My husband is taking his mother’s side about raising our baby

On the Gee and Ursula Show, host Gee Scott and guest host Spike O’Neill solve other people’s problems in a segment called … Scenarios.

More Scenarios: Is it coddling to help my adult daughter get her passport?

Scenario: So, my husband’s mom has never been my biggest fan, I’m sure some of you understand that. But things reached a boiling point after she demanded her son, my husband, to bring our new baby to see her without me. I’m furious. First, some history. She never approved of me as a wife and daughter-in-law in the first place. We didn’t fight, we just kept our distance and things got a lot more peaceful when my husband and I moved away. Once she found out she was going to be a grandma, I hoped things were going to get better. Well, it hasn’t. My daughter is six weeks old. Her grandma has met her on video calls but obviously wants to meet her in person. She lives four hours away and doesn’t like to drive. So she has been asking my husband to bring our daughter to her. They worked out a weekend to do that, and we were making plans. Then she told him, out of the blue, she didn’t want me to come. My initial response was to refuse to let them go because, at this age, my daughter can not go anywhere without me. My husband said he can work it out, go there for one day, and take bottled milk, and it will be fine. Then he got mad at me and said I was being unreasonable to try and keep our daughter away from his mom. He says I need to grow up and be an adult. I told him our daughter is still too young. He asked how many years his mom has to wait and then said it was not a big deal. And I’m turning this into a problem. That’s when I lost it. I said that his mom was the one making this a huge deal by telling me not to come. As of now, I refuse to let him take her. He is now really angry and has told his whole family that I’m being the B-word. What should I do?

Spike O’Neill: I have no idea. I have no idea how to help this woman. I am so lucky that I’m married into a family that I guess had low expectations, but thinks the world of me. I was so accepted and loved by my in-laws. I have no idea what this poor woman is going through. But I can tell you this, Mom, you’ve got all the leverage, you got the baby. If grandma wants to meet the baby, then grandma sucks it up and meets the baby with you there because that’s what’s best for the baby. And now I mean, your husband is calling you the B-word to all his families and catering to his mom? This grandmother has no right to tell the mom of a child that she’s not welcome in the home. The baby will get through the bottle of milk for a day, the kid is going to be uncomfortable, and the kid is going to be anxious. What kind of associations do you have with Grandma? Grandma means my mommy’s not around. Those kinds of mental blocks we build at such an early age stay with us for life. Grandma’s doing more harm than good to herself by not being adult enough to accept a mom she doesn’t like or agree with when meeting her granddaughter.

Andrew “Chef” Lanier: I never say this, but you should probably consider divorcing your husband. I cannot imagine. I can’t imagine taking the side of your mom over your own wife and your own infant. This is one of the most vulnerable times in any family’s existence is when you have that baby, that time right after you have a baby. Your job as a husband is to protect your wife and your child at all costs. Like physically, their reputation, their integrity, their emotional and mental well-being. You are the lead blocker for your wife at all times in this situation, and the fact that you are running patterns for your mom. Unreal. You have a dysfunctional marriage, just fundamentally, fundamentally. I can’t see how you stay married to someone who does this to you.

Gee Scott: Chef, I’m with you. You know, on the Gee and Ursula Show, we do not recommend a split.

Chef: I’ve never said that.

Gee: This is deep down to the core. The fact that you are now the evil person. By the way, I know firsthand how this happens. This is why I say what I say about in-laws and this is why I say, in the very beginning, before you make the decision to marry someone, I’m telling you, you better play out some scenarios in your mind. In this case, I’m with you Chef, this is going to be a problem forever. You are married to this person, you are connected to this family for years to come. You might have to just cut it. The fact that they made you, the wife, the mom, to be away from the baby at six weeks old? Is there an adult in the room here? The audacity of the husband to not stand up for his wife.

Spike: Cut the cord, big guy, cut the cord. The last thing I’ll say is if this mother-in-law doesn’t like the daughter, then husband, I’m talking to you, how about a chance to show her what [kind of] mom she is to show your mom? This is her as a mother, the mother of my child, so either accept her as who she is and the job she’s doing or we’ll send you a card at Christmas.

Nick Creasia: It just sounds like the families are making this case way more complicated than it has to be. I say, why hold back from letting them ride along for the trip for the mom’s sake? For the kid’s sake, how are we letting them get stuck in the middle of all this? Let the mom come, there’s no reason for these selective desires. Sounds like there are no adults in the room so at the end of the day, should we even just ask the kid what they want?

Chef: Put the baby in the middle of the room, and see who it crawls towards.

Gee: I just want to say that, for the people in the world that use kids as pawns in this world, it’s awful. It is so awful to do those things. I just want to say to this topic almost has me so triggered.

Listen to Gee Scott and Ursula Reutin weekday mornings from 9 a.m. – 12 p.m. on KIRO Newsradio, 97.3 FM. Subscribe to the podcast here.