Rantz: Adorable baby gorilla rejected by mom at Woodland Park Zoo earns a snarky poem

An adorable baby boy gorilla at Woodland Park Zoo was rejected by its deadbeat mother. After the zoo’s staff tried unsuccessfully to train three other gorilla moms to take care of the boy, they decided to ship the unwanted problem child to another zoo where he will inevitably find more disappointment, destined to go into gorilla adulthood with mommy issues.

It seems to me that it’s unfair to move the baby gorilla. The baby did nothing wrong. And, by the way, what does the gorilla baby’s dad have to say about this? Don’t fathers count?

As the Woodland Park Zoo gorilla drama unfolds, it has inspired another “Jason Rantz Show” poem.

More Snarky Poems from Jason Rantz: ‘Where Kids Should Play, But Addicts Stay’: A Jason Rantz poem about a Seattle park in disarray 

From Woodland Park Zoo to Who Knows Where: A Baby Gorilla’s Sad Farewell to a Deadbeat Mom

At Seattle’s Woodland Park Zoo, there’s sad news to share,
An adorable baby gorilla will get some new mommy care.
His jerk of a mom said, “Nah, I’m not feeling you, dude,”
So zoo staff stepped in thanks to the gorilla mom’s attitude.

They gave three other gorilla moms training, but it didn’t stick,
Those substitute moms shrugged him off, “No! He’s not my pick!”
So now they’re packing up the baby gorilla, sending him on his way,
To a zoo with a mom who actually wants to raise him and play.

Is this what they mean by equity? That moms can be as bad as dads?
I guess it’s refreshing to have a story where both parents share the deadbeat parenting fads.

That was a weak rhyme, but it’s hard writing a new poem each Tuesday,
Don’t I deserve credit for being creative in my own way?

Anyway, how is this fair to the gorilla baby? Why must HE go?
I say boot the mom, SHE’S the one saying “Hell no!”
Why should a baby suffer for a mother who won’t show?
That’s just simply unfair, and all of Seattle should know.

Dare I ask: Where is the baby’s daddy? Is he anywhere to be found?
Or is he just swinging through the jungle, nowhere near the gorilla playground?
Maybe he’s a deadbeat, just like mom,
Or maybe it’s the baby gorilla who’s been the problem all along?

Does the dad of this baby even know?
Maybe he’d like to show…
His love and affection that mom won’t give.
But dads have too few rights in the courts, even the zoos where they live.

He will grow up with mommy issues by dating gorillas just like mom,
Emotionally distant … noncommittal … but he’ll try to stay calm
Depressed, listening to “I Can’t Make You Love Me” by Bonnie Raitt on a loop,
While downing banana cocktails and, since he’s a gorilla, targeting zoo visitors by launching at them poop!

The zoo staff say they’re confident they’ll find him a home,
Confident? Four moms already rejected him! He’s doomed to forever roam.
The zoo hopes to get rid of him, make him some other zoo’s trouble,
Shipping him off fast before their guilt starts to double.

A baby who doesn’t bond with mom, news says will result in a lack of confidence.
Aww, he’ll grow up with low self-esteem and a need for constant reassurance.
Oh, how depressing. How will this baby gorilla’s story end?
Please, don’t end up in a roadside zoo where loneliness is your only friend.

He’ll inevitably need gorilla therapy, no matter what happens next.
It’s so depressing, I’ll stop following the story before it leaves me emotionally wrecked.

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