Are we ready America?

Are you ready for the Summer Olympics? (AP Photo)

I think it’s to our credit that it took an American to
get cynical Londoners enthusiastic about their Olympics
again.

“I hear there’s a guy called Mitt Romney, he wants to
know whether we’re ready? Are we ready?” London Mayor
Boris Johnson said to cheers from a crowd in Hyde Park.

Yes, London is ready and I’m ready too. Ready for two
weeks of athletic performances that will amaze all of us
and inspire all of us, and ultimately remind all of us how
hopelessly inferior we are.

This is the specialty of the Summer Olympics.

With the Winter Olympics, the athletes are mostly
bundled up and a lot of the sports involve coasting
downhill.

The Summer Olympics are about nearly naked bodies in
tests of endurance and fine motor coordination which leave
the rest of us realizing that we come from the shallow end
of the gene pool.

Even for people who think they’re in great shape —
this is a cruel reality check. You feel as if you have to
amp up your workout just to be worthy of watching.

The Summer athletes are like visitors from the Andromeda
Galaxy who could shut down the power grid if they wanted
to, but instead they just shame us. Like the archer from
South Korea who broke an Olympic record in the first round
of the archery competition despite being legally blind in
his left eye.

Which brings up another thing: They all have inspiring
back stories that make the rest of us feel like hopeless
slackers.

They sing. They dance, have black belts. They’re gorgeous.
They overcame adversity. It just makes you want to paint
over your bathroom mirror.

Just the same, being a patriot, I hope we win the usual
boatload of medals. Maybe it will persuade the world that
the reason we’re so heavy is all the gold around our
necks.

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