How to roast a Seahawk without getting burned

Two of my greatest passions are comedy and the Seattle Seahawks. When asked a couple of months ago to be a part of the Roast of Tyler Lockett at the Parlor Live Comedy Club in Bellevue on Dec. 18, I didn’t check my schedule. I just said “yes,” knowing full well that I would be canceling whatever plans might already be in place that day.

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Lockett, the Seattle Seahawks’ mercurial second-year speedster, is constantly at the center of attention in front of thousands of screaming fans, not to mention the millions watching on TV. Still, he was admittedly nervous when finally taking the podium at his own event, though I didn’t blame him one bit. I was one of a handful of comedians on the dais tasked with skewering the likable, baby-faced receiver. As the old saying goes, “Dying is easy, comedy is hard” and while proper attribution of that quote is still up for debate, as a comedian, I can testify to its validity.

I probably owe Jesse Jones a fruit basket

A quick bit of background, this was not my first Seahawks roast. As a matter of fact, this was my third, but I should never have been in the first one. Back in July of 2015, Doug Baldwin was the first Seahawk to suffer the slings and arrows of ridicule. However, KIRO 7’s Jesse Jones had to drop out at the last moment and I was lucky enough to take his place. Leading up to the show, I was a nervous wreck, constantly rewriting jokes and tinkering with wording. When I took the stage, I met some of my favorite players and promptly mocked them to their faces, fortunately eliciting laughs from both the athletes and the crowd. The event ended up being a smashing success, with players and comedians supplying a wonderful show to a sold out crowd and raising a healthy amount of money for charities. For me, personally, it was the new high water mark of my comedy career and awakened a talent for belittling humor I never knew I had within me. But, there’s a lot more to crafting a good roast joke than taking out someone’s knees.

It’s not just about going low

You do not need to be a mean person to be good at a roast. I’m actually quite a pleasant individual, according to the people who like me. The number one mistake people make when setting out to write a roast joke is thinking: “What are the meanest things that I can get away with saying?” Being mean isn’t hard. Tactfully teasing someone’s shortcomings and pushing their buttons while getting the audience AND the subject to laugh? That’s hard. In a roast, the audience is the only critic that matters and if they feel like the roastee isn’t having a good time or a shot goes too low, prepare to be turned upon. Believe me, there are few places in the world more lonely than on a stage in front of a silent crowd that shouldn’t be.

A roast is only as good as its subject

While I’ve never been the focal point of a roast, if you’re a comedian on the dais, you are fair game to ridicule for everyone on that stage. I didn’t know how I would react the first time I heard another comedian make jokes at my expense. I thought I would be upset, but I found myself laughing along and feeling incredibly flattered, more than anything else. You took the time to find out more about me AND try to be clever? Cool! Still, being roasted is not for everyone. It takes thick skin, self-confidence, self-awareness and more than anything else, humility.

Baldwin, Michael Bennett, and Lockett are players I have enjoyed watching as exemplary players for my favorite team, but after seeing their participation in these roasts for charity, my appreciation for them as human beings is permanently raised. It’s a revealing glimpse into their makeup as individuals and seemingly reflective of the culture of the team as a whole.

I don’t know if there will be a fourth Seahawks roast, but if there is, I’ll be easy to spot on stage. Just look for the guy with the big goofy grin still trying to figure out how he got there.

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