Harger: Why I refuse to use two knives for one PB&J, and what it means for my marriage

You can tell a lot about a person by how they make a PB&J sandwich.

For me, it starts with good, hearty wheat bread. Not that soft, sugary stuff pretending to be healthy. The kind with little seeds that make you feel like you’re doing something good for your body while you’re about to eat half a jar of peanut butter.

Chunky peanut butter. Always chunky. The kind that fights back. If your forearm doesn’t get a workout spreading it, you’re doing it wrong.

And raspberry jam. Never grape. Raspberry. Preferably that Danish kind that comes in the navy-blue plastic bucket. It’s like the champagne of jam. If you know, you know.

Now, here’s the secret. Peanut butter on both sides of the bread. Keeps the bread from getting soggy. I’m always surprised when people don’t know this.

But then comes the part that divides families.

The controversial choice to use the same knife for the same sandwich

After I finish the peanut butter, I don’t get a new knife for the jelly. Nope. I wipe the knife clean, and I dip it right in. Half of you just gasped while the other half is applauding. And I know who you gaspers are. You’re the people who use a separate, dedicated spatula just for mayonnaise.

Look, I’m not trying to start trouble. I just hate being wasteful. Why dirty another knife? Why make the dishwasher run early? I’m not here to keep Big Dishwasher in business. I swear, every time I grab a second knife, I can hear the dishwasher groan. I start worrying: is this the knife that finally tips it over the edge?

Like, one more utensil and suddenly we’re calling a plumber and taking out a second mortgage. It drives my wife absolutely insane.

She’ll open the jam jar, see that little peanut-buttery swirl, and act like she’s discovered a crime scene. It’s like I’ve defiled the kitchen. I say I’m saving water. She says I’m a monster.

She’ll hold it up like evidence. “CHARLIE… what is THIS?” I respond, “That is efficiency.”

“That is disgusting,” she retorts.

I tried to explain it’s no big deal, but she looks at me like I’d just confessed to putting ketchup on ice cream.

But you know what? This is what real relationships are built on. Not the big stuff. Not communication or trust. It’s this. The eternal question: Do you need two knives for one sandwich?

And for those of us brave enough to say no, we are the unsung heroes of the kitchen. Saving water. Saving soap. Saving marriages. Because if love can survive a little cross-contamination, it can survive anything.

Next time, we’re tackling something even more divisive: The top sheet and why it’s not optional, it’s civilization. Unfortunately, I’m apparently the only person in my house who believes in it.

That’s the commentary for Oct. 17. Text us at (888) 973-5476 or leave a comment at MyNorthwest.

Charlie Harger is the host of “Seattle’s Morning News” on KIRO Newsradio. You can read more of his stories and commentaries here. Follow Charlie on X and email him here.