close_menu
THE DAILY ROLL

Danny O'Neil's weekly NFL team Rankings

Danny's Power Rankings

Danny O'Neil's NFL Power Rankings | Week 15
Rank Team Comment
1 (1)Green Bay PackersThe Packers would be an award-winning hybrid Smart car, an absolute marvel of modern engineering whose designers insist it's safe. But you look at the size, consider the speed and wonder how it will handle even a minor collision.
2 (2)New England PatriotsThe Patriots are a classic muscle car. The kind you pull supermodels with.
3 (6)Seattle SeahawksA four-wheel drive truck with monster tires that's shown it can roll over absolutely anything, but whose offense gets about one mile per gallon on the highway, zero in the city.
4 (4)Denver BroncosThe Broncos would be a Formula One car that only one guy in the world can drive. Not only that, the car is prone to being totaled if it hits so much as a single pothole in January.
5 (12)Arizona CardinalsApparently the Cardinals are a Brink's truck because no matter how many times they get hit or even change drivers, they keep chugging along.
6 (3)Philadelphia EaglesA MINI Cooper, all speedy and impressive and awesome for your morning commute. But is it big enough to really handle the long haul of a cross-country playoff run?
7 (5)Dallas CowboysThe Cowboys would be a fully loaded Cadillac Escalade with 22-inch rims given by dad as a 16th birthday present, which means the kid has no respect for just how nice it is.
8 (11)Indianapolis ColtsThe Colts get a brand new Mercedes Benz once every 15 years, but right now, the registered owner of the car can't legally drive it.
9 (8)Detroit LionsGot to be a Ford, right? And just like the new Ford Fusions, we're waiting to see how well they hold up over the long haul.
10 (10)San Diego ChargersThe Chargers are an El Camino because no one quite knows what to make of them. Is it a car? Is it a truck? Is it a playoff team? Is it a clunker?
11 (17)Pittsburgh SteelersUsed to be a Bus, then it was a motorcycle ridden sans helmet and now whatever kind of car it is, Le'Veon Bell is fogging up the windows.
12 (7)Kansas City ChiefsDefinitely a pick-up truck. With a gun rack. That's holding a fishing pole. While playing Toby Keith.
13 (9)Cincinnati BengalsThe Bengals' dodgy criminal history means that they get stopped. A lot. Just to make sure they're licensed and registered.
13 (13)Baltimore RavensIn a world of sports cars and fuel-efficient dynamos, the Ravens are a good old-fashioned Ram van that never breaks down and has plenty of room for everyone.
14 (15)Buffalo BillsWhatever kind of car this is, after last month's storm in western New York you can be assured it's equipped with snow tires. And chains.
15 (14)San Francisco 49ersLooks like somebody went waaaaaaay too long between oil changes, and there's now smoke coming out of the hood.
16 (23)Houston TexansIf the Texans were a car, they'd be attached to a tow truck named J.J. Watt who's hauling the team toward a winning season all by himself.
17 (16)Miami DolphinsStill not sure what kind of car the Dolphins are, but I guarantee that Pitbull is playing over the stereo system.
18 (18)Cleveland BrownsThe Browns are a Honda Accord: Sensible. Practical. Long-lasting. And Johnny Manziel is the petulant teenager who's going to crash it into a ditch.
19 (21)Minnesota VikingsWhatever kind of car this is, it ran a whole lot better when Adrian Peterson was on the field.
20 (19)St. Louis RamsThe Rams are an old police car now used as a taxi cab. Lots of horsepower, zero style points.
21 (22)Atlanta FalconsThe Falcons are a luxury sedan with 176,975 miles on the odometer that really should've been traded in last season, but instead, the owner really wanted to squeeze one more year out of it.
22 (24)Carolina PanthersThe Panthers aren't going far this year, but they have a great safety rating. Just look at the severity of this week's accident and lack of serious injury to Cam Newton.
23 (20)New Orleans SaintsThe Saints have a certified race-car driver at the wheel of a Pinto, and a defensive coordinator who looks like a mechanic but can't fix anything.
24 (26)Chicago BearsIf the Bears were a car, they'd be a Go-Kart.
25 (25)New York GiantsThe Giants are your grandpa's Buick, and it's being driven by a man who could actually be your grandpa.
26 (31)Oakland RaidersA classic Corvette that the sketchy neighbor is always working on, but it hasn't passed an emissions test for 10 years.
27 (27)Washington RedskinsWashington paid 200 percent of list price for a new car two and a half years ago, and the thing is always in the shop.
29 (29)Tennessee TitansNot sure of the model or make at this point, but we do know at some point Charlie Whitehurst was driving. Needless to say, it didn't get very far.
30 (30)Jacksonville JaguarsThe Jaguars are the first ever recyclable car. They run out of gas, you just throw them away.
31 (28)Tampa Bay BuccaneersNot even KARS-4-KIDS would accept this clunker.
32 (32)New York JetsIf the Jets were a car, they'd be a bicycle. With a jammed gearshifter. And no seat.


close_menu
THE DAILY ROLL