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Ross: When the ransom gets kidnapped

In this photo illustration, a visual representation of Bitcoin cryptocurrency is pictured on May 30, 2021 in London, England. (Photo illustration by Edward Smith/Getty Images)

The Justice Department announced Monday that it seized 67.3 Bitcoins out of the 75 that Colonial Pipeline paid the cybercrooks who encrypted their data.

Here’s my favorite clip from yesterday’s DOJ announcement:

“The extortionists will never see this money.”


And according to the members of the DOJ task force that made this happen, all companies have to do to thwart these crimes is something most of them apparently haven’t done: inform the Justice Department the moment they get hacked.

“The message we are sending today is that if you come forward and work with law enforcement, we may be able to take the kind of action we took today, which is to deprive the criminal actors of what they’re going after here, which is the proceeds of their criminal scheme.”

What she’s saying is that the DOJ has figured out HOW TO PUT EXPLODING DYE PACKS IN CRYPTO RANSOMS!

That is truly magical. And for their next trick, I’m hoping they’ll do something even more magical. The mother of all magic tricks. Make coins disappear. As in Bitcoin.

The Constitution is quite clear. It is Congress that establishes and regulates currency. Congress should immediately declare any contract for Bitcoin unenforceable. And then it should set a date. I would suggest next January 11 – Alexander Hamilton’s birthday – on which day, all Bitcoin would magically vanish … and reappear as legal dollars on the balance sheet of the United States Treasury.

All Bitcoin owners would have until then to cash out, and it would henceforth be illegal to use computers to (quote) “mine” crypto currency.

Don’t worry – if you still want alternatives to currency, you can trade gold, diamonds, blocks of salt, even Tom Brady rookie cards.

And for hackers who suddenly find themselves with all that unstructured time on their hands – suppose you guys take down some terrorist organizations. Hack the drug cartels. If you pulled that off, I bet a lot of us would cheerfully send you real money voluntarily!

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