DAVE ROSS

Ross: Why do we still bother with potty training?

Jan 4, 2022, 5:59 AM | Updated: 9:22 am
potty training...
Unisex signs hang outside bathrooms. (File photo by Sara D. Davis/Getty Images)
(File photo by Sara D. Davis/Getty Images)

I spent part of the holiday either monitoring or assisting in the potty training of two granddaughters, and I was trying to imagine what this ordeal must be like for them – when for some reason, Simon and Garfunkel started going through my head …

Hello potty my old friend…
They’ve made me sit on you again.
Because my parents who are very wise
Both insist I must be civilized
So I sit here, as they watch expectantly
For me to pee.
But hear the Sound of Silence.

Anyway, at one point last week I found myself using the cloth diapers to clean up an accident on the rug.

And that’s when it hit me: Wouldn’t it be easier if the diaper just stayed on the kid?

Because what are we really doing when we potty-train? We are setting up this expectation that you won’t need a diaper because there will always be a decent place to relieve yourself within walking distance.

But that is a LIE!

We train kids to save it for the bathroom, but what we don’t tell them is that for the rest of their lives they will be at the mercy of America’s aversion to decent public bathrooms.

Every public toilet is a disaster. And to use a private toilet, you usually have to buy something or get the door code, which is like telling a stranger, “Mommy, I have to go.”

Then there are your school toilets, which are sound stages for TikTok. And the airplane toilet, which is basically a stand-up coffin – where you almost have to back your way in.

So why do we still bother with potty training?

Just improve diapers.

I’m adding this to my list of projects for our tech geniuses. Instead of inventing the metaverse, how about inventing odorless, self-composting storage pants?

So that we can finally walk anywhere we want without ever having to go near a terrifying bathroom.

I know it’s a big ask, but when I see these poor kids trying to cling to their diapers, I think there’s a reason. I think they know exactly what’s ahead.

Which brings me to the other song that started running through my head as we were doing this …

“Let it go, let it go – can’t hold it back …”

That’s the spirit, kids!

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Ross: Why do we still bother with potty training?