I had a great time in prison, and some of the best memories I have of FCI Sheridan were NFL Sundays. Our All Day Football crew members had early morning responsibilities. Two guys had to go to the Sports TV room at 5:45 when the doors popped to arrange the chairs and hold down the spot. Another guy stole a pan of cinnamon rolls every Sunday morning to get us off to a good start. The Mexican guys rolled burritos, Guammy prepared Spam Lasagna, and my celly Geoff and I would provide snacks. To acquire our snacks, we would attend the Sunday continental breakfast at the chow hall between 6:30 and 8:00. All they have is coffee,danishes, and little boxes of sugary cereal. Geoff and I would grab some coffee, then take dozens of cereal bags out of those boxes and drop them down our sweatpants for a trip back to the TV room snack stash.
Seems like an easy heist, right? A couple big guys wearing baggy sweats on a Sunday morning attracts no attention. The problem is when you move between your housing unit and any other place on the compound you have to get through the metal detector shack where a guard sits between monitoring as inmates file through. The cereal bags were wax paper so the detectors were no threat, but the rustling sound in our pants was SO loud. We had to recruit other inmates to carry on boisterous conversations on the way through the shack to cover our noisy cereal waddling. But when we made it there were halftime snacks for everyone!
My "government" is Mike Frizzell. Friend me on Facebook where, working together, we CAN beat Farmville. Follow me @drewmcfrizz on Twitter. Check out Takedown Podcast's Facebook page to track this year's new crop of dummies available in the 2015 Dummy Draft.
I'm no sharpshooter, but there's something on the sTens page that this blogger cannot abide. I love the Andrew Walsh Pyramid of Success as much as the next sTen. But it's not a legitimate meme until there are dozens of tiny, destabilizing catrollers (DOZENS!) underneath the pyramid. And speaking of Andrew he's no longer in the "Portly White Fellas" circle of trust. The Subway pastrami sandwich is "not bad?" And we thought the Cuyahoga Clam had good taste. Unlike, Unfriend, Unfollow.
It was disappointing when the TBTL XTRA XTRA never happened. I was pysched for "Lucky's Ironing Corner" and "Andrew's Hot Dog Vlog" segments. It was going to be the ultimate in inside to the power of inside. Work on it, gentlemen. Maybe the Garmin Lady hosts. She has great pipes and strong leadership skills.
Genevieve says Andrew wears a uniform. Luke actually aspires somewhat to the uniform look. I'm all in on this. Find clothes that work and stick to them. A few months ago I bought a t-shirt at Target that Emily said "made my hoots look good." We have torn Austin retail outlets and the internet apart looking for more of these hoot-enhancers (hoot reducers?) with limited success.
My "government" is Mike Frizzell. Friend me on Facebook where Emily says you'll only encourage me. Follow me @drewmcfrizz on Twitter. Check out Takedown Podcast's Facebook page where you can find a story about a man, a mummy, and a sick, sick dream.
Since I often use this space to bag on Garrison Keillor and Prairie Home Companion I must compliment him when it's due. Keillor's decision to use Nipsey Hussle's "I Be Killen Um" as the new backing track for Writer's Almanac is a bold and interesting choice for the legendary nose whistler. It marks a new crossover era of gangsta rap and literature for public radio and I say it's about time.
The shy bladder people are coming out in force over Rob Lowe's DirecTV ads. Well, maybe protesting from the safety of the the bathroom stalls in force, which is paruresis for the course. As someone who almost lost a great cellmate to this condition when he was called to what was (for him) a rare drug test, I have some sympathy for the peeing impaired. That said, go back to your room and pee in a Gatorade bottle. We get very few entertaining commercials so I'm backing DirecTV on this one.
Everyone except JoEllen McCawley have a great weekend and GO SEA-YUKS!!
My "government" is Mike Frizzell. Friend me on Facebook where it's about to get weird with Emily out of town for a week. Follow me @drewmcfrizz on Twitter. Check out Takedown Podcast's Facebook page where Chickfly, the lady making crotchless hiking pants is slowly losing her mind.
Emotions are running high among the Tens. Just when things seemed to be simmering down Luke's sister Rachel came over the boards, pulled a sweater over a mean emailer's head and started raining blows. It was a stunning and ultimately heartwarming display of familial devotion. Also, it's now in the top five reasons to always be nice to Luke. We love you, Rachel Flora Burbank!
To heck with whether the fellas voted and if they feel remorse about it, there's something more important to discuss. We can't let Andrew talk sports anymore. Our rabbit, Branson, knows who John Wooden is and that the Cowboys and Lions always play games on Thanksgiving. First the Clam embarrasses himself by saying the Browns used to play in the NFC and now this? He's as qualified to talk about sports as Hot Greg is to review Grammys shows he doesn't watch.
Emily's son, Cullen, who is in college, loves Eminem. There is so much Eminem loaded onto every piece of electronics we own it's like being catrolled 10 times a day. But instead of some lovely meows it's an embarrassing white guy spitting rhymes and near rhymes from every speaker in the house and car. It would be a personal favor to me if Marshall Mathers stopped making "music" and moved on to the NCIS Jacksonville portion of his career.
My "government" is Mike Frizzell. Friend me on Facebook where I'll keep you updated on our hot neighbor's movements. Follow me @drewmcfrizz on Twitter. Check out the Takedown Podcast Facebook page where we're tracking the progress of a quadruple amputee who murdered his parents and is currently on the roll from authorities.
Much of yesterday's show was spent debating how important it is to vote. In theory everyone should vote but have you talked to people lately? Yikes! Here's my idea. Take 1,000 people in every local election and ask them to read the Voter's Guide. The first person who can successfully summarize every initiative and size up the qualifications and stances of the candidates gets to decide everything. Hopefully he/she will be a nice person and a benevolent dictator but at least we won't be in despair that dummies control our fate.
As many of you know, I was convicted of 38 felonies and am not allowed to vote. Disenfranchised is the fancy term, but it's only for voting. With $4,800 and a dream I can still own a Quizno's. What's odd is that after I got out of prison King County found me and sent me a new voter ID. The FBI probably forgot to tell them I was a danger to democracy. So until I moved to Austin I voted like a madman. On arriving in Texas someone must have leaked the fact that I was a felon because I can't get a voter ID, library card, or even a frequent diner card at Port O'Subs. Travis County officials did, however, give me several guns, concealed and open carry permits, plus a tasty buttermilk ranch dressing recipe as Texas law requires.
While Luke failed to participate in the democratic process yesterday, he successfully carried out Phase Two of our Catroll Cabal's "Holiday Magic" plan. We all felt the thrill when Dave Ross and Michael Medved serenaded Andrew with a chorus of melodious meows. I know you're all anxious to see what our "click clique" has planned next for the Cuyahoga Clam. Patience, my pets. Patience.
My "government" is Mike Frizzell. Friend me on Facebook where for some reason I'm totally surprised old white folks carried midterm elections. Follow me @drewmcfrizz on Twitter. Check out the Takedown Podcast Facebook page where dummies attack dummies on the regular.