OK, so here's what I do if a singer I call up to perform doesn't appear…..
Hi folks, Mikee here with you again at the Mighty MyNorthwest.com Karaoke Blog and there's many reasons why a singer doesn't come running up to sing…usually it's because they're talking; you know I don't care how much they pontificate how they were REALLY listening for their name to be called, when the pie hole is open, those things on the side of your head (your ears) just don't work. But there are other reasons… the singer could be in the rehearsal room (what I call the bathroom), sometimes a sudden shyness can suddenly overwhelm a patron and just like a rabbit in the headlights they just freeze up, hoping and praying the host quickly calls someone else…not likely with yours truly…I go, "Next up, Charlie!" If I don't see anyone heading toward the stage in about 5 seconds I announce (a little louder), "Charlie?!", if still nothing I bellow, "Charlie…going once!!!, Charlie…going twice!!!...SOLD!!! To the lady in the second row…" and with great dramatics I throw the unfortunate Charlie's request slip into the no zip sorting bin (the waste basket). Sometimes old Charlie comes running in from the outside smoking area (I have speakers out there but, you know, that talking thing? No hear-o when talk-o?) However, when they hear that: Charlie GOING ONCE...Charlie GOING TWICE!!! Ah well, they say the gallows certainly does center a man's attention.

There is one other reason someone doesn't come up when I call, they could actually have left. Of course, because we have without doubt the best show in the known universe, the Bullpen can have staggering waits; even for new singers…a 2-hour wait is common on busy nights. On nights like last night I tell my audience, "Pick your best song folks, for like as not it'll be your only one". Anyway, as shocking as it might seem, some impatient people just have a hard time waiting to sing…and (alas) they split. Which brings us to my point today; last night I called a girl up to sing ("next up Lori!") and one of the bigger groups yelled out, "She's not here, she left!" I could understand that, being as this girl had waited so long to finally get up and sing, so I said, "That's too bad, she picked a great song to sing…oh well, next up is Wendy!" and I threw her slip away. Well guess what happened…Wendy comes up to sing…and here comes another girl, "Hi, I'm Lori, did you call me?" OMG!

Now I have to tell Wendy she has to wait one more song…in addition, I have to look up Lori's song number, as I stupidly just threw her slip away on the word of a group who I now realize didn't even know her. And now as my show slows to a grinding halt, I ponder how at my age I can still at times be so obtuse (I told Mikee he was gullible…and he believed me!), but I did get my revenge. My first instinct was to throw their slips out and go read them the riot act, but I thought about it and lo! inspiration suddenly appeared to take me by the hand and lead me blissfully down the path of joyful and safe vengeance. This certain group of about 10 girls (did you read my last Blog?) was having a birthday party and as a result had their mother in attendance, so I took Mom aside and explained what the children had done to me, and of the resulting stress factor that had occurred. I watched with glee as she went over there and began to chew some birthday butt. Who needed a middle man like me to chastise these female pranksters when they had such a seasoned professional butt chewer already in their line-up? Cut out the middle man! Sorry girls…

Gotta go kids, big Saturday night for us all…now go on out and play! Oh, don't forget to check http://Badaxemikee.com for a complete guide to all your Northwest Karaoke destinations and please let me know if you need a place added or changed to keep it current…have fun everybody…Love Mikee

Also, be sure to check out the videos I post every day from the night before at my YouTube site. Here's a sample, one of my best singers, Annie doing a Blues Brothers' song "Guilty":

BadAxeMikee here with you today on a beautiful perfectly rainy MyNorthwest Saturday afternoon, and I just have to tell you about last night at the Pen. I had a group of about six girls (and their mom) who were celebrating a birthday. On the surface you might be tempted into saying something like, 'Birthday party, chicks, good for business…the best of all possible worlds…a win-win scenario, right? Well beware of what you ask for…

