Harger: Greeting cards are the original AI

I have a lot of divisive opinions. I know this about myself.

Oatmeal raisin cookies beat chocolate chip. It’s not even close. The raisins are the whole point.

Top sheets belong in the bed. I do not understand the people who skip them. My wife is one of those people. We’ve built a marriage on it anyway.

And while we’re at it, why do we say “bless you” when somebody sneezes? It’s a bodily function. I don’t bless you when you cough. I’m not blessing any of your other bodily functions either.

But the hill I’ll actually die on is greeting cards.

A $19.99 Mother’s Day card. For a piece of paper. That somebody else wrote

I saw one the other day for nearly 20 bucks. For folded paper, somebody else wrote.

Some of these things now cost more than dinner. There are sympathy cards out there with embossing, ribbon, and little pop-up scenes inside. Birthday cards that play a song when you open them. Anniversary cards in their own envelopes, sealed in plastic, displayed behind little glass barriers like they’re the Mona Lisa. Twelve dollars. Fifteen dollars. For a piece of paper. That somebody else wrote. That gets thrown out by Thursday.

The Dollar Tree strategy: 50-cent cards, a Sharpie, and a chain restaurant gift card

Here’s my move. I walk into the Dollar Tree. They’ve got a rack of 50-cent cards. I scan for two seconds. First one that’s in the ballpark of the right occasion, that’s the one. Birthday? Says Happy Birthday somewhere on the front. Sold. Sympathy? Has a flower on it. Sold. Wedding? Two rings, a cursive font, doesn’t matter who they’re for. Done.

And all bets are off at the Dollar Tree. I’ll grab a religious one for somebody’s birthday if it looks nice. Doesn’t have to be my religion. Friend might not even be religious. I can turn a “Thinking of You” card into a “Thinking of You On Your Birthday” card with a Sharpie. Same-sex couple on the front? Doesn’t matter if the card looks OK. If the design pops, it’s coming with me. They’ve got a whole line called Mahogany. Heck yeah, I’m getting one branded “Mahogany.” The card is 50 cents, and the message is universal.

If I’m feeling generous, a gift card to a chain restaurant rides along. Olive Garden. Applebee’s. Red Lobster if I’m feeling fancy. The card costs 50 cents. The thought is in the gift card — where it belongs.

Greeting cards are the original AI. Hallmark beat ChatGPT to mass-produced sentiment by about 110 years

Greeting cards got me thinking about the world we live in now.

Many of the same people who can’t stand ChatGPT, the ones convinced AI is the end of authentic human connection, are also the ones standing in line at the Hallmark store.

Now, to be fair. A card feels human. Somebody walked into a store, stood in an aisle, picked it out, and signed their name. That’s effort. That’s love.

Except open it. Read the words.

Did your aunt write those?

She did not. A stranger in an office wrote them years ago, for money, aimed at no one in particular and everyone all at once. Mass-produced sentiment. Printed by the million. Sold to you as personal.

What you’re holding is a language model with a colorful envelope.

Hallmark engineers mass emotion in a conference room. ChatGPT at least knows your name

Greeting cards are the original AI. Pre-written feelings, cooked up by someone who’s never met you, dressed up to sound like they came from the heart. And every time you tear up at a Hallmark, and I know you do, I’ve seen people cry at these things, what’s actually getting to you is a piece of writing built in a conference room by a stranger paid to make as many people as possible feel the same thing at the same intensity. And it works on you because it’s good at its job.

Mass-produced emotion. Professionally engineered.

Which is exactly what people are afraid AI is going to do.

And I’d argue the robots have them beat. At least the chatbot will customize. Tell it your mom loves crossword puzzles and hates her neighbor’s leaf blower, and it’ll work both in. Hallmark gives you “Happy Anniversary” in cursive, along with a watercolor bird.

One of those actually knows your name. The bird does not.

Say what you will about the robots. The chatbot might love your mom more than the off-the-rack card does.

Here’s what ChatGPT wrote when I tried it:

Mom,

You are the only person I know who can solve a Sunday crossword in ink … but still be completely stumped by the clue:

“Annoying neighbor activity, 11 letters.”

Answer: LEAFBLOWING.

May your day be filled with easy clues, quiet mornings, and absolutely no two-stroke engines screaming outside your window.

Love you!

Now find me the Hallmark with that kind of personalization.

For the record, my mother uses a pencil in the crossword section.

Save the 20 bucks. Get the 50-cent card. Put the thought in the gift card

So go ahead, mock the machines. Just maybe clear the $20 folded paper out of your cart first.

Me? I’ll be at the Dollar Tree. The card is 50 cents. The chain restaurant’s open till 10. Nobody’s crying. Everybody’s fed. The robots had nothing to do with it.

Charlie Harger is the host of “Seattle’s Morning News” on KIRO Newsradio. You can read more of his stories and commentaries here. Follow Charlie on X and email him here. 

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