Satire: SPD’s ‘Rate my Officer’ app draws rave reviews from offenders

Jul 2, 2019, 5:31 AM

Seattle Police, consent decree...



This article is a work of satire, and not meant to be taken literally. It is not based on facts, the quotes are made up, and the app doesn’t exist.   

New, comfortable handcuffs isn’t the only measure Seattle is taking to make alleged criminals feel more comfortable; in the past week, the city has launched a new app targeted at accountability within the police force.  

Rantz: 91 percent of complaints against cops rejected

The app is designed for those who are arrested and seek to document their experience with the arresting officer. The user can rate the responding officer on a scale of one to five stars, and the average rating of the officer appears on an interactive map, directly above their picture and location within the city.

According to the new SPD policy, any officer with below a three-star rating will be placed on paid administrative leave. An officer with a sub-2.5 star rating is placed on leave without pay and officers below a two-star average rating are suspended indefinitely.  

“This really helps us push accountability within the police force,” Mayor Durkan said in a statement. “I’m confident that this will help further the relationship between the community and police.”  

Individuals who are arrested and subsequently released are able to rate and review the arresting officer through the appThey’re even prompted to give written feedback on the officer in order to go into more detail about the arrest.  

“I think it’s really helpful and creates transparency among the department,” said Black Widow, a 14-time homeless felon twice accused of trying to push a woman into a saw mill. “This technology is really cutting-edge.”  

A total of 13 out of 17 patrol officers have a sub-three-star rating. Patrol Sergeant Bill Williams is the only officer with a five-star rating. 

Should police use facial-recognition technology on body cameras?

“In the back of my patrol unit, I always keep bottles of water and an assortment of candy for the people I pick up,” Williams said. “I always ask if they want air conditioning and what kind of music they like. In fact, I keep an aux chord and cell phone charger in the console for those who want to play their own music and have a dying battery. My handcuffs are made of natural, isoprene rubber, made of all-natural resources, and I always greet the individual outside the courthouse when they’re released with community service.” 

The following is an excerpt from feedback given on Williams by an anonymous individual 

Officer Williams was friendly immediately, telling me to just call him ‘Bill.’ He made a first-time arrest simple and easy. When I didn’t place my hands behind my back upon his request, he laughed, and told me to just ‘hop on in.’ We stopped at McDonald’s along the way and he said I could have anything off the dollar menu. Overall it was a very pleasant experience. 10/10 would want to be arrested by my pal Bill again.

Seattle Police Chief Carmen Best believes this is an essential first step in gaining back the public’s trust in the police department.  

“I love the idea of having suspects document how nice our officers can be, and I’m not being forced to say this at all,” Best said. “I think our officers could use some public feedback on how to make arrests more friendly and conflict-free. And again, I’m not being forced to say this, nor am I being threatened with budget cuts should I say anything negative.”  

Other proposed measures to further police accountability being considered include rubber pellet guns, bi-monthly Convicts and Cupcakes meetings and corgis instead of German Shepherds.

Jason Rantz on AM 770 KTTH
  • listen to jason rantzTune in to AM 770 KTTH weekdays at 3-7pm toThe Jason Rantz Show.

Jason Rantz Show

Jason Rantz

Bob Ferguson...

Jason Rantz

Rantz Exclusive: Secretary of State says AG Bob Ferguson demanded he break law in vulgar tirade

Secretary of State Steve Hobbs says Attorney General Bob Ferguson demanded he break the law in a vulgar and angry tirade.

3 days ago

Image: The crowd cheers at the 2013 Bumbershoot Arts & Music Festival in Seattle....

Jason Rantz

Rantz: It’s time to pull the plug on Bumbershoot Seattle after latest disaster lineup

The newest Bumbershoot lineup confirms what we've known for a while: this music festival is dead in Seattle.

4 days ago


Jason Rantz

Rantz: Asylum seeker says Seattle activists are taking advantage of migrants

Migrants seeking asylum are being taken advantage of by Seattle housing activists convincing them to illegally occupy parks.

5 days ago

Photo: The anti-Israel encampment at the University of Washington gave rise to a new hate group: UW...

Jason Rantz

Rantz: UW Seattle embraced the Nazi Youth as a new generation of hate group has formed

The anti-Israel encampment at the University of Washington gave rise to a new hate group: UW Nazi Youth. It's time we call them what they are.

6 days ago

The State Capitol in Olympia...

Jackson Meyer

Bob Ferguson from Graham on governor’s race: ‘My intent was to win’

After Washington AG Bob Ferguson threatened legal action, two candidates also named Bob Ferguson have withdrawn from the gubernatorial race.

10 days ago

Photo: Progressive candidate Shaun Scott....

Jason Rantz

Rantz: Progressive candidate upset he isn’t running unopposed, makes up candidate

It appears that progressive candidate Shaun Scott expected to run unopposed for a state representative seat.

10 days ago

Satire: SPD’s ‘Rate my Officer’ app draws rave reviews from offenders