Relax America, you have been saved

The U.S. Senate has saved American workers from a wage increase yet again. It was a close call. The minimum wage bill has the support of a majority of Senators, and a majority of Americans. But we don’t want this to be too easy, because if it was easy, the two sides couldn’t hold news conferences scolding each other.

And if they couldn’t scold each other voters wouldn’t pay attention, no one would vote, the government would fall, and Vladimir Putin’s troops would occupy the East Coast.

So the wage increase died in the Senate, and the opinion that won the day was this one, expressed by economist Michael Strayn.

“Raising the cost of hiring a minimum wage worker, when so many minimum wage workers are unemployed, is not the best thing for the economy,” said Strayn.

So, thinking this through: If raising wages would actually hurt the minimum wage workforce, that would that mean that if we lowered the minimum wage, to reduce the cost of hiring a minimum wage worker, unemployment would instantly go down! So why isn’t Congress considering that?

Just explain to minimum wage workers that they’re all getting a pay cut for their own good. Imagine how grateful they would be!

And in fact, by keeping the federal minimum at $7.25 since 2009, Congress has effectively been cutting it every year, thanks to inflation. So it’s time they claimed some credit for doing these workers a favor!

I even have a cute campaign rhyme they could use:
We’re cutting your wage, but just to be fair –
we’ll legalize pot, so you’ll no longer care.