Etiquette For Nerds

By Rachel Belle

Listen to Etiquette For Nerds

Nerds have become a very important part of our lives. They bring us many of the things we love, like iPhones and robot girlfriends. But if there is one thing that many nerds struggle with, it’s etiquette and social cues. Realizing that software engineers and programmers might lack the social skills they need, some tech companies have been hiring etiquette coaches to come in and give them some training.

“Nerds are the greatest people in the world,” says engineer Richard Norman. “They have the brains, we just have to show it on the outside as well.”

Norman took it upon himself to sign up for Deborah King’s Final Touch Finishing School, to learn skills like how to dress for an occasion or behave at a formal dinner.

“It’s common sense for older generations. These are a lot of skills that have gone to the wayside in the past 20 or 30 years. Everybody needs to be reminded on how to come to the table, sit with other people and enjoy other people’s company, not just the meal.”

Deborah King says a lot of tech workers need to brush up on the same skills.

“Communication skills, because so much of it has been focused on the computer and not so much face-to-face. Making good eye contact, having the ability to carry on a conversation. They’re uncomfortable in that, so what they tend to do is stay home with their computer, where they feel safe, and that’s their comfort zone.”

But nerds do need to leave the house sometimes, and King says sometimes they get held back in their careers because they lack interpersonal skills. But how do you teach someone to be a good conversationalist?

“I have this little technique called ‘Launch Linger Leave.’ So when you launch a conversation, start off with asking open-ended questions. I like to encourage people to use this phrase ‘ Tell me about…’ Tell me about your family, tell me about what you like to do when you’re not in the office. Then you linger by following up with more questions. But I always caution people: Be careful that you don’t sound like a reporter. It’s an exchange.”

King teaches skills beyond just eating and socializing, she reminds people to be considerate to others.

“For instance, the shopping carts at the store,” starts Tammy Jackson, one of King’s students. “I’ll be thinking ‘Oh, I don’t feel like walking this all the way over to the cart thing.’ But you think, ‘Well, it’s courtesy and etiquette to take it back and put it where it belongs.'”

Jackson wishes a lot of other people would be a bit more self-aware and take an etiquette lesson.

“I wouldn’t be caught dead outside my apartment door in my pajamas. I’ll go to the store and I’ll see people walking around in house slippers and their pajamas. That to me is very lax.”

One of King’s biggest pet peeves is also one of mine.

“The use of smart phones and mobile phones with other people, their focus is on their technology and not on the people at hand. It just makes me so sad because it’s relationships that really help us to be able to enjoy life and give us opportunities.”

King isn’t implying that we lapse back into the etiquette of the 1950’s, but she thinks all of us have gotten way too casual when it comes to how we dress, eat and interact with each other.

“HR tells me often that they’re having to have many conversations now with staff, telling them to brush their teeth and wear deodorant. There was a recent report out of California, out of the Law Review, about ‘They need to start wearing their underwear.’