GEE AND URSULA
Scenarios: My husband quit his job but still wants me to get up and make him breakfast
On the Gee and Ursula show, hosts Gee Scott and Ursula Reutin take listeners’ advice questions and discuss what they think you should do.
I’ve been married to my husband for a year now. He quit his job a few days ago. I’m not excited. He did this after we got married with no advanced notice, and he told me he wants to be a stay-at-home dad. We have no kids yet, but that’s another story in itself. So there’s nothing to the whole “Dad” part that I don’t understand. But in order to afford his luxury, I work two jobs and work six or seven days a week, but I don’t get enough sleep because my husband insists on breakfast every morning at 6 a.m. before I leave, then he goes back to sleep. I’m in a daze and not in a good place mentally. I feel as though my husband is using me and doesn’t care about me. I told him that I was overwhelmed and would like him to go back to work so that I can quit one of my jobs. But when I mentioned it, he says “but we agreed that I’d stay home and take care of the kids.” Then he starts crying and saying I’m selfish. At this point I want to leave him, but I’m too exhausted to think clearly. I guess I’m just looking for advice here. Would I be wrong for leaving this guy?
Gee Scott: All right, happy Monday to all of you, and I just want to keep you posted and let you know, yes, Ursula is out today. But don’t you worry, Ursula will be back tomorrow. And one of our favorites, one of your favorites, Spike O’Neill, who is the new host of KIRO nights, is on the show. Now, let’s get to the scenario.
Spike O’Neill: Well, I made a promise to myself years ago, that I would never, ever help anybody move again, but I will come out of retirement and help this lady move if she’s too tired to move. I would rent the pickup truck to help her load her gear and drive her away from Loservania where she is stuck right now, with the borders closed. This guy doesn’t even have kids to stay home and watch. I can see how people don’t want to miss the treasured time with a young child at home. They don’t have kids, his whole plan is just to eat a good breakfast and go back to sleep, so he can get on with the baby-making. So that’s his plan of moving forward in their lives? You’ve got to talk to your partner, often and preferably prior to the wedding, ‘what are your expectations? What can we expect from each other with mutual respect? What can we expect from each other in the way of what’s important to you? What’s important to me? What are your priorities?’ If she saw this down this guy’s road a year before they got married, she still followed through with it. Oh, oh, darlin. I’m so sorry.
GS: Laura Scott [KIRO Newsradio Producer] what do you got, my friend?
LS: I mean, I think this is a child. They have a kid, but it’s him. This is not a partnership. The fact that he told her he was quitting his job, which was not a decision they made together, is a huge red flag. If you’re married to someone, you’re making decisions as a team in the partnership. I mean, is this satire? Like, what is he contributing? Absolutely nothing. What do you gain from this? You just have to pay for another person to feed. And you’re just waking up early to feed them?
GS: Can I ask Laura, Spike, and those listening right now? Because there are a lot of opinions that are coming in, I want you to be very honest with this. Spike, is the reason why you’re coming out of retirement on this story to help someone move is that this is a man that is choosing to do this? And would you come out of retirement if this was a husband writing in and saying this about his wife not wanting to work? Do you think you have a little extra spiciness with what you would help to do? Because this is a man doing it?
SO: I have to give you that, I do. I didn’t think I would, but when you asked me to be honest about it, yeah. I’m an antiquated, misogynistic-rooted, old, white guy. I have to open my mind to let women be of equal footing in a man’s world. That’s an antiquated point of view. But you’re right, if this was a woman saying they want to stay home and make babies, I wouldn’t be so ticked.
GS: You know what, man, I appreciate that. I appreciate the honesty. I just had a text message come in from one of our listeners. They said that their friend is going through the same exact thing right now. So sometimes there is this idea, this is not gendered specific, but sometimes partners make decisions without the other. No matter what, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from all of my married friends, you guys teach me how to be married. The one thing we have to agree on is, like Laura said, if you’re going to be making decisions in a marriage, you have to understand it as the two of you making decisions. If you want to be separate, don’t get married.
Nick: What’s this all about having an imbalance of workload in the house? How does she put up with all this complacency and laziness? It shouldn’t be too long before she tells him to go to the nearest Denny’s so she can get out of dodge and live her best life. Maybe she should get a chance to say ‘get me some coffee and toast and bread.’ There should be a little give and take in this relationship. So much imbalance.
GS: Very good stuff. Somebody texted and said ‘hold on, hold on, hold on. I want to hear the husband’s side. This scenario is lopsided.’ Well, you know what, you sound like Ursula, and the reason why is she always wants to hear the other side. Well, the other side didn’t write in. How about that?
Listen to Gee Scott and Ursula Reutin weekday mornings from 9 a.m. – 12 p.m. on KIRO Newsradio, 97.3 FM. Subscribe to the podcast here.