Middle school struggles: Psychologist shares parenting tips for the ‘crucial years’

Middle school — it’s more than just lockers and lunch lines. It can be a whirlwind of emotions, shifting friendships, and identity exploration.

For parents, it can feel like navigating a maze blindfolded.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Sheryl Ziegler spoke with CBS to unpack this critical phase and offer guidance from her new book, “The Crucial Years: The Essential Guide to Mental Health and Modern Puberty in Middle Childhood (Ages 6-12).”

Dr. Ziegler describes middle school as a “social minefield,” where kids are learning who they are while trying to fit in.

“Everybody’s trying to figure out their identity while they’re growing at different rates,” Ziegler said. “Some are putting makeup on, and some want to be older, and some want to be still little kids. That mismatch is part of what makes this so incredibly difficult.”

Not to mention, there is also bullying. Dr. Ziegler said bullying peaks between the ages of 11 and 14, ages primarily centered around middle school.

“Verbal bullying is still the most common and the most harmful,” Ziegler said. “So being called names and those kinds of things, that’s what brings people to tears, and they can be 40, 50 years old, remembering how awful.”

Let’s say someone is making fun of the music your child likes. Ziegler advises against letting the child shy away from that music, and to encourage them to keep enjoying it.

Confront your middle school bully the right way

And next, speak up to their bully.

It’s scary, but your child can say something as simple as “I like this music and you don’t, and that’s fine with me.”

Now, to another parenting conundrum: What advice do you give your kid if someone calls them a name? Do you tell them to turn the other cheek? Or name call back? Or do you, the parent, get into the mix?

Dr. Ziegler believes the answer is something in the middle.

“Say back, ‘You know, that’s not very nice that you said that about me,'” Ziegler said. “‘I really like my clothes, or I really like that music. I liked that movie, right?’ And they’re like, ‘Oh, well, that’s too stupid, or whatever else.’ Well, I like it. Say it firm, say it strong, and say it to their eye.”

She said you don’t have to resort to calling them names.

However, when you walk away, which some kids are encouraged to do, sometimes it tends to keep the bullying going. Ziegler also warned about the emotional toll of social media, peer pressure, and academic stress.

But the good news? Parents don’t need to have all the answers. Just being a consistent and calm presence can make all the difference.

These years are crucial not just for kids, but for the parent-child bond. So, if your tween is suddenly moody, distant, or glued to their phone, don’t panic. Lean in, listen, and remember: This is an opportunity to establish trust that lasts a lifetime.

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