Here was the first indicator that all was not well…a couple of the girls came up and first said they wanted to rock out and dance, then asked if we had this band and that band and something like the 'Dead Puppies', none of which I had ever heard of (please forgive me I don't get out much), and so I suggested and referred them to our book containing a list of ALL our Karaoke songs and… to which she interrupted, 'Oh, but we don't sing… we just want to hear these songs regular…' By regular I assumed they meant non-karaoke songs with vocals and I had to regretfully inform the frustrated birthday-ers that although we did have a limited selection of songs with vocals expressly for dancing, (like Low and the Electric Slide, etc.) all the rest of our songs required someone to sing, you know because it's like…a Karaoke bar? The effect of my comment was one of shock and awe, 'You mean we can't just listen to a song without singing?' I unhappily had to affirm but I definitely wished them a happy birthday, told them I'd be happy to sing a birthday song (one I've heard of) for them, and if they found a song they might like to try I'd gladly help them with it and guaranteed them that they would sound good, my Mikee Pledge… "I, BadAxeMikee, pledge that I will make each and every singer sound better than anywhere they've ever sang before…and further pledge that every single Karaoke virgin will be so reassured after singing once with me, that they will thus become singers for life (and maybe even longer), so say I, BadAxeMikee on this twenty- ninth day of January, year of our Lord two thousand -no hundred -and ten…"

So they went back to their table definitely crestfallen but still with plenty of fight left…the opening songs were great: Dirty Deeds, 3 Doors Down, fast rock songs belting out one right after another…BAM…BAM…perfect for the birthday girls, right?…and to top it off I played some tasty R&B. The dance floor was packed, song after song! Except for the girls at the birthday table…I thought they wanted dance music and they were still just sitting there while the dance floor was poppin! Hold it, here comes one of the girls now… 'Excuse me…we were like…you know the birthday party and like…we were just wondering if you could play something more up tempo and danceable…you know something that rocks?' I looked at her, and then out at all the dancers on the packed dance floor…then I slowly looked back at her…I smiled and said (are you ready?) 'Sure, no problem, coming right up…' As you can probably guess, I immediately dismissed them as un-please-able high maintenance princesses that would never be happy no matter what I did and so I ultimately came to the healthy conclusion they were nothing more than manipulating b*tch*s and that my night was far too short for me to spend it in such a futile and obvious waste.

But then I thought, 'Now slow down just a darn minute Mikee, give the girls a chance…it's a party and they did come into your place on a special occasion.' So, after further reflection, I decided to grab the bra (I mean bull) by the horns and help them find a song to sing. So I went over and after much haggling, complaining, whining and a series of snarls, they agreed that I should sing 'Son of a Preacher Man' by Dusty Springfield. 'Me?' I cried, 'that's a girl vocalist!' the birthday girl replied quickly, and a little heated, 'No it isn't' and glared at me… 'But Dusty Springfield is a girl!' I managed to squeak out in my utter amazement, 'and that song's about her doin' it with the preachers son, I can't sing that…' , 'It is NOT a girl song', she re-emphasized, 'but I guess if it's going to be such a problem, me and her will do it,' she pointed at a friend across the table (who looked anything but enthused), 'she'll do it with me'…I said, 'Great, I'll get you right up in a couple of songs.' I walked away, thanking kind Providence for giving me the patience not to spoil somebody's special night just because they exhibit slightly mental behavior. The next singer was a nice guy named Carl, and he was just starting a Neil Diamond tune and then next up was Louis. I decided to put the girls in right after Louis, even though it was a packed Friday night with massive new singers, and then hopefully, I wouldn't have to worry about them anymore that night…..right….

Well, not even halfway through Carl's song they marched straight up to me and declared, 'We want our song right now…' I replied that Louis was next up and they could go right after, all of a 5 minute wait…they said they were going to leave and needed it now…I said, 'OK, I'll tell you what, I'll go ask Louis if he minds waiting one song and then you can go next (not bad eh?), they said, 'You don't understand…if you don't turn this guy's singing off right now and let us sing, we're leaving.' That one caught me by surprise…I said, very articulately, 'Huh?'…she repeated 'I said, if you want us to stay… turn this guy off right now and let us sing this minute!' Now folks, I've been at this the better part of twenty years and I thought I'd heard it all…but I never fathomed someone could be so obtuse as to think I would turn a singer off in the middle of the song that he just waited an hour and a half to sing…man I tell you what, I wouldn't do that for a thousand bucks handed to me from Miss America herself, but from this snot-nosed little princess…I don't think so… In my defense, I will state that I didn't say any of what I wanted to, but merely replied, 'Sorry to hear that, have a good night…' and I walked away…and they left…noisily and offended, they piled into their SUV, with MOM apparently the designated driver, and down the road they went…in search of easier prey, and I prayed…prayed for the next poor schlep unfortunate enough to have to deal with the High Maintenance Birthday.

