Dori teaches you how to be a woke Progressive with Christmas movies

It’s that time of year again — time to curl up with hot chocolate and frosted cookies and enjoy some of your favorite Christmas movies. But if you want to be a true Progressive, it turns out you can’t enjoy any of the holiday classics. An article on the pop culture website Culturess analyzes every Christmas film from a feminist perspective and grades it based on how woke it is — and needless to say, none of the holiday specials pass the test.

White Christmas — The article is appreciative of Betty and Judy having their own careers, but notes that throughout the movie, they mostly work to help the careers of Bob and Phil, rather than furthering their own dreams.

It’s a Wonderful Life — In the quasi-apocalyptic, alternate universe version of Bedford Falls sans George Bailey, Mary Hatch is depicted as having the most depressing fate of all — she is single and works as the town librarian. Never mind boardinghouse matron Ma Bailey and Uncle Billy in the mental hospital — it’s Mary who came out the worst. Clearly, the article says, this makes it seem as though Mary’s life only has meaning if she marries George.

RELATED: The worst Christmas songs of all time, according to Dori

Elf — The article points out how weird it is for Buddy and Jovie to have a child just a mere 12 months later, especially as Jovie is a flat character who “doesn’t really have a personality.” The author argues that Jovie’s only role in the film is to react to the male star and then “bear Buddy’s spawn.”

A Christmas Story — The leg lamp is clearly an objectification of women that everyone seems to find funny.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas — After the Grinch steals Christmas, he is totally forgiven because he says he is sorry. The author states that this is a common theme for men who do horrible things, and hypothesizes that a female Grinch would not have been let off the hook so easily.

Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town — Jessica the schoolteacher gives up her career to move to the North Pole and become Mrs. Claus.

Home Alone — The author argues that Kevin should have been a girl to counteract the stereotype that only boys can be mischievous pranksters.

A Charlie Brown Christmas — According to the Culturess piece, the movie makes it seem like Christmas is only for Christians when Linus reads the Nativity story in front of everyone, thereby religiously indoctrinating the other students.

Christmas Vacation — Clark Griswold embodies “toxic masculine pride” throughout the entire movie, leaving no room for any significant female characters.

And, as the Dori Monson Show talked about last week —

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer — The reindeer, elves, and even Santa himself bully Rudolph and Herbie the elf for being different from the crowd and expressing their individuality. And the sexist Donner tells his wife she is not allowed to come help him search for the missing Rudolph because it “is man’s work.”

You may be looking at this list and wondering, which Christmas movies are safe for feminists to watch? The answer is … none. “Because,” as the newly-Progressive Dori said, “If you’re a good feminist, you shouldn’t enjoy anything.”

“I want you to be as enlightened as I am … Man, I feel enlightened,” Dori said. “I feel so woke.”