Scenarios: As a single father, when is it ok for my daughter to start dating?

On The Gee and Ursula Show, hosts Gee Scott and Ursula Reutin take listeners’ advice questions and discuss what they think you should do.

Scenario: I’m a single dad to a great 12-year-old daughter. Her mother was the love of my life, but she passed away last year. I have a great relationship with my daughter, but she’s getting to an age that makes me miss my wife even more. Last week, she told me she was interested in dating. And I have no idea how to respond to this. I don’t know. I don’t want to freak out and overreact to it. But up until now, she’s always been a tomboy that hangs out with boys and always found them fun, but dumb. Well, that’s changing, and it’s rocking my world. What is normal? Do they go on dates? Do they have boyfriends at this age? Do they hang out after school? When does it change from competing with them in sports and thinking romantically about them? And how do I talk to her about this? My instinct is set to an age like 15 or 16 that she’s supposed to be doing this. Not at 12. That gives me some time to figure it out. But I am struggling here.

Ursula Reutin: I think honesty is the best policy and I think he should be real honest with his daughter and say,’ hey, I don’t have a playbook on this’ and talk about it. I mean, 12 does seem young to date. I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 18. I just told you guys that this morning.

Gee Scott: But did you date?

UR: I was interested in boys at 12.

GS: Did you try sneaking a boyfriend though during that time?

UR: I tried once, and then, one time my mom was looking out the window as someone was trying to plant a kiss on me and it was just so embarrassing. She was like, who was out there? The dogs were barking. It just really killed the mood. But I would just have that conversation. Maybe seek out other female friends and other parents about what they’ve gone through. We were talking about this earlier about how people are so averse when it comes to talking about sex and talking about relationships, I think the more open you are and allow her to ask you questions as these things come up, the better. I mean, I was very open with my boys. To this day, they come to me for advice. They share things and it’s such an honor to have that kind of relationship.

Andrew “Chef” Lanier: I’m waiting for the advice here because my daughter is 16 months. I think the only thing that you can rely on at this point is what you’ve modeled as a father, what it means to have a healthy relationship with your daughter, and what it means to show her respect. I guess if I was talking to my 12-year-old daughter, there would be two, maybe three pieces of advice I would give her. One, you never owe anyone anything for taking you on a date. Two, doing anything that you feel pressured to do is something that you should not be doing, and you have the absolute right to say no, at any time. And three, the biggest thing that you should know about anyone who’s dating you, as far as a green flag, is how they treat you. Do they treat you with respect? Do you feel respected by them and appreciated by them?

GS: That’s good stuff. Ursula, like we said this morning, we are so outdated on how we have these discussions about sex with our children. I’m going to go ahead and say this, of the three of us, Ursula is the best when it comes to discussions with your children and being open about these conversations. And I’d say of the three of us, I’m the worst.

Nick Creasia: I’m right there with you, buddy. I haven’t been in this guy’s shoes before, but I think Chef’s advice is good. Be close about it, be warm, but you don’t want to get too involved in her business, you want to tell her to be treated with respect and we’ve all been there before.

GS: By the way, that was my way of getting out of giving you any advice because I have none.

UR: That’s not true. We need to have that discussion at some point. We’re running out of time right now, but why is it so hard to have those conversations? That’s how we learn.

GS: Nobody taught me. I never had a discussion about sex with my mom. Literally. I have never heard my mom say the word sex, let alone the discussion.

UR: Because she thought maybe if she didn’t bring it up, it just wouldn’t happen?

GS: Eighth grade, came home from Military School, underwear drawer, there’s a box of condoms and a paper bag. That’s all I got.

Listen to Gee Scott and Ursula Reutin weekday mornings from 9 a.m. – 12 p.m. on KIRO Newsradio, 97.3 FM. Subscribe to the podcast here.