Now go out and have fun tonight…and turn him off, it's my song and I wanna sing now!!! Mikee gone…

Hi gang, Mikee here and today I need to tell you about my new fill-in host and not a minute too soon. As you may know I have been working 7 nights a week for many fun but exhausting weeks as Sarah, my previous fill-in, got married and I just couldn't find anyone with stones enough to try as a replacement. If you've seen my show you would understand that I REALLY spoil my singers and a fill-in host can find my show quite a bit more demanding than they're used to or prepared for. But up stepped Joel and last (Sunday) night was his first solo night (with me out of the building) and he did great job!
Joel is an Iraqi War Purple Heart recipient and a great and honorable gentleman, who I'm so excited to have as a part of our Bullpen team, and OMG I get a night off! Actually 2…every week, as Joel will be working Sunday and Monday nights (and any other night I might need off), so all you BadAxeMikee singers go on out and give Joel your support and I will be in your debt. And say hi to DOV for me…she's awesome…talk to you soon, Mikee out…
'This monkey's gone to heaven, sweet Jane…
And that's entertainment, so shake your money maker…'

Hi folks, first a follow up on my last entry about jerks who tip; I was right he came back again! Unfortunately for our hero, he tangled with our bartender and used quite a few expletives and, alas, he's been permanently 86'd (that means barred for life). I think he tipped real good right before they gave him the boot.
However, I wanted to let everyone know that my Karaoke destination guide is up on my website at http://badaxemikee.com (the link is also over on the right) and, as the weeks go by we'll keep adding to it. If you have a Karaoke show that is not listed, and would like to be included in the guide, please contact me and I'll make sure we get your establishment added. Gotta go for now…talk to you soon, BadAxeMikee here, and keep on singing….

Here's a goofy story…. So this guy starts coming in a few weeks ago, puts in a song request (along with a nice little tip, good start)…he gets up and sings, not great but not too bad…after singing he acts real polite…everything's grand. Over the next few weeks he comes in regular… sings one time, tips good and then splits. Perfect customer, right? Well a couple nights ago he comes, same routine…with a slight deviation, this time he stays and begins to act like schmuck of the century, not mean and snarly like…but more the happy go lucky and unable to follow simple instructions type(probably because he deems them completely unnecessary and constricting). So now the dilemma…how to handle a good tipper who's acting like he just turned four and it's his birthday? Well I'll tell you what you do gentle reader, you give that four year old a spanking…right on his Psychological Bottom. So I did, reminding him of the error of his ways, in my own special sympathetic and Genghis Khan-ish manner and POOF! he got mad and went away…wow, that was pretty easy and amazing, huh...way to go Mikee!
So the very next night here he comes, right back in and all friendly like says "Hi Mikee, how ya doin?", just as plain as day…obviously he's completely forgotten the night before and, uh-oh it's…here comes the slip…here comes the nice tip…oh yeah, right back where we were before the whole ugly incident started and oh boy, I'm happy…back on a tipping basis…he'll sing one quick song and then splitsville…Bee-auty . Wrong Mikee… he'll be staying this time, again…only now, right in the middle of my singing a Beatles song (that I just waited 2 hours for) he blunders on stage, grabs a microphone and sloppily attempts to sing harmonies. Now folks, I love the Beatles…the Beatles are one of the reasons I still get up every morning and face another day on this miserable mud ball that we call Earth. I hold Beatle songs somewhat sacred. Kind of the way a farmer will hold up the soil and seed in his hand, knowing the hidden life that will spring from it… sacred, like the way a father will hold his daughter, her innocence and joy of life sacred…the way a golfer will hold a golf course and all it stands for sacred…so when someone bellows out like a horribly injured walrus all over my 'Love Me Do' …that's it …it's on… Things could have gotten really ugly for the poor guy but, luckily for him, the song was almost over and the mike was turned all the way down (now you know, fellow KJ's and wannabee's, why I turn the mike down after every single singer!) causing this gentleman's horrible mouthing's to go all but un-heard…alas.

So now what do I do? He tipped, acted a fool, got spanked, came back, tipped, and acted a fool again…so I should… you guessed it, another verbal spanking and this time right in front of his whole damn birthday party…even the girls. Ten minutes later (after our hero's crestfallen but hardly untimely departure) I sat and pondered that if he couldn't remember being a naughty boy one night…maybe he might not remember being a naughty boy two nights and could he, possibly come back again? Like perhaps tonight? Oh well, guess I'll probably throw him out again (get that tip first) and this time for good! Wait a minute…he…doesn't…remember…Oh my God!
So…go on out and sing everybody…and, host's, if you see that guy…get the money first…and then, throw his sorry butt OUT!

