Rantz: Fireworks are the worst. But here’s what’s even worse this Independence Day

Jul 3, 2024, 10:45 AM | Updated: Jul 4, 2024, 7:18 pm

Fourth of July fireworks...

Fireworks display in Seattle (Photo courtesy of KIRO 7)

(Photo courtesy of KIRO 7)

Fireworks are the quintessential symbol of American freedom this Fourth of July. I love Independence Day, but I must confess: I despise fireworks.

I hate fireworks, not because I’m some killjoy who hates fun. That’s undoubtedly true. But in this case, I hate fireworks because after the first 11 seconds, they’re about as thrilling as watching paint dry. They’re repetitive, loud and, ultimately, a colossal waste of time unless you’re under the age of 11.

Fireworks are mostly for children and people with the attention span of a gnat. Once you’ve seen one explosion of glittering lights, you’ve seen them all. They’re like the Michael Bay of holiday celebrations: all flash, no substance. It’s just the same plot over and over again with slightly different action sequences.

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How can I hate Fourth of July fireworks while also hating people who hate fireworks?

As much as I loathe these overblown sparklers, the people who complain about them are unbearable. And they’re ruining my hatred of fireworks because I fear I’ll be lumped in with them.

Every year, without fail, the same sanctimonious crusaders crawl out of the woodwork to hide their anti-American spirit behind claims of hating fireworks — I hate fireworks, not America.

“Think of the veterans with PTSD!” they cry, as if every veteran is cowering under their bed at the mere hint of a firecracker. They’re not.

This isn’t to diminish PTSD, but the idea that these activists care about veterans is absurd — they are using veterans for their own anti-American crusade.

They just don’t like Independence Day because it celebrates a settler-colonial white supremacy culture — or whatever nonsense word salad they vomit from their face holes.

Then there’s the environmental warriors, clutching their pearls over the supposed pollution.

I’m sorry, but have you seen the state of our cities? You can’t walk a block without stepping over a tin foil used to smoke fentanyl or dodging a pile of human waste. But sure, feign concern over the minuscule amount of pollution from fireworks.

It’s like worrying about a splinter while you’re bleeding out from a gunshot wound. I’d tell these people to prioritize but they’re not interested in that.

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We should all love Independence Day

I love Independence Day — even the movie; it actually holds up!

I love everything the Fourth of July stands for — the freedom, the barbecues, the sense of unity. It’s the one day where we can all come together to celebrate what makes this country great. Yet every year, I find myself torn between my disdain for the repetitive fireworks displays and my absolute revulsion for the whiners who use this holiday to push their anti-American agendas.

So, where does that leave me? Stuck in the middle, hating the fireworks, but hating the activists more.

They’re like two sides of the same irritating coin. One is a childish spectacle that loses its luster in mere seconds, and the other is a parade of virtue signalers who think they’re saving the world, one dampened celebration at a time.

I guess I hate fireworks haters more than fireworks this Fourth of July

In the end, I’ll tolerate the fireworks. I’ll roll my eyes, sigh deeply (which, honestly, is how I get through most days anyway), and endure the endless pops and booms.

But please — don’t lump me in with the killjoy activists who want to rain on everyone’s parade because of some ideological hatred of what we stand for. I’d rather be bored to tears by fireworks than be associated with those sanctimonious zealots.

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At least fireworks, for all their faults, are honest in their simplicity. They explode, they’re done and we move on.

The complainers? They’re the gift that keeps on giving, only I wish I could return them. I’ve got the receipts of their silly argument! But there’s a no-return policy.

Happy Independence Day, everyone.

Listen to “The Jason Rantz Show” on weekday afternoons from 3-7 p.m. on KTTH 770 AM (HD Radio 97.3 FM HD-Channel 3). Subscribe to the podcast here. Follow Jason on X, formerly known as TwitterInstagram, and Facebook.

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