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Satire: SPD’s ‘Rate my Officer’ app draws rave reviews from offenders

(AP)

This article is a work of satire, and not meant to be taken literally. It is not based on facts, the quotes are made up, and the app doesn’t exist.   

New, comfortable handcuffs isn’t the only measure Seattle is taking to make alleged criminals feel more comfortable; in the past week, the city has launched a new app targeted at accountability within the police force.  

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The app is designed for those who are arrested and seek to document their experience with the arresting officer. The user can rate the responding officer on a scale of one to five stars, and the average rating of the officer appears on an interactive map, directly above their picture and location within the city.

According to the new SPD policy, any officer with below a three-star rating will be placed on paid administrative leave. An officer with a sub-2.5 star rating is placed on leave without pay and officers below a two-star average rating are suspended indefinitely.  

“This really helps us push accountability within the police force,” Mayor Durkan said in a statement. “I’m confident that this will help further the relationship between the community and police.”  

Individuals who are arrested and subsequently released are able to rate and review the arresting officer through the appThey’re even prompted to give written feedback on the officer in order to go into more detail about the arrest.  

“I think it’s really helpful and creates transparency among the department,” said Black Widow, a 14-time homeless felon twice accused of trying to push a woman into a saw mill. “This technology is really cutting-edge.”  

A total of 13 out of 17 patrol officers have a sub-three-star rating. Patrol Sergeant Bill Williams is the only officer with a five-star rating. 

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“In the back of my patrol unit, I always keep bottles of water and an assortment of candy for the people I pick up,” Williams said. “I always ask if they want air conditioning and what kind of music they like. In fact, I keep an aux chord and cell phone charger in the console for those who want to play their own music and have a dying battery. My handcuffs are made of natural, isoprene rubber, made of all-natural resources, and I always greet the individual outside the courthouse when they’re released with community service.” 

The following is an excerpt from feedback given on Williams by an anonymous individual 

Officer Williams was friendly immediately, telling me to just call him ‘Bill.’ He made a first-time arrest simple and easy. When I didn’t place my hands behind my back upon his request, he laughed, and told me to just ‘hop on in.’ We stopped at McDonald’s along the way and he said I could have anything off the dollar menu. Overall it was a very pleasant experience. 10/10 would want to be arrested by my pal Bill again.

Seattle Police Chief Carmen Best believes this is an essential first step in gaining back the public’s trust in the police department.  

“I love the idea of having suspects document how nice our officers can be, and I’m not being forced to say this at all,” Best said. “I think our officers could use some public feedback on how to make arrests more friendly and conflict-free. And again, I’m not being forced to say this, nor am I being threatened with budget cuts should I say anything negative.”  

Other proposed measures to further police accountability being considered include rubber pellet guns, bi-monthly Convicts and Cupcakes meetings and corgis instead of German Shepherds.

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