Melinda Gates, the mom behind the magnanimity

“One of the most important things is to understand what you stand for in the world, and to play that out both in your own family life and what you do and choose to do with your time in the world.”

In a modest corner office a smiling Melinda Gates stood up from a small round table, taking a break from looking over a stack of papers to give me a warm welcome as we met for our conversation at the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.

She and Bill knew, even before they were married, that whatever success they might have in life would not just benefit their family. It would help to create equality for people all over the world.

But, where do you start?

“Once Bill and I said that we really, really believed that all lives have equal value on the planet, then you start to look at where are the enormous pockets of poverty? And where are all lives not treated as having equal value?” Melinda explained.

While she has a lifetime to dedicate to the world, her children will only be young for a short time. Melinda wanted to spend several years focusing entirely on her family.

After nine years as a Microsoft executive, Melinda became pregnant with her oldest daughter, Jennifer, and decided to become a full time mother.

“I felt like the kids deserved to have some privacy as they grew up and to have a mom who was very involved,” said Melinda.

The Gates now have three children. Jennifer is away at college. Their son, Rory, is 16 years old and a sophomore in high school. Phoebe is 13 years old and in 7th grade.

Melinda always maintained a foothold in her non-profit work, but it was several years after the kids were born before she felt she could once again dedicate herself to her foundation on a full-time basis.

That doesn’t mean she’s not also still a full-time mom.

“I was home with the kids most of the weekend, then I went off to a big maternal and child health conference for 36 hours. I was back at the soccer game yesterday,” Melinda recounted.

One of the priorities in the Gates home is family dinners.

“Bill and I try very hard to be home for dinner. We have many, many family meals. In fact, probably my 13-year-old, Phoebe, would tell you too many family meals,” Melinda laughed.

Imparting their philanthropic ideals on their children is something Melinda and Bill hope to achieve, but she said it’s not their focus at dinner time. Those conversations start with the kids.

“It’s always about what their day was like, what did they do during the day, what are they thinking about, how did the soccer game go, how’s homework going?”

Although, as the kids get older, Melinda said more and more often they do talk about global topics like AIDS and the refugee crisis.

With great wealth comes great responsibility. That’s an idea that Melinda has thought about since the day she married Bill. It came up when she had a conversation with her mother-in-law about their future as a couple.

At times, she said, it can seem daunting. But, she has learned to focus on the progress in the developing world and other positive changes around her.

“It keeps you working on this, and it also keeps you upbeat and optimistic. Because you see what’s possible,” Melinda said.

Even the most kind and generous people have their critics. Like those who ask why the Gates don’t do more to help cities and towns here in Washington that are struggling. Melinda said she is listening.

“Sometimes they’ll see something that we don’t see about our own work. But, I also know that we’re in the arena as a foundation doing our best (…) and I’d rather be out there daring and sometimes failing than not doing what we’re doing.”

It has taken her a while to hear the criticism without getting discouraged.

But, Melinda chooses to focus on the good, like the changes she’s seen in Ethiopia, a country that’s been able to lift half of its population out of poverty and cut the infant mortality rate in half.

It’s that kind of change that keeps Melinda going at work. At home, it’s the conversations she now has with her oldest daughter.

“She’s very clear about how close we are as a family, what our values are, how we think about the world, and she says that to us often now. That’s very rewarding.”