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I'm on the downward slope to sickness so I'm writing this in bed. I couldn't come up with much to say about Wednesday's show other than repeating the best line ever from Burbank, "Eventually we'll evolve something."


And tonight I was all set to write something amazing… and then they played a poop song and made some heinous accusations about my political leanings. I'm not saying if they're right or wrong, but I am saying that I believe in the separation of politics and podcast blogging and they crossed the line.

So I stopped listening.

(This is a mockery of a sham. I'm sick. Have a good weekend.)

-toni hammer // whitestten@gmail.com //@realtonihammer

With the end of the world in sight, I decided it's time to cast your vote on who you would want to be your Zombie Apocalypse buddy between our two pals Luke and Andrew. To make your decision easier I've compiled a short pros and cons list.


Luke Pro: He's really into the idea of building a boat which could come in handy.

Luke Con: Can he really build a boat?

Andrew Pro: Always has a clipboard with which to bludgeon the zombies (back) to death.

Andrew Con: Picky eater. Could he give up his food hang ups in the name of survival?

Luke Pro: Able to speak and write well. Maybe he could schmooze the zombies into eating the guy in the tent across the street.

Luke Con: The Big Dog could get him into trouble.

Andrew Pro: Neat freak. You'll need someone like that to make sure the needles are sterilized when you're being injected with some "maybe this will cure you" drug.

Andrew Con: Shies away from confrontation. Zombies are known for their aggression which may be his downfall.

Luke Pro: He enjoys karaoke. We'll need some entertainment during the war against the undead.

Luke Con: He dances like no one's watching. I don't think the zombies will be down with his moves.

Andrew Pro: Shy about dancing. Won't waste time waltzing to the sound of people being eaten.

Andrew Con: Being overly concerned that his hair is making him look like an astronaut.

Luke Pro: Wears shoes without socks. Ain't nobody got time for proper footwear during the apocalypse.

Luke Con: Might be too worried about what people think of his blood stained outfit instead of being worried about, you know, dying.

Andrew Pro: Owns a scooter for easier getaways.

Andrew Con: Owns a scooter so the zombies could have easier access.

Luke Pro: He likes dogs. Could possibly pull some dog whisperer stuff so we could have a guard dog.

Luke Con: Fear of sharks. Aren't zombies essentially land sharks?

Andrew Pro: Anxious worrier. We'll need someone who will think of the worst case scenario and how to avoid it.

Andrew Con: Anxious worrier. Find the silver lining, dude! Carpe diem!

P.S. I hate Luke for getting 12 hours of sleep.

-toni hammer // whitestten@gmail.com // @realtonihammer

Please make checks payable to…

Not really. I'm not doing a kickstarter. I'd like to do one for a nanny though. Anyone wanna come take care of my kids so I can get this stupid book finished? I'll pay you in copies of my mediocre mommy memoir and Goldfish crackers. And maybe some fruit snacks if my kids don't locate them with their toddler sonar.


It is a weird thing to think about though. Anyone who wants to do anything — like make potato salad — can just throw up a page and wait for the dough to come pouring in. But if you're putting dough in your potato salad I think you might be doing it wrong.

I don't think I could ask people for money for some creative or personal pursuit. I have too much pride or not enough confidence or something. There was a time where I chose to sell my kind of nice guitar so I could make rent instead of asking my folks for money, for example. I'm not above asking for help, but when I say help I mean asking people to like a Facebook page or share my work or send me donuts. Not money.

During most of the episode I was eating plastic broccoli and pretending to drink milk from my daughter's tea party set so I don't have much more to write about. Maybe TBTL needs a kickstarter for a new blogger.

-toni hammer // whitestten@gmail.com // @realtonihammer

Finally we get to the bottom of Andrew's dislike of Facebook! He has Nomad's Disease. He's bored and listless and just wants to move on to the next big thing. Sounds like Ello may be just that, but the explanation required to post something made it sound a touch cumbersome. I'm staying on Facebook. I'm a lazy social media-ite so unless my agent tells me I have to go jump onto the next big thing, Facebook is where I'll stay.


The dudes got into an interesting conversation about the awkwardness of revealing personal stuff in outlets where friends and family can hear or read it. The conversation was spawned by this pretty great piece penned by Burbank, and then rolled into Andrew's feelings about his mom listening to his former radio show and his current TBTL showmate status.

I totally get it. As someone who once wrote a piece titled "I Never Wanted Children" for a super popular mommy blog… yeah, it's awkward. And in the book I'm writing, I talk about how my kids ruin mommy-daddy time. My own mom will read that at some point and that's just all sort of awkward. But the thing is… Luke, Andrew, me to a lesser extent, we're all doing it for a reason that's greater than possible embarrassment. We do these things to enlighten, to entertain, and sometimes to let other peeps out there know they're not alone. So if I can brighten the days of 21 people even though it may make Christmas dinner a little awkward… I'll take it. This was incredibly self-promoting. Ordinarily I'd apologize, but this is my 100th blog post so I think I'm allowed to blow my proverbial trumpet a bit.

-toni hammer // whitestten@gmail.com // @realtonihammer

Who steals a turtle? And not just a turtle. A GIANT tortoise. Who does that? Who wakes up one day and thinks, "I'm going to steal a giant tortoise today to get some quick cash." For the love, go wash some windows or bag groceries or something. Go on Craigslist and find a gig where you can make a quick $50. And, while you're on Cragislist, look out for tortoise owner groups. Those are the people you're hurting. Think about THAT.

Also, I really feel like Luke dropped the ball on this segment because he didn't play the "I like turtles" drop nearly enough. I expected to hear it no less than 7 times and was sorely disappointing.


And, so I can get back in Luke's good graces, I'm totally with him on the enormity of the overlap in the Venn diagram of people with the money to buy an iPhone 6 and the people who think you can actually safely put your phone in the microwave. I posted that story on Facebook and got just a touch of push back because of how cruel it is that someone would make that fake ad. Yes, it's cruel, but it's kind of like the Herbert Spencer survival of the fittest idea, don't you think? If you think you can safely put your brand new phone into a microwave… you probably shouldn't have an iPhone.

Rant over. I was upbeat yesterday. Get off my lawn.

-toni hammer // whitestten@gmail.com // @realtonihammer

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