Curley: Couples should fight, just not like Hope Solo

Married couples can get stuck in behavioral cycles of either non-stop arguing or agreeing to disagree.

It’s behavior that University of Washington Psychologist John Gottman says will sooner or later lead to a divorce.

But couples are supposed to fight, KIRO Radio’s John Curley says. He knows from experience.

Curley visited a marriage counselor with his first wife. She asked them if they fight; they responded no.

“‘That’s a very bad sign,'” Curley recited. “You’re supposed to fight.” Not like a Hope Solo fight, he added, but an argument.

Don’t throw the fine china, but don’t suppress all your feelings, KIRO Radio’s Tom Tangney added.

Marriage shouldn’t be all roses and unicorns every day, Curley said. For example, after his mother and father got in a fight, he sent her roses and a card which read, “Bite the bullet: Marriages are supposed to die.”

Why waste the time with roses? Probably to soften the blow, Curley said. It was a way to apologize for the argument, but to also say stay in there and keep on going.

“[Marriages] will die,” Curley said. Then they will continue as a “mummified relationship.”

Tom likes the idea of pushing through tough times, but hates the idea that all marriages die, he told Curley. They live on until someone actually dies, he said.

So how do you determine if a marriage is going along at a good clip?

“You’re not divorced,” Tom said.