Less stuff, more experiences: How to clear your kids’ toybox clutter

Sophia Grigerman is 16 months old and has a lot of toys. They cover every surface of her family’s living room.

“A lot of kitchen stuff, like plastic food, blocks, puzzles, stuffies everywhere,” says her mom, school psychologist, Alexis Grigerman.

The toys are in the finished basement. “A bunch of bins full of random toys.”

And they spill out into the front yard. “We have a scooter and a little tricycle that we got at Goodwill.”

Alexis says the toys help occupy her young daughter.

“I just think parenthood is so isolating now. If you don’t have your good friends who live right down the street from you, you usually don’t get a lot of time with other kids their age. So a lot of it is just trying to find stuff to do.”

But Alexis also has a hard time letting go.

“I think we’re going to have another baby in the next few years, we want to have it all. They’re all for different developmental levels. So I’m afraid to give them away.”

Judging from the dozens of messages I got from listeners when I asked if their kids have too much stuff, I know Alexis isn’t alone.

“Everyone that I know who comes over here, when it looks like this, says that’s how their house looks too. I don’t have any friends, that I can think of, who have ever been surprised by how many toys we have.”

Most moms who wrote to me want to know how to de-clutter and stay uncluttered.

So I called Bea Johnson, a mother of two who lives in Mill Valley, California. In 2006, Bea started to live what she calls a zero waste lifestyle. Her family literally only throws away a quart of garbage each year, everything else is recycled or composted. When Bea goes to the grocery store she buys everything in bulk, including fish and meat and cheese, and she has the deli counter pack her items into her own containers.

And her kids thrive on experiences, not on toys. Her boys were 6 and 7 years old when the family made the dramatic change, and got rid of 80 percent of their belongings.

“They were used to having a huge Christmas list and we encouraged those lists,” says Bea. “However, when we decided to simplify our life, we said, ‘Can you please pick one or two items that you really want and that Santa can bring to you?’ We explained to them that Santa brings just one toy to every kid on Earth. At that point the kids really had to make a decision: What is it that I truly, truly want and maybe even need.”

Bea says the hardest part is getting others to stop giving her family gifts.

“We’ve also encouraged the grandparents to not give them stuff but to give them the gift of experiences. Same goes if we have to give a present to someone for a birthday present, we give the gift of experiences.”

Alexis has tried this. When Sophia turned one, she told birthday party guests not to give a toy.

“Bring your favorite book and write an inscription on the front, like a little note to her,” Alexis says. “I think we got five books. We had 80 people here and we got five books. Everything else was toys. People gave us two toys at least. [We got], like, 100 toys.”

Not only has Bea’s family stopped giving and receiving material gifts, her kids are trained not to accept party favors, take home free pens, and guests know not to bring hostess gifts that aren’t edible or reusable.

“You have to be really strong about it,” Bea coaches. “I think we’re too afraid to really say what we think. It’s up to us to say, you know, I’m sorry but I have simplified my life. It’s extremely important for me to stick with my simple life and I hope this doesn’t hurt your feelings, but I don’t need this. I’ve had to say this myself and it is difficult the first time you have to say it. But then people take you more seriously and they won’t bring those things into your home anymore.”

Bea and her family have a policy: If something comes in, something must go out. Her kids never have more than seven shirts and 4 bottoms, and all their clothes come from thrift stores. She says having less stuff has given her family a richer life.

The money they save goes towards vacations and since they have far less to clean up, they have more time for family hikes and picnics. Bea no longer saves things out of sentimentality.

“Since I’ve started this lifestyle, I’ve become completely detached from stuff,” says Bea. “I’ve realized that really, life should not be about stuff. Life is about experiences, it’s about relationships, it’s about experiencing connections and seeing things.”