Harger: Diet soda rides the brand name coattails, but its taste betrays it
Aug 23, 2025, 5:00 AM
Now that I’m easing back into giving you my observations every morning, I’m quickly realizing this can be a heavy segment. There’s a lot of serious news going on, and I want to give you some straight insight and analysis. And we can do that Mondays through Thursdays.
But, for this weekend, let’s talk about the real issues. The ones that matter. Which brings me to a disagreement we had in Seattle’s Morning News studio yesterday after KIRO Newsradio Anchor Katrina Guischard stopped by. Her report was on the new Coke soda fountains at the Costco food court and how they’ve replaced Mountain Dew with Dr. Pepper.
Off-air, Luke and Sully took umbrage at my statement, so now I will double down to you, fair reader. Diet Dr. Pepper tastes nothing like Dr. Pepper. It is a counterfeit. A charlatan. It’s the equivalent of showing up to a Van Halen concert and getting Gary Cherone.
Sure, maybe it has a little of that cherry-vanilla-spiced complexity of its vastly superior cousin, but no one would confuse the two. And what college did this Pepper person get their degree from? Surely not where Dr. Pepper graduated magna cum laude. I’m pretty sure Diet Dr. Pepper didn’t even get its associate’s degree. It probably didn’t even go to an accredited college.
Diet Mountain Dew? More like Diet Mountain Don’t. The stuff tastes like someone dissolved a penny in lemon-lime Pledge. At least it doesn’t pretend to have a Ph.D.
Now, before you turn around and say “Charlie, you sound like a shill for Big Fructose,” let me be clear: I’m an equal opportunity beverage critic. Diet Coke? It’s tolerable. I’ll order it at the drive-through with the same enthusiasm I reserve for dental cleanings.
That’s the rub, right? What I don’t need is 10,000 liquid calories disguised as refreshment. So I’ll down a Diet Coke, but I don’t feel good about it.
Given the chance, I’ll order a Coke Zero. It’s the valedictorian of diet sodas: not quite Harvard material like real Coke, but at least it got into a state school. Mountain Dew Zero? Acceptable. Dr. Pepper Zero? Still tastes like it cheated on its dissertation, but at least it made it through undergrad.
Look, I know aspartame is controversial. But when I need something cold, fizzy, and caffeinated, and my choices are chemical sweetener or corn syrup soup, I’ll take my chances with the science experiment. Just don’t tell me it tastes the same.
Because it doesn’t, and this weekend, I’m calling out the impostors.
Charlie Harger is the host of “Seattle’s Morning News” on KIRO Newsradio. You can read more of his stories and commentaries here. Follow Charlie on X and email him here.
