Rantz: Let me ruin WSU’s ‘Name the apple’ contest for you

Apr 11, 2024, 5:45 PM | Updated: Apr 12, 2024, 7:32 am

Photo: In this photo taken Friday, Feb. 12, 2016, a box of Cosmic Crisp apples is shown at Washingt...

In this photo taken Friday, Feb. 12, 2016, a box of Cosmic Crisp apples is shown at Washington State University's Tree Fruit Research Extension Center in Wenatchee, Wash. The apple was a brand new trademarked and focus group tested variety developed by the WSU lab. (Photo: Ted S. Warren, AP)

(Photo: Ted S. Warren, AP)

Washington State University (WSU) is acting like it needs our help to name its newest apple creation. How sweet, right? But really, hold your applause and your suggestions, even if this kind of fluff story, in a world of serious news, brings a smile to your face (if I’m always miserable, why shouldn’t you be, too?). It feels like Big Apple might be behind it. Can they be trusted?

After two decades of playing God with apple DNA to boost disease resistance, they’ve birthed this thing they’re calling WA 64 — a name with as little personality as the scientists who develop new strains of apples (no offense, but if they had better personalities they’d probably work on fruit more exciting than apples, like mangoes or cherries, maybe even grapes).

There’s also a glaring problem with their apple-naming contest. We won’t even see this apple in grocery stores until 2029. WSU wants us to get all creative and name it now? We haven’t even tasted it.

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How does one name a Washington apple when one does not get to taste it?

How does one describe the taste of an apple, exactly? Are people pretending to be apple savants? WSU doesn’t even describe the flavor, they just call it a mix between Honeycrisp and Cripps Pink (aka Pink Lady). Because we all sit around contemplating the nuanced lineage of our fruit? How is this helpful, exactly?

You can’t tell the difference between apples that are similarly flavored. Who do you think you’re kidding? You’ll nail Granny Smith versus Gala, and that’s it. Want to know what an apple tastes like? It tastes like an apple.

And WSU scientists, you’re the one who knows what it tastes like. Why don’t you name it? Why are you pawning off the apple naming on us? Scared you’ll flop and be blamed for the apple failing to gain traction? Well, we don’t want to take the blame, either. I still live through the trauma of naming my first Hamster (Cleo, after the psychic). I don’t need another misnaming burden to carry through life.

Plus, they want us to give away our genius naming rights, all for the grand prize of a box of these apples. Half a decade from now. That it’s. I’m a hard pass. What if they taste like cardboard (or, more likely, every other apple)? Then we’re stuck with a literal crate of disappointment — one we’d have to declare on our taxes. (They also offer you a 30 oz. can of Cougar Gold Cheese from the WSU Creamery, but it’s already got a name, so who cares?)

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WSU won’t even pick the best name

Let’s cut to the chase: WSU probably won’t choose anything remotely fun or clever. Look at the rules: No references to illegal substances, activities, profanity or offensive language. (You do have to be a legal U.S. resident, so we should laud them for a rule that will likely get them canceled by the Radical Left.)

We could call it something spicy like TentCity Tart, in honor of Seattle’s thriving shanty towns. Or maybe the Tacoma Tarnish, in ‘tribute’ to how Democratic policies have burdened the city with crime (the name is as subtle as the apple’s sweetness).

We could call it the WealthFlee Fuiji since the affluent are fleeing the state because of the capital gains tax. Maybe the PumpPain Pippin or TankDrain Tart seeing that we still feel the pain of Democrat’s cap and trade scheme that’s raising our gas taxes.

Why stop there? Inspired by Democrats’ gender extremism, we could always just call it an Orange. That’s how it identifies.

Instead of the best name, they’ll just go with something bland and safe. They’ll give it some name that makes you nostalgic about Washington like Raindrop, Washington Red, or inspired by some <insert cultural group Democrats are currently pandering toward for votes while not making the lives of the people in that community any better>. They might get lazy and go full-meme, calling it Apple McApple face. (Okay, in fairness, I do like that name.) I can’t believe I spent 54 minutes writing this.

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Rantz: Let me ruin WSU’s ‘Name the apple’ contest for you