DAVE ROSS

Ross: A rather pleasant coast-to-coast flight and college reunion

Jun 16, 2022, 6:59 AM | Updated: 9:25 am
(Flickr Creative Commons)...
(Flickr Creative Commons)
(Flickr Creative Commons)

I tried to avoid all serious issues while I was off, because that’s what vacation is supposed to be.

But it’s not easy, because when you go to a college reunion you’re surrounded by bankers and environmental experts and corporate managers, most of whom are pretty pessimistic about pretty much everything going on now. The only optimists were the physicists who seem to think we are on the cusp of explaining what gravity really is…which, they tell me, will change everything.

And they’re probably right. If a company like Amazon could get control of gravity – noiseless anti-gravity drones could deliver your new sentient Google Pixel 6 and you could watch it carry on conversations for you. So that finally we could all put our phones down and spend more time with family.

Which is the other thing we did. I could spend the next two hours flashing grandchild pictures on the studio live cam, but, instead, I’ll just report on our coast-to-coast travel experience– to balance out all the horror stories we hear about in-flight misbehavior:

I witnessed zero in-flight misbehavior.

I witnessed an orderly boarding, because everyone’s finally memorized the six pre-boarding categories so they know not to rush the door. Paying for in-flight snacks was instant because you pre-load your credit card and it’s tied to your seat number. And liquor prices are so inflated, that drunkenness is unaffordable.

However, just two gripes. They tell you your miles never expire, but they do seem to evaporate – their value is dropping faster than crypto.

And gripe number two:

In a 737, why is the outlet for the phone charger positioned directly under the left leg of the person in the middle seat?

That’s fine if you’re the person in the middle seat, but it means that the guy in the window seat has to say something like “Madam, I just need to shine this flashlight behind your leg so I can sneak the charger under your knee.”

That could come very close to in-flight misbehavior.

You don’t want the person to think you’re looking for a long-term relationship. Although if you’re down to 7%…who knows?

Fortunately, on this trip I was married to the middle-seat woman so she’s used to this… and I think she sort of likes it.

Speaking of the woman I married, she was wearing a beautifully-done French braid for the trip home, and while her luggage contained all sorts of strange gifts including salad oils and a stuffed Llama, what got her pulled aside – was her braid. They wanted to make sure it was all hair. Frankly, I’d been tempted to check it myself but I didn’t dare.

Anyway, she checked out fine.

And knowing the TSA is on the alert for contraband in a grandmother’s hair – you can’t get safer than that.

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Ross: A rather pleasant coast-to-coast flight and college reunion