Dori honors Dear Abby by solving your problems

In honor of the death of advice columnist Pauline Phillips, also known as Abigail Van Buren of “Dear Abby,” Dori decided to solve his listeners’ problems, “instantly and with little forethought.”

When Dori was nine years old he and his best friend, Christina, developed a deep appreciation of the Dear Abby and Ann Landers advice columns.

So much so that they pitched the editor of the children’s page of the Seattle Times their idea for an advice column for kids.

They didn’t get the job, but Dori has held on to his dream of getting a chance at professional advice-giving ever since.

Dori thoughtfully read his first advice-seeking email from Natasha, who says she’s a single mom who can’t get a date even though she’s subscribed to multiple dating sites. Dori’s advice to Natasha was unexpected: get off the internet, stop looking for dates, and start looking for your passions in life.

“Find a couple things in life that you are just passionate about,” said Dori. “You want to meet someone who shares a passion, and find a group that meets that does you passion, find a group that shares your love. You can find someone in that group.”

Producer Jake says, simply, to get sexier.

“That’s the way to land a husband,” he said. “Or a wife.”

One man asked for advice for a friend, who is now going on his honeymoon with his fiance after she skipped out on the wedding. The friend wanted to know what to say to caution his friend, and possibly dissuade him from going on the trip.

“I’d say, enjoy the ride,” said Dori. “You get to be in a fabulous destination with someone you’re in love with enough to get married, but without the commitment of marriage.”

“You’ll probably get to work some stuff, too,” said Jake. “Have a great trip.”

Diana wrote to Dori about her neighbor, Helga, who is trying to get her family to take care of the weeds between the two house’s driveways. Since the weeds are right on the border of their properties, Diana thinks they share the responsibility. But Helga won’t budge.

Dori suggested using some Miracle Grow on the weeds, but Jake thought that strategy was too passive.

“I think she should probably pick the weeds and throw them at the neighbor as she is walking by,” said Jake. “Or she could pick the weeds, place the weeds then onto the neighbors side of the property. Replant the weeds just a couple of inches on the other side.”

Finally, Dianne wrote from her job at a “governmental agency that operates a large port here in Seattle.” She said that she’s a loyal listener, but that her husband and everyone she works with hates Dori. She doesn’t even agree with anything that Dori says! But she listens anyway.

“Is there something wrong with me?” she asks.

No, say Dori and Jake. You are a special person.

“It takes a special kind of person, Diane, to be the pinnacle of virtue in a sea of vice. Let your heart sing at your specialness. You are the only one in this organization – you are the model of sanity in the midst of an asylum,” says Dori.