How to win Mega Millions

Dave has Mega Millions tips. (AP Photo)

As the killjoys have told you many times, planning how
to spend your Mega Millions jackpot is like making plans
for the free electricity you’ll get from being struck by
lightning. Which it’s not, because you’d have to buy at
least 628 tickets for the odds to be that good.

But I’m not going to do that. I’m going to help you
win.

Sure the odds are astronomical, but they always tell
us how unlikely a water landing is, and that happened
once…so here goes.

Number 1. Don’t pick a birthday! I know a birthday is
just as likely to win. The problem is, any combination
that could possibly be a birthday will be picked by
millions of others, increasing the odds you’ll have to
split the prize.

There’s nothing more depressing than having to share
your private tropical island with some jerk who has your
same birthday.

In fact, don’t bet any kind of lucky pattern, because
that’s what people tend to do, and you don’t want to think
like a person, you want to think like a ping pong ball.

Which brings me to rule number 2: Any combination you
come up with is bad.

If you’re trying to predict a random event, you should
try to duplicate, as exactly as possible, that random
event. Buy an exact replica of the Mega Millions machine,
put it in a room set to the exact temperature of the
studio where they draw the numbers, run it an hour before
the drawing, and pick your numbers based on that.

If you win using this plan, you’re welcome! I accept
tips. And if you lose, there’s bound to be some sucker who
will buy your old machine.

Subscribe to the Dave Ross Commentary
podcast