Rantz: An argument against enjoying the Northern Lights in Washington

The world has a lot of overrated things — brunch, siracha and, of course, the Northern Lights seen across Washington.

Last night, the Pacific Northwest once again fell victim to the hype as everyone rushed outside, eyes to the skies, hoping to catch a glimpse of the so-called “majestic” Aurora Borealis. And once again, the excitement spread like wildfire, fueled by Instagram stories, breathless posts about the “ethereal beauty” of the lights and every local meteorologist acting like a celestial guru.

Sure, the Northern Lights may dance across the heavens like heavenly brushstrokes on a canvas of midnight, their colors weaving together in a delicate symphony of greens and purples. Each shimmering wave almost hums with celestial music, as if the universe itself is whispering ancient secrets to the stars.

But if you live in Seattle, you don’t catch even a wisp of the colors. The only thing we see is the perpetual haze of fentanyl smoke from a nearby encampment. Isn’t that authentic city living, not merely gazing into the heavens whimsically? So overrated.

More on WA’s northern lights: Northern lights will make another round in Washington Friday night

Who would be so desperate to see the Aurora Borealis?

Believe it or not, some fools travel far for a chance to view the Northern Lights dance along the heavens above. Consider the poor soul, let’s just call him a good-looking, witty, intelligent and humble talk show host, author and TV personality, who, after years of bad luck seeing the Aurora Borealis in Washington, decided to stop in Reykjavik, Iceland — the holy grail of Northern Lights viewing — after a jaunt to London.

I heard that poor sap though, “Surely, if you’re going to freeze to death on a boat in the North Atlantic for two godforsaken hours, you’ll at least be rewarded with a magical light show, right?”

Well, not if there is heavy cloud cover.

Two. Hours. That’s how long this indescribably talented individual spent on a boat, shivering against the bitter Icelandic winds, toes slowly turning into icicles, staring up into dark clouds so thick you couldn’t even see a star, let alone the mystical lights that everyone promised would show up. While the temperature plummeted, so did the morale of everyone aboard. But the worst part? The smug tourists who swore they did see something — “Just for a second! You had to be looking at the right moment!” — while you took literally 22 seconds to pee. Yeah, sure they saw something.

If I some people can’t experience the Northern Lights, should you? What about equity?

For that beautiful, well-dressed dope, the boat ride ended in disappointment.

I can only imagine that for the sly renaissance man, the most frustrating part is that for every attempt he spent searching the night sky for colors in vain, the Northern Lights are showing up for someone else in, say, Lake Stevens. Meanwhile, I he got distracted by a driver outside his apartment doing donuts on the empty street while his adorable dog D’Artagnan of an unknown name whined for his third treat of the night before allowing his owner to finally go to bed.

But let’s be real. The Northern Lights are nothing more than nature’s most overhyped laser show … that I some never, ever get to experience. So much for the area’s commitment to equitable access.

Listen to The Jason Rantz Show on weekday afternoons from 3-7 p.m. on KTTH 770 AM (HD Radio 97.3 FM HD-Channel 3). Subscribe to the podcast here. Follow Jason on X, formerly known as Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

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