Official Email Evidence That I Am, In Fact, A 'Cool' White Person.
The other night I gave a ride @ 3am to a kind of sketchy dude (well, I only say that because he tried to sell me some crack). I mentioned on the air that a small part of why I agreed to give the ride was because the fellow was African American, and I didn't want to seem like the kind of white who doesn't give rides to people who are black (I should have turned him down based on the fact that he was buying a single bag of Skittles at 3am at a grocery store, but I digress). Well listener Alex of the ManhaTENs was worried for my safety, and wanted to make sure that my white guilt didn't get me into any more near-pickles, so he gave me this official confirmation that I am a 'cool' white person, and didn't need to give rides to crack-sellers to prove it. I read part of it on the air, but a bunch of you asked me to post it in it's entirety, so here it is:
To paraphrase whatever Joel McHale's character on 'Community' is named, not being racist is the new racist. Your heart is in the right place, but eventually, it becomes the socialogical equivalent of the guy who goes around announcing how straight he is and then makes out with dudes at a gay club just to "prove" that it's not a big deal-- kinda suspect.
In order to alleviate your stress, as a black person, I officially deem you to be Cool. I've been a Ten long enough to feel completely comfortable vouching for you; I'll file all the paperwork at the next meeting. As a result, please no longer feel obligated to do insane things that might get you killed in order to prove that you aren't in the Klan. Note that this does not absolve you of the obligation to vote for Obama in 2012.
Also, you can now just say "black" instead of the cumbersome and inaccurate "African-American." your new status is an indication that you've filled your political correctness quota and no longer need to participate. This right is retained indefinitely as long as you remember to self-cencor out the n-word while rapping along with hip-hop lyrics and watch the entire series of "The Wire" whenever HBO On Demand goes back to Season 1. Each violation of that rule counts as 1/3 of a counter-credit and I'd hate to see you come back before the council just because you got too in to a Jay-Z song.
Your membership card should come in 6-8 weeks, but in the meantime, please carry a copy of this email as identifcation:
Verification Code
738-02XG-NW48.
You're welcome,
Alex of the ManhatTens
Sent from my iPhone
Thank you Alex, you've given me a rare and precious gift. I will treasure it.
I mean, I am afraid of the elderly gentleman who walks his little dainty dog along highway 99 in Edmonds. I only use like 50 m of highway 99's huge sidewalk on my bike , until I get to a bike friendly street, that I take to work.
He yells at me , bikes should be on street, but cars will pass less then .5 m from me on Highway 99 if I am in the highway. I smile and go really slow around , but I get more yelled at that way.
Thanks TBTL for allowing me to share my personal struggle :)
You need to put the crack issue aside because the man was harmless. He was probably testing you to see if you were really being nice or simply looking for drugs. You made the correct call. What would have happened if he would have gotten hurt walking home with his candy? You would have felt like terrible and been totally unaware of his career choice.
I'm happy for you and I think Alex's note is hysterical. Whenever you retell the story I notice you mention the fact that this guy was willing to wait 15 mins for Skittles, which should have been your first clue, and yet, well, what were you doing at 3 a.m.? Hanging out for a Freschettta. I like pizza too, I'm just saying. Skittles, frozen pizza, to each his own.