Hi gang, BadAxeMikee with you again and a few thoughts today. I went to a few Karaoke places this last week and I never realized the main difference between places I would sing at and places I wouldn't. I was at this nice place the other night. The singers were fine, the host was OK, the sound OK, but I didn't want to sing, know why? There was no stage! The singers stood in an open area between a group of tables. Now I realize some places just don't have the space for a stage, but for me I have to be higher up than the people watching me or I feel funny. And, I think even more important is if people are too close to a singer they hear too much of their 'open air' voice and not enough processed vocals through the mike. And, of course there were no bright lights…man, ya just gotta have bright lights!

All of these things combine to make you feel more like your singing in your living room and that's not why I sing, it's to feel like I'm NOT home in my living room…I mean, or else why even go out? When I do my show we make a statement…No Lie, No Shy…people who don't like the bright lights and stage don't fret, you still have plenty of places to go (and stand right next to some guy eating his prime rib), frankly most places are like that. But if you really want to feel what it's like to be a star, you get up on that stage, and shout out to the world that you had the guts (if not the common sense), to get under those light's and sing dammit…

Check out nightly videos from the 'Show' at http://www.youtube.com/user/badaxemikee

Happy New Year my dear singing ones, BadAxeMikee back with you kicking off another year and man oh man have I been busy! The crowds, the fights, the ugly and foul drunkenness…but enough about my family, I hope you all have a prosperous and prodigious 2010, and for those of us who have had hardships this past year, may we use those experiences (even if painful) to temper and strengthen our resolve for success in the coming year. For myself, I plan for this to be the best year ever and I will strive every day to make my music better, my singers sound perfect, and help everyone I meet make their musical dreams come true. And who knows, maybe even find some time to write…oh you'd better believe it…

Before I forget, I'd like to send out my best wishes and deepest thanks to everyone at the MyNorthwest.com staff for blessing me with a forum for my rants and raves, and most especially the honor of being amongst such an incredible array of talent that makes yours such a truly world class site, may my writings always warrant being included in such excellent company.

By the way, with the New Year I'm enlisting the aid of a couple of secret compatriots to spy out the Karaoke clubs, and I'll be passing their findings on to you in an objective basis (meaning PLEASE don't blame your humble host, or like Elton John said, 'don't shoot me I'm only the piano player') as soon as they start coming in.

I'm also going to start including a Karaoke destination chart on my website at http://badaxemikee.com for a list of places and the nights they sing. I'll leave you for this time with a thought:

"All is quiet on New Year's Day

Under a blood red sky…

I want to be with you night and day…

Nothing changes on New Year's Day…

I will be with you again…"

The winds of tempest stormed in fury against the ragged battlements, the banners above were lashed and shredded and the poles shivered and then cracked and fell in jagged fragments unleashing widespread destruction beneath. The wind was cold, and tortured icicles now began to form, twisting and turning as they advanced slowly toward the line, as beautiful and deadly as shards of glass or white hot steel they crept slowly nearer. It wouldn't be long until the cursed ice reached even up to the heights of the keep and when this happened, it would be the end. The north wind began to sing…a low mourning mingled with a bassoon like mirth, mocking and inexorable it called out and the ice rushed forward in gleeful answer. Like dry leaves caught in a wildfire the defenders were overwhelmed and consumed, frozen so instantly that each face clearly reflected the surprise as if to the suddenness of their demise.

Finally the keep stood alone. The increasing malevolence of the enemy now raged un-checked all around the base of the keep and began to rise. Those who looked down were dismayed and hopeless as the storm rose to a hideous crescendo looming in from all sides. The defenders of the keep put down their heads and averted their eyes from the horrible fate they had just watched happen to their vanguards. All was poised for the final destruction when suddenly…a single voice cut through the night. A voice of such innocence and purity that with one pure sweet note of longing… silenced the deadly wind as quickly as one turns off a light switch.

