids? Oh wait, we don't need Dr. to tell us Husbands/Fathers how thats gonna work out....
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Bellevue Pete wrote...
    wrong...
    April 9, 2012 10:10 pm
    The masters are the ones who commit to the relationship and have decided going in, there is NO option for an out. There will be arguments. some good, some bad. yes...I said good. to not argue is unnatural. The Disasters... well, let's see. They tend to believe the grass is always greener somewhere else and they leave the option for an OUT. Divorce, separation, call it what you want, but they tend to find an excuse to NOT make it work. It's not how you argue that makes a difference. As they say in the business, "It's not the mistakes you make that matter. It's how you recover from those mistakes that matters!" This guy is basically saying you should suck it up and be phoney when you argue and not let your true feelings out. (not to be confused with physicality) Yeah, that works. "Honey, I feel your pain. It's all my fault" Just before the guy blows up like a volcano from 20 years of holding it in and internalizing his pain...probably ending in a beating, kid collateral damage or worse. Quacks like this crap me up. They make money off of other people's pain, and 9 times out of ten they give advice on relationships and they either a) never are in a long term relationship or b) never have had kids...but man, they can really lay out the advice on children.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Stevebo wrote...
    Bellevue Pete...
    April 10, 2012 12:25 pm
    Do you realize the irony of your comments? You call this guy a "quack" based on a small online article... yet make the exact same judgements you call this guy a "quack" for.

    Have you looked into a mirror lately?

    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Moondoggie wrote...
    Don't be cruel to a heart that true.
    April 10, 2012 4:49 am
    -------This guy is basically saying you should suck it up and be phoney when you argue and not let your true feelings out.------Wow, that’s not what I heard. I think he was saying that when you have a disagreement with the person you love and plan to spend the rest of your life with, don’t call them cruel names that will cause long term pain. Going back to my earlier theme, it’s a good idea in the middle of an argument to call a time out and both people strip naked. Arguments seem to take a turn for the better after that.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • mnpat wrote...
    About 10 years ago
    April 10, 2012 7:09 am
    The experts came out with a 30 year study about how and why marriages work out....after all the years and all the money that was spent on this valued prize, the experts were expecting to see how couples would talk things out, work through the issues...blah, blah, blah.....and what they found out was......the husband just had to say "Yes dear". And that was pretty much it.....and as maplefish pointed out so poignantly....he pretty much has to say "yes dear" because if mom isn’t happy all of the husbands and fathers know how it's going to end and it isn't a pretty sight if you happen to be the guy.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Ted Bundi wrote...
    Been together since 1980
    April 10, 2012 7:11 am
    Here is something weird. When we were building our house, the light wiring guy was to come on Monday. We went to the the lighting store the prior Monday. WOW, thousands of lights, I paused, saw a lamp, and said to my wife, these will look just great at the dinning exit doors. She said are you sure? I said OK, if you want something else... she said... because of the time schedule for the contractor, those were the same ones she had already ordered.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • Mike_D34 wrote...
    Terrific
    April 10, 2012 7:36 am
    Just Great! Another twit to tell me what will or wont happen in my life... someone (plus the government) just write a darn user manual already, and we'll just have everything pre-programmed.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • MrMoPar426 wrote...
    Two time loser
    April 10, 2012 12:51 pm
    I think this article makes a couple really strong points: 1) Take responsibility for your part; 2) don't play the blame game; 3) Be willing to compromise, and to agree to disagree; 4) don't make it personal. No one has all the answers, take what makes sense from the advice of others and leave the rest behind. We are all unique, don't expect a "one size fits all" solution.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • RoseWhite wrote...
    Wow
    April 10, 2012 1:53 pm
    And I can tell with 90% accuracy who the JADED people are in the comments.
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
  • mnpat wrote...
    Yup, me too.....one only needs to be married once.....
    April 10, 2012 2:21 pm
    Synonyms: ALL IN, AWEARY [archaic], BEAT, BEATEN, BLEARY, BURNED-OUT (or BURNT-OUT), BUSHED, DEAD, DONE, DONE IN, DRAINED, EXHAUSTED, FATIGUED, WEARY, KNACKERED [British], LIMP, LOGY (also LOGGY), PLAYED OUT, POOPED [slang], PROSTRATE, SPENT, TAPPED OUT, TIRED, TUCKERED (OUT), WASHED-OUT, WEARIED, WIPED OUT, WORN, WORN-OUT
    { "Thumbs Up":"1","Thumbs Down":"-1" }
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