Ross: How to get people back to the office? Get rid of the jerks

Aug 23, 2022, 8:47 AM | Updated: 3:33 pm


(Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

(Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

There is a struggle going on between companies who want their office workers back in the office, and office workers who would rather quit than return.

This is happening even in companies like Apple where its circular corporate headquarters, known as the Ring, was designed as a transparent, circular Nirvana of serendipitous personal interactions:

“The ring’s exterior is made up of 36 to 47-foot long, curved, glass panels, resulting in an open, seamless panoramic view of the outdoor landscape. In fact, Apple park was designed to be as open as possible in order to encourage the free flow of ideas through chance meetings between employees,” as the promotional video describes it.

More from Dave Ross: The myth of Seattle’s blue bubble and the reality of its electorate

It’s more like the Afterlife than a job – and yet even Apple workers are protesting!

Why would this be?

Well, I overheard a conversation at my gym that might explain what’s going on. It had to do with people who behave like – and I don’t like crude language, so I’ll censor myself – but it had to do with people who behave like [expletive].

The great thing about gym conversations is that they tend to occur in the nude, so social status is not immediately apparent, and people tend to be more open. So, naked guy number one says: “Life is too short to work with [expletive].” And then naked guy number two says: “I agree and I’ve been one of those [expletive] and even I don’t wanna work with [expletive].”

A brief conversation, but it teaches us that even [expletive] know they’re [expletive], and either can’t or won’t do anything about it.

And even if your office is a light-filled Nirvana, one [expletive] can still ruin your free lunch.

But the really amazing thing, as this brief conversation reveals, is that the [expletive] know they are [expletive]!

Which leads me to the ultimate solution for luring people back to the office, and I’m only going to say this once because I’m running out of bleeps.

Instead of imposing some complicated hybrid office schedule, just send out a memo announcing that everyone must come back to work except the [expletive].

And the problem should solve itself.

And yes, I realize only an [expletive] would send out a memo like that. But you do what you got to do.

Listen to Seattle’s Morning News with Dave Ross and Colleen O’Brien weekday mornings from 5 – 9 a.m. on KIRO Newsradio, 97.3 FM. Subscribe to the podcast here.

Dave Ross on KIRO Newsradio 97.3 FM
  • listen to dave rossTune in to KIRO Newsradio weekdays at 5am for Dave Ross on Seattle's Morning News.

Dave's Commentary

Dave Ross

republican debate...

Dave Ross

Ross: The highs and lows of the second 2024 Republican debate

As you’ve heard by now, there was considerable chaos during last night’s debate, including an argument between Tim Scott and Nikki Haley over the expensive curtains in her office.

2 days ago

baby plane...

Dave Ross

Ross: Planes are noisy, so are babies; what’s the big deal?

The issue of airborne babies keeps coming up, and as far as I can tell, the reason it keeps coming up is that reporters find themselves near a baby on a plane

3 days ago

retail theft...

Dave Ross

Ross: Seattle has a serious problem, not enough castles

I’m just back from a tour of Eastern Canada, and of course, when you visit other cities, you compare them with your own.

4 days ago

FILE - A view of the Shell oil company logo above a Shell fuel station in London, on May 5, 2022. S...

Dave Ross

Ross: How the gas tax could start paying you

A bill for the next legislative session that could rebate some of the revenue from the state’s carbon credit auctions to drivers

5 days ago

Dr. Bleich found you could discourage kids from buying soda if you post signs near the soda case sh...

Dave Ross

Ross: Study shows aging effects of sugar

My family informs me that no one wants to hear any more studies about sugar, because they've already heard enough.

10 days ago

school lunches research...

Dave Ross

Ross: New research confirms what we all know about school lunches

From time to time, we'll hear about scientific studies that, after careful research, will rediscover something everybody knew 50 years ago.

12 days ago

Sponsored Articles

Swedish Cyberknife...

September is Prostate Cancer Awareness Month

September is a busy month on the sports calendar and also holds a very special designation: Prostate Cancer Awareness Month.

Ziply Fiber...

Dan Miller

The truth about Gigs, Gs and other internet marketing jargon

If you’re confused by internet technologies and marketing jargon, you’re not alone. Here's how you can make an informed decision.

Education families...

Education that meets the needs of students, families

Washington Virtual Academies (WAVA) is a program of Omak School District that is a full-time online public school for students in grades K-12.

Emergency preparedness...

Emergency planning for the worst-case scenario

What would you do if you woke up in the middle of the night and heard an intruder in your kitchen? West Coast Armory North can help.

Innovative Education...

The Power of an Innovative Education

Parents and students in Washington state have the power to reimagine the K-12 educational experience through Insight School of Washington.

Medicare fraud...

If you’re on Medicare, you can help stop fraud!

Fraud costs Medicare an estimated $60 billion each year and ultimately raises the cost of health care for everyone.

Ross: How to get people back to the office? Get rid of the jerks