Breaking Up (With Friends) Is Hard To Do

By Rachel Belle

Listen to Breaking Up (With a Friend) Is Hard to Do

Confession: I have two friends who I’d like to breakup with. We’ve grown up, grown apart, and our personalities no longer mesh. Not to mention, they stress me out and make me upset far too often.

But how do you break up with a friend? I consulted clinical psychologist, and author of The Friendship Fix, Andrea Bonior.

“There’s no real script, and since you’re not monogamous with friends sometimes it’s a little more ambiguous. It’s like ‘Ohhh, well I guess I’ll just keep going with the friendship. What’s the harm? I won’t bother to breakup with them.’ Then, before you know it, you’re miserable.”

Dr. Bonior says it’s so common for people to want to break up with a friend, but we don’t talk about it like we do with romantic partners.

“I think a lot of women feel really guilty and they think ‘Well, it’s not very nice. This person needs me. Maybe we have a history, that is particularly important.’ Women can be very loyal to their friends, even when the relationship has long gone south.”

Stephanie Rose had known her best friend for 22 years, since elementary school. She says they were inseparable and roommates in college. Eventually, they started growing apart, but Stephanie’s breaking point was when her friend wouldn’t break up with an abusive boyfriend, who had also lashed out at other friends.

“He would call her fat, say she was ugly, break up with her and then get back together the next day. Not a good guy.”

Stephanie finally decided they had to break up.

“I finally had to say ‘it’s me or him.’ She said ‘him.’ [I was] stunned!”

Stephanie was up front and honest, which Dr. Bonior encourages. But for the less brave, she recommends what she calls The Slow Fade.

“The Slow Fade is when you gradually stop returning phone calls, you don’t initiate contact as often. Now, this can work beautifully if the other person takes the hint and takes a step back as well. The problem is, a lot of times this backfires.”

It backfires when the person doesn’t get the hint, and they start to call even more, wondering if they’ve done something wrong. But the ultimate message is clear: Just do it. Take control of your life, and remove the things that cause you stress and make you unhappy.

“In my experience, clinically, it’s a lot better to have the initial awkwardness than the long, strung out friendship breakup,” Dr. Bonior says.

“It took me six months to actually get up the courage to say ‘Look, it’s me or this guy and I can’t do this anymore.’ Stephanie told me. “It took a long time to get there and I think it was one of the best decisions that I made for myself.”

Not to say that it’s going to be easy.

“I feel terrible about everything,” Stephanie adds. “It’s harder than breaking up with boyfriends.”