Author sparks firestorm with article on risks of ‘living in sin’

A New York Times article
called “The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage,” has
caused quite a firestorm said the author, speaking of
her article about the risks of “living in sin.”

Before you decide to shack up with your lover, a psychologist suggests discussing expectations and the future, beforehand. (AP Photo)

“The point is not that cohabitation is good or bad, or
that I’m for it or against it, it’s that you need to know
what the risks are,” said Meg Jay, a clinical psychologist
who wrote the piece for The New York Times.

The article said while the practice of cohabiting is up
1500 percent in the past 50 years, “Couples who cohabit
before marriage (and especially before an engagement or an
otherwise clear commitment) tend to be less satisfied with
their marriages, and more likely to divorce, than couples
who do not.”

In an appearance on 97.3 KIRO FM’s Ross and Burbank Show,
Jay explained the conditions of cohabitation that can lead
to an unhappy relationship. She said not every couple
that lives together is necessarily headed for a break up.

“People who go into a cohabitation arrangement and they
say, ‘we’re together, we’re partners, we agree on a clear
and mutual commitment,’ those cohabiters are fine. Their
relationships are as happy and last as long as people who
never cohabitate,” said Jay. “The groups who are at risk
are those who say, ‘I’m going to test this out.’ This is
more convenient. Maybe we should just do this for now and
see what happens. Those cohabiters are at greater risk for
unhappy relationships, unhappy marriages, and even
divorce.”

Jay said couples often enter into a live-in relationship
thinking they’re just testing the waters and it will be
easy to get out of.

“But what they don’t realize is that it’s not a quick in
and a quick out,” said Jay. “It feels a little bit more
like quicksand.”

The combination of assets involved in sharing a living
space sometimes makes people stay in a relationship longer
than they otherwise would have had all those other factors
not been in play, said Jay.

“We start to weigh the pros and cons of getting out of a
relationship and it feels that we’re a little bit bound by
the investments we’ve made. We share a lease. We have
pets. We have friends. I’m not sure I want to be marrying
this person, but it sure seems easier than starting over.”

Jay said that people often slide into living together,
rather than making an active choice based on what it says
about their commitment to one another. People that go into
the arrangement with different expectations, she said, are
more likely to run into issues. She also said men and
women often have different ideas about what cohabitation
means.

“When researchers ask men and women, ‘What does
cohabitation mean to you? Why did you do it?’ Women are
more likely to say, ‘I see it as a step closer to
commitment, a step closer to permanent commitment,
partnership, marriage.’ Men are more likely to say, ‘I see
it as a way to test a relationship, or I even see it as a
way to postpone commitment, because maybe if I appease my
partner by moving in together we can push marriage a
little bit further into the future,'” said Jay.

Those couples that have similar expectations, Jay said,
will have much more success in their relationship.

“You have to ask your partner: Where is this going? Why
are we doing this?” said Jay. “If you all are in
agreement on that, then you’re going to happier,” said
Jay. “Couples who have different levels of agreement or
different levels of commitment do not fare well.”

By JAMIE GRISWOLD, MyNorthwest.com Editor