Harger: 2 students, 1 bear, pastrami, and a dorm kitchen that needed 2 days of professional cleaning

I try to stay laser-focused on regional issues in these commentaries, and I try to keep Fridays a little lighter. Today is a stretch on the first count. It happened in New York.

But follow me here. It happened at Cornell University, and Dave Ross, the retired host of Seattle’s Morning News, went to Cornell. So I’ve decided that makes it a local story.

Two Cornell students wanted to do some home cookin’ in their communal dorm kitchen. These two guys wanted to make pastrami. Kind of complicated, but sure.

Only thing is, they didn’t pop by the Piggly Wiggly and buy a beef brisket for it.

They went to the woods and hunted a black bear for it. See, these two had a hankering for some good ol’ bear pastrami. Just like mom used to make. No, seriously. The plan? Make pastrami using bear meat.

They had a proper bear hunting license; they got them a bear, legally, and then brought it back to the communal kitchen.

The bear butchering happened next to the communal microwave

And that’s where students and staff got a little upset. They put the bear body on a table and started skinning it. They butchered that bear right there.

The two hunters swear they had planned to butcher the bear elsewhere, but there was some sort of emergency, and apparently they had few options. Bear butchering, apparently, is something that needs to happen in a timely manner, or it gets a bit gamey.

Picture the scene. Students walk in and see a bear being cleaned in the kitchen. They flip, they call the cops. State regulators get involved. The kitchen gets closed for two days for cleaning.

The hunt was legal and licensed.

And Cornell didn’t have any rules in the handbook about processing wild game in the dorm kitchens.

So the two students didn’t break any rules. With all the reporting I’ve read on this, it’s unclear whether they ever dined on bear pastrami or not.

Cornell’s student handbook now bans processing wild animals

That happened last year. Sharp-eyed students noticed an update to this school year’s guidelines: a new section saying processing wild animals is banned in Cornell communal kitchens. So now there is a rule.

These two went one better than following the rules. They created a brand-new one. That’s initiative. That’s Ivy League.

Now, I happen to think it should have been plainly obvious that dorm kitchens aren’t a good spot to butcher bears.

And I don’t want to give anybody ideas. But I’ve now learned that Cornell’s handbook is basically a list of things students have already done. Which means somewhere in that building, a kid butchered a bear on a folding table and thought: this is fine. There’s no rule against it.

Evergreen State College should get ahead of this now

Somewhere in western Washington, a kid is looking at a geoduck and having the same thought.

Get it in writing now, Evergreen.

“Geoduck cleaning is an outdoor activity only.”

“Dungeness crab boils are a parking lot activity, not a third-floor activity.”

“No growing your own hops for homebrewing on the side of the building.”

“No converting your dorm room into a sauna using two space heaters and a humidifier.”

Every rule in a handbook is a receipt. Somebody did the thing first.

Which means at some point, a committee of adults with advanced degrees sat in a conference room and formally debated whether to ban bear butchering in the dorms. Someone made a motion. Someone seconded it. Somebody took minutes.

There may have been a PowerPoint.

“Slide seven: What do we mean by ‘processing’?”

And now the sentence “Processing wild game animals in community kitchens is strictly prohibited” exists because two guys wanted bear pastrami badly enough to skin a bear next to a communal microwave.

Terrible judgment. Total commitment.

The reporting never settles the most important question: did they actually get to eat the bear pastrami? After the cops, the regulators, and the two-day cleaning, nobody wrote down what happened to the meat. Which means somewhere out there, two young men either enjoyed the most hard-won sandwich in Ivy League history, or went through all of that for nothing.

I choose to believe they ate it. Standing up. In a parking lot. Like gentlemen.

Somebody check on Touchdown the Big Red Bear

One more thing. Cornell’s unofficial mascot, dating back to 1915, is Touchdown the Big Red Bear. A black bear wearing a red shirt.

Somebody better check to see if Touchdown’s okay.

Charlie Harger is the host of “Seattle’s Morning News” on KIRO Newsradio. You can read more of his stories and commentaries here. Follow Charlie on X and email him here. 

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