There’s no shortage of advice for young career women. The latest wisdom comes from a Princeton alum who advises college women to get their Mrs. degree at Ivy League schools.
First, Harvard-educated Sheryl Sandberg, chief operating officer of Facebook since 2008, told women them they need become more aggressive to get ahead in the workplace.
“I want every little girl who someone says ‘they’re bossy’ to be told instead ‘you have leadership skills,'” says Sandberg, author of “Lean In.”
Arianna Huffington, founder of the Huffington Post, responds the opposite is true. Women need to “lean back” and enjoy their lives, rather than spending all their time obsessing about work.
“We want to be more successful, but that means we must also recharge and renew ourselves,” Huffington says. “Stress becomes toxic when it accumulates.”
Now another piece of advice comes from a Princeton alum and parent.
“Here’s what no one is telling you – find a husband on campus before you graduate. Yes, I went there,” Susan Patton says.
Patton, who is the mother of a current student and an alum wrote a letter to student newspaper. Her advice for Princeton’s female students provoked such a response that it crashed the newspaper’s website. (Copied below)
In the letter, she urges female Princeton students to quickly find a suitable husband from among the university’s undergraduate male population.
“For most of you the cornerstone of your future and happiness will be inextricably linked to the man you marry,” she says. “You will never again have this concentration of men who are worthy of you.”
She says Princeton women “have almost priced ourselves out of the market. Simply put, there is a very limited population of men who are as smart or smarter than we are.”
Patton also says young college women should begin looking for a husband their freshman year.
This is 2013, correct? This is the kind of advice a generation before mine gave young women as they went to college.
Another Princeton alum, writer Lisa Belkin, sums up the feelings of those who say “there is elitism oozing out of every pore of” Patton’s letter.
“This isn’t an odds game, this isn’t a quest,” Belkin tells NBC News, “This is something that should happen as part of a fulfilled, dynamic, interesting life.”
Patton, who is divorced and wishes she would have married a man from Princeton, is surprised with the negative reaction to her letter. But she’s not backing down.
“Look, this is advice,” she says “Take it or leave it.”
What advice have you given your daughters about advancing in a career field they’re interested in, or about finding a partner for life?
Is it different from what you tell your sons?
By LINDA THOMAS
Advice for the young women of Princeton: the daughters I never had
By SUSAN A. PATTON
Published: Friday, March 29th, 2013
Forget about having it all, or not having it all, leaning in or leaning out — here’s what you really need to know that nobody is telling you.
For years (decades, really) we have been bombarded with advice on professional advancement, breaking through that glass ceiling and achieving work-life balance. We can figure that out — we are Princeton women. If anyone can overcome professional obstacles, it will be our brilliant, resourceful, very well-educated selves.
A few weeks ago, I attended the Women and Leadership conference on campus that featured a conversation between President Shirley Tilghman and Wilson School professor Anne-Marie Slaughter, and I participated in the breakout session afterward that allowed current undergraduate women to speak informally with older and presumably wiser alumnae. I attended the event with my best friend since our freshman year in 1973. You girls glazed over at preliminary comments about our professional accomplishments and the importance of networking. Then the conversation shifted in tone and interest level when one of you asked how have Kendall and I sustained a friendship for 40 years. You asked if we were ever jealous of each other. You asked about the value of our friendship, about our husbands and children. Clearly, you don’t want any more career advice. At your core, you know that there are other things that you need that nobody is addressing. A lifelong friend is one of them. Finding the right man to marry is another.
When I was an undergraduate in the mid-seventies, the 200 pioneer women in my class would talk about navigating the virile plains of Princeton as a precursor to professional success. Never being one to shy away from expressing an unpopular opinion, I said that I wanted to get married and have children. It was seen as heresy.
For most of you, the cornerstone of your future and happiness will be inextricably linked to the man you marry, and you will never again have this concentration of men who are worthy of you.
Here’s what nobody is telling you: Find a husband on campus before you graduate. Yes, I went there.
I am the mother of two sons who are both Princetonians. My older son had the good judgment and great fortune to marry a classmate of his, but he could have married anyone. My younger son is a junior and the universe of women he can marry is limitless. Men regularly marry women who are younger, less intelligent, less educated. It’s amazing how forgiving men can be about a woman’s lack of erudition, if she is exceptionally pretty. Smart women can’t (shouldn’t) marry men who aren’t at least their intellectual equal. As Princeton women, we have almost priced ourselves out of the market. Simply put, there is a very limited population of men who are as smart or smarter than we are. And I say again — you will never again be surrounded by this concentration of men who are worthy of you.
Of course, once you graduate, you will meet men who are your intellectual equal — just not that many of them. And, you could choose to marry a man who has other things to recommend him besides a soaring intellect. But ultimately, it will frustrate you to be with a man who just isn’t as smart as you.
Here is another truth that you know, but nobody is talking about. As freshman women, you have four classes of men to choose from. Every year, you lose the men in the senior class, and you become older than the class of incoming freshman men. So, by the time you are a senior, you basically have only the men in your own class to choose from, and frankly, they now have four classes of women to choose from. Maybe you should have been a little nicer to these guys when you were freshmen?
If I had daughters, this is what I would be telling them.
Susan A. Patton ’77
President of the Class of 1977
New York, N.Y.
The Daily Princetonian is soliciting reactions to Patton’s letter. It will publish a special section later this week both in print and online dedicated to the responses of the community. Only signed submissions will be published. Please send responses to firstname.lastname@example.org by 8:00 p.m. on Wednesday, April 3.