Ask Ursula: My friend is in crisis with anxiety and depression. Should I confront his wife for just living her life?

Hi, I’m Ursula Reutin, co-host of “The Gee and Ursula Show,” and I’m thrilled to introduce my new advice column, Ask Ursula, where I help people navigate family, friendships, work, and all the messy, beautiful moments in between.

If you need any advice, reach out to me at askursula@bonneville.com or fill out this form here.

Worried friend in the 425

Dear Ursula,

I have a dear friend who’s struggling with severe anxiety and depression. He’s been on different medications for the past six months, but the improvement has been minimal.

What makes this harder to watch is his home life. His wife seems to be carrying on as usual — working, going on hikes, and now even taking a three-week vacation. My friend says she’s been working so hard and deserves to take the time off.

Meanwhile, he is in crisis. He can’t be left alone for fear he might harm himself. Friends have stepped in to make sure he’s safe, but this level of care isn’t something we can sustain long term. Right now, he’s staying with a relative while his wife is away.

I’m struggling with a lot of anger toward her. It feels like he’s crying out for help and she’s not seeing — or not responding to — it. At the same time, I don’t feel like it’s my place to say anything.

Is there a way to approach her about this? Or is this something I need to stay out of, even though it’s deeply upsetting to watch?

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Dear worried friend in the 425,

It’s painful to watch someone you care about struggle so much, especially when it feels like the people closest to them aren’t responding the way YOU think they should. Your concern comes from a good place. But the situation may be more complicated than it looks from your vantage point.

You describe the man as so unwell that he cannot safely be left alone. That calls for a higher level of care, whether that’s intensive outpatient treatment or even short-term inpatient support. No matter how devoted you are, a rotating circle of friends isn’t a sustainable or safe long-term solution.

It’s also important to consider his wife’s position with some grace. Living alongside someone in constant crisis can be exhausting and frightening. People respond to that stress in different ways. The fact that her husband says she is tired and deserves a break suggests there may be more care and more history there than you realize.

This may not be a case of someone failing to care; it may be a case of everyone trying and still coming up short against a situation that requires more support than any one person or group of friends can provide.

If you really feel moved to speak up, you might say something like, “I’m really worried about him, and I’m also worried that the current setup isn’t sustainable for any of us. Have his providers talked about more intensive support, at least for now?”

This keeps the focus on getting him the level of care he needs, rather than judging how she is coping or whether she is seemingly living her best life.

You can also gently encourage your friend, if you’re close enough, to be honest with his treatment team about how constant his distress feels. Sometimes people minimize their symptoms, especially when they don’t want to burden others. In situations like this, having that kind of clarity can be lifesaving.

Most of all, remember that you are part of a circle of care, not its sole foundation. It’s kind to help, but it’s also wise to recognize limits. The goal isn’t to find better ways for friends to hold this alone. It’s to help connect him to the kind of support that can truly keep him safe.

Sending you love,

Ursula

If you or someone you love is in crisis, don’t wait — call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, available 24/7 with real people ready to help.

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