The ice cracked and broke, freeing the doomed soldiery as quickly as they'd been frozen, but lo! they were unhurt as well. The night grew pale as the now rising sun shot down a golden beam of light, piercing the gloom and illuminating a lone child standing high upon the summit of a lofty pinnacle. All looked up in hope and wonder as the child held out its arms, beckoning to the clearing skies. And as the light permeated and radiated throughout the land, the child smiled and continued the song…

Check out Bullpen videos posted by Mikee on YouTube...http://www.youtube.com/user/badaxemikee

I remember lying awake on Christmas Eve, unable to sleep, listening for any sound I might catch from my Mom and Dad and what they might be doing out there (you know, like maybe setting up a gigantic race track, or maybe a drum kit, or maybe even putting together a bike!). But no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't hear what they were doing over that stupid music they were playing. Remember how you could set a turntable to play the same 45 over and over? That was my Mom. This particular Christmas it was the Ray Charles version of the Beatles classic 'Yesterday'. Now don't get me wrong, I love Ray, and I love the Beatles even more, but when you're a little kid who can't sleep on Christmas Eve because he just has to know (hey, did I just hear a kick stand?) what the heck is going on out there and all I can hear is that bloody song over and over again and it's making me CRAZY!!!! Finally out of sheer exhaustion I finally fall asleep…
And awake and realize that it's Christmas Eve 2009 and I'm heading to work in an hour (after my little nap), and I'm old now and it was just a dream, and what dream…may all my dreams be so joyous, for not all are. And I'm going to sing Yesterday tonight for my Mom and Pop and my Grandma's and Grandpa's who were but are no more except in my dreams…and may all your dreams be so blessed…
Merry Christmas and God protect you and keep you safe,
While I do what I've been doing every Christmas for over a decade…
Rockin' out at the Bullpen…come and see if you don't believe me…

Some more Karaoke goofs and oddities to amuse you as we roll merrily along…down the never ending musical path…the end of which can never be achieved but still the inner fire is rekindled and tended by the act of the journey. Last night a guy tried one of the oldest tricks in the book…and yet he seemed shocked when it didn't work, hee hee…

Here's how they try it: He waits until you're just swamped…30 or 40 singers waiting…four people trying ask you questions simultaneously…your next singer has decided (at the last second) to change her selection, and you're desperately scrambling to find the obscure 80's monstrosity she calls a song…while at the same time some drunk is yelling at you to play lots more Metallica…you know, a regular old night at the funny farm for Mikee…and now …here he comes…the man with the plan…and guess what he says… "When do I get a song? I put my slip in over an hour ago!" and so of course I politely inquire as to the gentleman's name and our hero replies, "My name's Spike!" Ah yes, Spike…Spike. As I formulate a possible response to dear Spike the four people all asking me questions simultaneously have morphed into a pack of snarling she's, who have now decided that instead of the 87 songs they have submitted in 46 different combinations needs to all be thrown aside and now they want "lots of dance music instead"…the drunk guy bellowing for Metallica has gotten into a fight with some dude who "hates that Metallica crap" and they have spilled over several of the next tables where unfortunately the bar owner's lawyer and accountant are having dinner…while 5 feet away the doorman with the hearing problem and limited peripheral vision reads his paper and wonders when this long slow night will ever end…

You see, Spike's plan was essentially sound in theory: wait till the host is slammed, claim you put a slip in long ago, the host feels guilty for losing your slip and makes amends by immediately putting you up to sing. 'Easy peazy, lemon squeezy'…OOPS!! Except for one slight flaw in the execution of this cunning snare…and that flaw is me. What Spike overlooked was that when he says he put a slip in it would've been at about say 9:45, however when I start my show I always have the first hour booked solid and usually all with regulars who have a distinct and rigid pecking order. So when I start the show I go through and double check all the slips and I write the time each one was submitted in the upper corner so I know how long someone's been waiting. So when a total stranger, with a unique name (and possibly smell) tries to tell me that he put his slip in amongst that…I don't think so, and I kindly inform Monsieur Spike as to his possible error (I love using proper manners when I'm being a jerk, like Churchill said, 'When you're going to hang a man it costs nothing to be polite'), besides they get madder that way, "Perhaps the gentleman would prefer a venue more appropriate to his liking." Whereupon he calls me every dirty name in the book and storms out the door, past the doorman now watching TV who looks up as the door slams and says, "huh?"

And at 2 AM as I duck for the safety of home (keeping my head down and my movements random to avoid possible sniper fire) I thank merciful providence for sparing me just one more week, to at last bask in my double-wide palatial Algona (?) retreat for two blessed days of solace and reflection…and maybe drink some beers.