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Who steals a turtle? And not just a turtle. A GIANT tortoise. Who does that? Who wakes up one day and thinks, "I'm going to steal a giant tortoise today to get some quick cash." For the love, go wash some windows or bag groceries or something. Go on Craigslist and find a gig where you can make a quick $50. And, while you're on Cragislist, look out for tortoise owner groups. Those are the people you're hurting. Think about THAT.

Also, I really feel like Luke dropped the ball on this segment because he didn't play the "I like turtles" drop nearly enough. I expected to hear it no less than 7 times and was sorely disappointing.

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And, so I can get back in Luke's good graces, I'm totally with him on the enormity of the overlap in the Venn diagram of people with the money to buy an iPhone 6 and the people who think you can actually safely put your phone in the microwave. I posted that story on Facebook and got just a touch of push back because of how cruel it is that someone would make that fake ad. Yes, it's cruel, but it's kind of like the Herbert Spencer survival of the fittest idea, don't you think? If you think you can safely put your brand new phone into a microwave… you probably shouldn't have an iPhone.

Rant over. I was upbeat yesterday. Get off my lawn.

-toni hammer // whitestten@gmail.com // @realtonihammer

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I've never heard Radiolab which I think is a podcasting sin. I'll confess to some podcasting pope after I send this. Is there a patron saint of podcasting? Anyone know?

I think since I've never listened to Radiolab, it gave me more of a desire to listen to Jad on Tuesday's show because I was just going to be listening to this guy that every other person in the planet adores and I was curious as to why.

Super interesting dude. For reals. Funny and bright to all, and a genius to some.

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He tells a story in the interview about how he knew he didn't fit into the sound composition world like he had originally planned. Time passed, he traveled down new avenues, and found himself actually doing composition again as part of his new gig. It was a super rewarding story for me to hear because that's how I wound up doing what I'm doing.

I've always been a writer. I had a blog before blog was a word. I have several notebooks filled with awful, angsty depressed teenage poetry. I learned to play guitar for the sole reason of writing songs. Writing is just what I've always done. I never knew what I really wanted to do with this thing I loved, though. I can write fiction, but I don't love it. I can write poetry, but I don't have a clue what differentiates good poetry from bad poetry. And then I had my kids.

Suddenly I had something to write about. And I have a never ending waterfall of material to draw from in order to entertain and encourage other people out there in the world with my silly mommy misadventures.

It's funny how you can leave something behind, but in the end, that something will find you at just the right time when you're at just the right place.

-toni hammer // whitestten@gmail.com // @realtonihammer

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Awww. The gents are far apart again back in their respective lands. Pour some out for your homies.

If you're a casual listener and you don't listen to every episode, first off, shame on you. Secondly, you must listen to the first 20 minutes of this show. Andrew gets a mysterious cassette tape and dreams come true.

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The show's kind of downhill from there.

Twitter is hard and Andrew thinks Luke (who I'm considering calling The Burbs from now on) is trying too hard and not letting the magic just happen.

I hate Twitter. I use it to build my brand, if you will, but I don't understand it at all. My confusion is the same as Luke's. Twitter is nonsensical. Much like my presence in the TBTL universe.

But Mr. Burbank, Luke's Dad, is on Twitter to win a Hobbit contest. I can't make this stuff up, you guys.

And then they talk about hotels and water conservation. The first twenty minutes saves the whole show. You gotta believe me.

-toni hammer // whitestten@gmail.com // @realtonihammer

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Thursday's show kind of turned into an early morning Friday show, but what better way to get your Friday started than with TBTL and the amazing Paula Pundstone?

In the interest of full disclosure I must admit that I don't get all fan girl over a lot of celebrities. (I don't know why famous people is a theme this week. It wasn't intentional. I can't think that deeply.) I like a lot of the TBTL guests, but for the entirety of my listening life, I've only been excited about one interview. And it wasn't even a TBTL interview; it was one from Live Wire. I'll end the suspense and tell you it was Kristen Schaal. I love her. I love everything about her — mostly Bob's Burgers. I just get excited hearing her name. Major fan girl moment.

But now, after listening to Thursday/Friday's show, I am a giant fan of Paula Poundstone. Giant fan. Massive. Humongous. That lady is hilarious and honest and real and is everything I aspire to be minus the 16 cats. (If you haven't listened, I'm not exaggerating. She has 16 cats and can NAME THEM ALL. I forget my kids' names half the time and I only have two.)

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I wish I had Paula's number or something because I'm super curious as to how her positive self-talk experiment goes. I keep thinking about doing that sometimes because pretty much by 8 a.m. every morning I think, "Well I'm screwed. This day's in the toilet. Is it bedtime yet?" Maybe if I started doing more positive self-talk mantras I'd be happier. Maybe I should just chant the name of all of Paula's cats instead. I'm sure the mental energy required to remember all of them would be a counter balance to all my crazy.

I don't know if that last thought made any sense, but I need to find more ways to use the phrase "counter balance to all my crazy." Can someone include that in their wedding vows or something?

Have a great weekend!

-toni hammer // whitesten@gmail.com // @realtonihammer

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The gents do it again: make me hungry while listening to the show. Although this time it was for sushi—which I always want—at 8 in the morning when I was able to listen to Wednesday's show. I'm trying to remember the last time I had sushi and I think it'd be easier to remember the last time I got a full night's sleep. I love sushi, but I love bad sushi. Not as bad as Sushi-strami or whatever Andrew's place is, but more like the $1 sushi that goes around on a conveyer belt. I didn't know these places existed until I moved up to Portland so is it a PNW thing? Either way, sushi is on the menu in the near future. Like right after I finish writing this.

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When it comes to the Urban Outfitter debacle, I'm leaning towards believing the store's CEO regarding the Ken State sweatshirt. It does look like an oddly faded red sweatshirt that a hipster who would never be seen in a conveyer belt sushi place would wear. Did they maybe put it up on their site with knowledge of the historical background? …I don't think so. I really don't. I know history, and I wouldn't have thought of that sad story if I had seen the sweatshirt at Value Village. I'm not a fan of Urban Outfitters because of some other clothing mistakes they've made, but this one doesn't make me hate them anew.

And, finally, I love Chris Hayes and he can do no wrong. The end.

-toni hammer // whitestten@gmail.com // @realtonihammer

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