Ross: America’s most divisive issue – candy corn!
Happy Halloween! It’s the holiday where you cheerfully give others peoples’ children the candy that you hide from your own. Alas, it comes at a time when the nation is more divided than ever … over the candy corn issue.
It’s true that some places still embrace this confection. The online Candy Store calculated each state’s most popular Halloween candy and found that candy corn is the top treat in seven states: Alabama, Idaho, Iowa, Michigan, Nevada, New Mexico, and Rhode Island. It ranks as the no. 6 most popular candy nationally. Don’t worry Washington — our top candy is salt water taffy.
I have a theory that candy corn is not really meant to mimic corn. It’s actually a miniature bar graph depicting the gradual discoloration of the un-flossed human tooth.
And yet the kids don’t care. They’ll do anything for candy. They’ll make themselves irresistibly cute. Which is really unfair – you’re not going to unload your candy corn on a cute kid dressed like a princess or a pirate. But after 8 p.m. it’s mostly teenager axe-murder victims — so I just pour candy corn into the pillowcase at that point. They look at you in a really judgmental way. But really!? You’re going to be fussy when you’ve lost that much blood?
Anyway, I wish Charles Dickens had gotten a hold of Halloween: “A Halloween Carol!” Bob Cratchit comes home after a hard day working for Scrooge: “Come on Tiny Tim, thank goodness there’s one holiday Scrooge can’t take from us.”
“What are we doing Daddy, is it Christmas already?” Tiny Tim asks.
“No son – it’s better than Christmas! It’s Halloween. We don’t need Scrooge’s charity, We’re goin’ out and gettin’ us some free candy corn!”
“But Daddy– don’t I a need a costume?”
“That’s the best part! You’re goin’ as Tiny Tim. Now get in the car.”