Rantz: Move over Oprah. Here are Jason Rantz Show’s favorite Christmas gifts.

For too long, the disappointing taste of Oprah Winfrey has dominated the gift-giving season with Christmas recommendations. It’s time to end her reign.

To her cultish fans, she can do no wrong. They’ll happily purchase the garbage gifts she recommends for Christmas. Her so-called “favorite things” is supposed to “bring you and your loved ones surprise and delight.” But have you actually looked at her gift guide?

For starters, she’s all on board the Social Justice Express, recommending books to indoctrinate children. Nothing says “delight” like “A Kids Book About Systemic Racism” I guess. And the only thing surprising about a gift of “Winfrey Foods Royal Relish” is that Oprah thinks we want to eat her relish — or that your loved one has such little respect for you that they actually get you hot dog condiments for the holidays.

Plus, don’t get me started on the JUDY Emergency Preparedness Kit in Bin. Spreading the holiday spirit by gifting you supplies to help tend to the gaping wound of a loved one who falls off a ladder, onto the picket fence, whilst pulling down the Christmas lights? Please.

Bye bye Oprah. Time for Rantz.

Unlike Oprah, I actually have impeccable taste. After all, I’m a talk show host and can do no wrong. If you want to truly show your loved ones you care about them, you’ll select a few items from this practical but thoughtful list. If you don’t, well, maybe you don’t love them?

For the politico: A Republican majority in the Senate.

For the coffee lover: There’s literally nothing better than the thick, dark, golden crema of a perfectly made espresso (except maybe a conservative SCOTUS overturning the will of an authoritarian, progressive governor?). It’s the perfect way to start your morning, get through a midday slump, or finish dinner. Go with the Rancilio Two-Group Automatic Classe Espresso Machine ($11,675.00) for that perfect cup. Obviously, the only way to serve an espresso is in Baccarat Harcourt Cafe Set from Neiman Marcus. After all, you’re not a farmer. At just $390 for a pair, consider purchasing four or five sets because no one likes constantly washing espresso cups. As they’re made with lead crystal, these are hand washable only so the more you buy, the fewer you’ll have to clean.

For your Antifa-involved nephew: You have to be careful here. Your Antifa-involved nephew from Kirkland who travels to Seattle to fight imaginary fascists in-between his shifts at Starbucks forced on him by his CEO parents is a tricky one to shop for. He hates capitalism, but loves free stuff. But given his involvement in Antifa, he’s either 50lbs underweight or overweight. If he could use some upper body strength, go with the mountable Tonal Smart Home Gym ($2,995). If he needs to drop a few, send him on an all-expenses paid trip to socialist haven Venezuela ($170 round trip, $3/night hotel). Due to their food shortages thanks to the socialist regime, your nephew will come back with memorable life experiences and at a manageable, healthy weight.

For your teenagers: It’s obviously difficult choosing a gift for notoriously persnickety teenagers. It needs to be both cool and practical otherwise it won’t be truly appreciated. But you can’t go too over the top: we’re in the middle of a pandemic, after all.

For your daughter, the only acceptable gift is a modest car. This is also one of those gifts that can help parents, as you’ll have her do some errands for you (dropping off her younger brother at soccer practice, pick up the dry cleaning, etc.). Obviously, this gift can get prohibitively expensive so skip the 2020 AMG GT C Coupe. But you don’t want to come off as stingy with a 2020 Lexus UX 250h (have some pride, parents). I recommend you go with the BMW M8 coupe ($133,000). It provides your daughter with the luxury she demands, the safety you expect, but with a price tag that says you love her but that if she was a little less of a pain during the shutdown, she would have earned an upgrade to the convertible option.

Teenage boys are a bit easier to shop for during Christmas if you understand them. A thoughtful gift for your son is a one-bedroom apartment in Seattle. Pre-pay a lease that extends to their 18th birthday (obviously when they become adults, rent is on them). Rents are on the decline as Amazon employees flee due to the crime, so there are some great deals and your 16 year old son will find the danger exciting.

For the husband/dad: If you love your husband, you’ll give him this modestly priced upgrade to his mancave. Samsung’s newest 8K offering is the 85″ Q950TS QLED UHD HDR Smart TV. It provides an immersive experience for dad as he watches the game on its edge-to-edge screen. At only $11,999.99, there are obviously more expensive options out there but this is still a high quality option for dad.

For the wife/mom: Last holiday season, there was a significant controversy after an ad showed a husband buying his wife a Peloton for Christmas. It was sexist — that the husband’s gift was a fitter wife for the holidays. I actually found myself agreeing: this was pretty disgusting. Don’t play into stereotypes. And a gift that will benefit you? Don’t buy it! In fact, the best gift for wife/mom is nothing at all. It’s sexist to even contemplate a gift. They don’t need a man to bring them enjoyment. And thinking otherwise makes you a bad person.

For the professional: If you have someone in your life who is developing themselves professionally, show them you care with a quality pen. There’s no reason to buy an expensive pen. But you want one that is stylish and sturdy. Go with the Graf von Faber-Castell Pen in 24-carat gold (honestly a steal at only $4,060 given it’s craftmanship and if you act now, it’s on sale for 18% off).

For the sports fan: If you have someone in your life who is sports-obsessed, put their passion to the test. Purchase a controlling ownership stake in the New York Jets. Not only can you buy in at reasonable rates due to their poor performance, it’s their overall suckage that provides the sports fan in your life with a fun challenge.

For the person who has everything: Nothing. Don’t be a dum dum. Why would you try to get something for someone who has everything? You’re just giving them something they already have. Think you’re especially creative and will find something they don’t already have? Don’t give into your ego. If they don’t have it, it’s because they don’t want it. Otherwise, they’d have it. They’re the person who has everything, after all. They’re rich. Save your money and suggest they buy you something.

What about our politicians?

I would never purchase a gift for a politician (they’re here to serve us). But I have received some requests for last-minute gift ideas. Oprah doesn’t super-serve her fans. I do.

For Governor Jay Inslee: Jay is a simple man. He’s the kind of guy who visits a four star Michelin restaurant and orders a hot dog, ketchup and no bun. He’d be perfectly happy parked near a lake skipping stones all afternoon. But he’s also leading the state through a pandemic, informed by science and data he doesn’t understand. I recommend the Spectrum Science 6th Grade Workbook because you have to start with baby steps and not throw him into the deep end.

For Mayor Jenny Durkan: Before she leaves Seattle for a throw-away post in the Joe Biden administration, she could use “Decide to Lead: The Four Questions Anyone Who Wants to Lead Others Must Be Able to Answer” in paperback.

For Councilmember Kshama Sawant: A kitten to bring joy into her life.

Listen to the Jason Rantz Show weekday afternoons from 3-6 p.m. on KTTH 770 AM (or HD Radio 97.3 FM HD-Channel 3). Subscribe to the podcast here. Follow @JasonRantz on Twitter, Instagram, and Parler and like me on Facebook. 

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