Ross: Fixing mask-wearing’s branding problems with new terminology

To hear people still arguing about masks and social distancing tells me that a lot of us make these decisions not based on science, but on what other people might think of us.

I think the problem may be the terminology.

“Social distancing” sounds too much like socialism. So suppose instead, we tell people to go out there and own your space. When someone gets too close you say, “Hey, I own this space!” Now I sound like an action hero!

And if someone says, “Oh, you mean you’re social distancing?” You say, “I am practicing locational independence — I’m boldly stating that in America, I can stand as far away from you as I want, and maybe even farther than I want if that’s what I decide to do.”

Now people know not to mess with you.

“But Dave,” you say, “What about the mask? Doesn’t that show I’m afraid of a teeny weeny piece of DNA?”

No. The purpose of the mask is oral modesty. It also lets you smirk at your political enemies without them knowing. Or if you’re like me and haven’t shaved since March, it’s a beard vest.

As for the COVID vaccine, you’ve got Democrats who won’t take it because it was rushed by President Trump, and Republicans who won’t take it because they don’t trust vaccines.

But for me, I cannot wait to get my freedom needle, while bravely owning my space in my beard vest.

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