Meat isn’t as dangerous as smoking, as long as it’s not secondhand bacon

Within hours of the report classifying processed meat as carcinogenic to humans, reporters were out on the street scaring as many humans as they could.

“Were you surprised to hear that it’s as bad for you as smoking?” a reporter asked.

“I am very surprised to hear that,” one person responded.

Related: Will you still eat bacon?

Of course they were surprised!

“I eat my fare share, but I did not know it was as bad as smoking,” another person said.

Except the people who wrote the report never said it was “as bad as smoking.”

I don’t want to unnecessarily un-scare anybody, but here’s what the official fact sheet issued by the World Health Organization says on whether consumption of processed meat is as carcinogenic as tobacco smoking, and this is a direct quote: “No.” Processed meat has indeed been moved into the same category as tobacco smoking, but that doesn’t mean they’re equally dangerous (Even though under California law, hot dogs will probably now have to carry a cancer warning).

So, for example, each year 1 million people smoke themselves to death, 600,000 drink themselves to death, and thanks to air pollution, 200,000 breathe themselves to death. The number of people who died from too much processed meat is approximately 34,000.

But Dave you say, can I still eat bacon and live to savor the memory? Yes, but scientists recommend keeping it under 50 grams a day &#8212 about five strips &#8212 and don’t share it with a child, that would be spreading secondhand bacon.

[By the way, the bacon flavored seaweed, bacon toothpaste, bacon jelly beans, bacon massage oil, all safe. There’s even bacon sunscreen, so that instead of eating barbecue you can safely be the barbecue.]