The parenting advice going viral right now: be the pilot, not the passenger
Sep 26, 2026, 5:00 AM
An expert is challenging some of today’s most popular parenting trends, and it’s striking a chord.
It’s one of the biggest parenting conversations right now: have we become too focused on our kids’ feelings?
On the “Call Her Daddy” podcast, clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy said the answer might be yes.
“Kids are born with all the feelings and none of the skills,” Kennedy said. “And so that’s why good kids do a lot of bad things. Because when any of us — by the way, at any age — have feelings that overpower skills, they come out as behavior.”
But when it comes to so-called gentle parenting, Kennedy is not on board and said she’s a sturdy parent.
Three pilots, three parenting styles
She described parenting like piloting an airplane. So let’s imagine there’s turbulence on a flight.
“There are three announcements that could come on from the pilot, and they perfectly mimic different approaches to parenting,” Kennedy said. “Pilot one says, ‘Hey everyone, stop screaming back there. You are freaking out over nothing. You are so dramatic. Why can’t you have one flight where you’re just calm, it’s no big deal?'”
Now pilot number two is the opposite extreme.
“‘Hey guys, there is a lot of turbulence. I’m going to open up the cockpit doors,'” Kennedy said, as an example. “‘If anyone back there wants to come and fly the plane because this is a really tricky situation and maybe one of you knows what to do.’ And this is when we don’t have any authority, there are no boundaries, and we look to our passengers to make decisions that really should rely on a closed cockpit. We are not equal decision makers with our kid.”
And finally, here is pilot number three.
“‘Hey guys, I hear you screaming back there,'” Kennedy said. “‘There is a lot of turbulence. And by the way, if you want to keep screaming, scream away. I’ve been a pilot for a number of years. I know we’re going to get through this situation. I’m going to stop this announcement right now and go back to doing my job, and I’ll see you when we land in LAX.'”
Kennedy said passengers want a pilot who acknowledges their fears but still confidently flies the plane. And she said parents should do the same. Listen to the feelings, but stay in control.
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Kennedy’s warning: stop rescuing your kids from hard feelings
She warned that constantly rescuing kids from uncomfortable feelings can backfire.
“Learning how to tolerate disappointment, learning how to tolerate jealousy, these are the skills of life,” Kennedy said. “And you can’t develop skills for experiences you’ve never had.”
That philosophy shows up in her idea of being “long-term greedy.”
Instead of fixing every problem today, Kennedy said parents should think about the adult they’re raising tomorrow.
“I don’t know, I’m sure there is going to be a day in college where she sees her friends have a dorm room without her,” Kennedy said. “And do I want my kid to call me and be like, ‘Will you call the dorm?’ Or do I want my kid to know by that point this sucks, but I already have had life experience to see I can survive it and cope with it.”
The goal, she said, is confidence. But not the kind built by constant praise.
Kennedy said real confidence comes from self-trust. Parents build it by supporting children through difficult moments.
She said sometimes the hardest moments today are the ones building stronger adults tomorrow.
Read more of Katrina Guischard’s stories here.
